Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 10
Mr. Peepers
Mr. Peepers…..Chris Kattan
Dr. Dowden…..Kevin Spacey
Assistant…..Will Ferrell
(open on lab with SUPER : BORMAN LABORATORIES, E. Brunswick, New Jersey)
Dr. Dowden: Well, almost finished. Hurry up. We’ve got a lot of monkeys to examine. We’re done with him, put him back in the cage.
Assistant: But he hasn’t been fed yet.
Dr. Dowden: I don’t care. You should know that you’re the third assistant I’ve had this month. I fired the other two because they were stupid incompetents. So you will do exactly as I say and only exactly as I say, or you, too, will be fired. (slowly, in a handicapped voice) Do you understand me?
Assistant: Yes, Dr. Dowden
Dr. Dowden: And put Roscoe back in his cage. (Assistant has a tough time closing the cage) Oh, and I see closing cages is beyond your mental capacity, idiot. Get me the monkey in cage number 5.
(Assistant goes to cage number 5 to reveal Mr. Peepers, a man/monkey boy dressed in red overalls, he picks up Mr. Peepers and brings him to the doctor)
Dr. Dowden: All Right, Mr. Peepers. Never seen this one before. (Reading off chart) “Possible missing link. Discovered in the Brazilian Rainforest.” (Peepers hangs upside down while dangling on the assistant) What are you doing?
Assistant: I’m sorry, doctor. What am I supposed to do?
Dr. Dowden: (slowly, mocking him) I don’t know what am I supposed to do. (his voice) Put him on the stool, you idiot! (he places Peepers on the stool, as Peeper’s begins to babble “Bah” over and over) And shut that monkey up!
Assistant: Doctor, I’m not sure what —
Dr. Dowden: Oh, you are just useless. I’ll do it. No Peepers, no! No! No! Give him an apple! (Peepers grabs the apple and starts chewing rapidly and spitting out the pieces. Meanwhile Dr. Dowden begins examining him.) Let’s look at the ears. (check ears) Ears look all right Let’s look at the teeth! Let me look at your teeth! Let me look at your teeth! (checks teeth) God, this Peepers beast reeks. You check his eyes.
Assistant: (goes to check Peeper’s eyes, only to have Peeper’s acting difficult) I – I can’t, he won’t let me.
Dr. Dowden: Oh, you are so useless! I’ll do it! Peepers watch! (He begins snapping his fingers back and forth, testing Peepers’ eye movement) There, that’s how you do it.
Assistant: Doctor, do you think we should —
Dr. Dowden: I’m not paying you to think —
Mr. Peepers: (in the doctor’s face) BAH!
Dr. Dowden: You shut your little monkey mouth! You want a piece of me? Shut up! Shut it! Bah! (they exchange “bah”‘s back and forth as Peepers pushes the doctor) Oh, you little bastard!
(Peepers jumps off the stool and begins to jump off the walls)
Dr. Dowden: Get that monkey, would you?
Assistant: Okay.
(Peepers dances around, the assistant is unable to grab hold of him)
Dr. Dowden: Well, don’t just stand there! Get him!
Assistant: I’m trying!
Dr. Dowden: You are so fired if you don’t get that little critter!
(Peepers runs towards the other way and jumps onto an examining table. After a few seconds of struggle, he latches his mouth onto the assistant)
Dr. Dowden: Oh, my God! Don’t move! (Peepers begins a series of blowing on the assistant’s face, an attack mechanism)
Assistant: What should I do?
Dr. Dowden: Well for starters, shut up. You have violated this monkey’s sense of space. Mr. Peeper’s is now in attack mode. Any sudden movement and he will bite your head off! So, very very slowly — very slowly turn your head away. Turn your head away very slowly. (The assistant begins to turn his head away from an attacking Mr. Peepers) Turn your – easy, easy, very slow — ah, oh oh! (Peepers releases himself off the assistant and begins to jump on the doctor, humping him)
Assistant: Oh, my God! (he rushes for the phone, picks up and yells) Code blue, code blue! Mr. Peepers is humping Dr. Dowden! Send help now! this is horrible!
Dr. Dowden: You get him off of me right now or you are SO fired!
(Peepers continues to hump Dr. Dowden while the assistant continues to get help on the phone. Audience applause we fade out)
Submitted by: Benjamin LaBaron
