Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 10
“Star Wars” 20th Anniversary Home Video II
Voice of Director…..Will Ferrell
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Barbra Streisand…..Ana Gasteyer
Jack Lemmon…..Kevin Spacey
Voice of Director: Burt Reynolds, Darth Vader screen test. Alright, we’re rolling.
Burt Reynolds: Fire away!
Voice of Director: Uh, Burt? We need the helmet. [ Burt puts on helmet ] “Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes. Or given you clairvoyance enough To find the rebels’ hidden fortress.” [ Burt stands motionless ] Uh, Burt? You’re supposed to strangle the guy now.
Burt Reynolds: Oh, what, like.. go over there and choke him?
Voice of Director: No. No, you kind of twist your fingers at him.
Burt Reynolds: Ah. I don’t get it.
Voice of Director: You see.. you have this mystical power.
Burt Reynolds: Let me ask you a question. [ clears throat ] What kind of car does this guy drive?
[ cut to next screen test ]
Voice of Director: Alright. Barbra Streisand, Princess Leia screen test. Okay, whenever you’re ready, Barbra.
Barbra Streisand: [ manic ] “This is our most desperate hour! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope!”
Voice of Director: Barbra? you’re gonna want to take that wa-a-ay down.
Barbra Streisand: More?
Voice of Director: Yeah.
Barbra Streisand: I can do that.
Voice of Director: Okay. Whenever you’re ready.
Barbra Streisand: [ more manic than before ] “This is our most desperate hour! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope!”
Voice of Director: Okay, thanks.
Barbra Streisand: I didn’t get the part, did I?
[ cut to next screen test ]
Voice of Director: Jack Lemmon, Chewbacca screen test. Take one.
Jack Lemmon: [ holding up his mask ] Okay, excuse me. Before we put the spaghetti in the machine, can someone tell me what the hell one of these Chewbacca things is?
Voice of Director: Well, uh.. he’s a Wookie, Jack.
Jack Lemmon: A what? A what the hell is a Wookie?
Voice of Director: Uh.. it’s like a space ape.
Jack Lemmon: [ pissed ] Oh, that’s terrific! You had me drive all the way from Beverly Hills to play a fu–kin’ space ape?!
Voice of Director: Uh.. just put the mask on..
Jack Lemmon: I’m gonna take a dump in this fu–in’ damn mask, that’s what I’m gonna do!
Voice of Director: Jack, would you please put it on..
Jack Lemmon: Why can’t I audition for Obi-Wan? You got Matthau screen testing! I’d be a terrific Obi-Wan!
Voice of Director: Would you please put the mask on?
Jack Lemmon: Aw, f–k yourself!
Announcer: “Star Wars”, the 20th Anniversary home video. Available at video stores everywhere.
