SNL Transcripts: Kevin Spacey: 01/11/97: “Star Wars” 20th Anniversary Home Video II


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 10

96j: Kevin Spacey / Beck

“Star Wars” 20th Anniversary Home Video II

Voice of Director…..Will Ferrell
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Barbra Streisand…..Ana Gasteyer
Jack Lemmon…..Kevin Spacey

Voice of Director: Burt Reynolds, Darth Vader screen test. Alright, we’re rolling.

Burt Reynolds: Fire away!

Voice of Director: Uh, Burt? We need the helmet. [ Burt puts on helmet ] “Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes. Or given you clairvoyance enough To find the rebels’ hidden fortress.” [ Burt stands motionless ] Uh, Burt? You’re supposed to strangle the guy now.

Burt Reynolds: Oh, what, like.. go over there and choke him?

Voice of Director: No. No, you kind of twist your fingers at him.

Burt Reynolds: Ah. I don’t get it.

Voice of Director: You see.. you have this mystical power.

Burt Reynolds: Let me ask you a question. [ clears throat ] What kind of car does this guy drive?

[ cut to next screen test ]

Voice of Director: Alright. Barbra Streisand, Princess Leia screen test. Okay, whenever you’re ready, Barbra.

Barbra Streisand: [ manic ] “This is our most desperate hour! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope!”

Voice of Director: Barbra? you’re gonna want to take that wa-a-ay down.

Barbra Streisand: More?

Voice of Director: Yeah.

Barbra Streisand: I can do that.

Voice of Director: Okay. Whenever you’re ready.

Barbra Streisand: [ more manic than before ] “This is our most desperate hour! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope!”

Voice of Director: Okay, thanks.

Barbra Streisand: I didn’t get the part, did I?

[ cut to next screen test ]

Voice of Director: Jack Lemmon, Chewbacca screen test. Take one.

Jack Lemmon: [ holding up his mask ] Okay, excuse me. Before we put the spaghetti in the machine, can someone tell me what the hell one of these Chewbacca things is?

Voice of Director: Well, uh.. he’s a Wookie, Jack.

Jack Lemmon: A what? A what the hell is a Wookie?

Voice of Director: Uh.. it’s like a space ape.

Jack Lemmon: [ pissed ] Oh, that’s terrific! You had me drive all the way from Beverly Hills to play a fu–kin’ space ape?!

Voice of Director: Uh.. just put the mask on..

Jack Lemmon: I’m gonna take a dump in this fu–in’ damn mask, that’s what I’m gonna do!

Voice of Director: Jack, would you please put it on..

Jack Lemmon: Why can’t I audition for Obi-Wan? You got Matthau screen testing! I’d be a terrific Obi-Wan!

Voice of Director: Would you please put the mask on?

Jack Lemmon: Aw, f–k yourself!

Announcer: “Star Wars”, the 20th Anniversary home video. Available at video stores everywhere.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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