Both Sides with Jesse Jackson
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond
Maxine Waters…..David Alan Grier
Johnnie Cochran…..Tim Meadows
Kincaid…..Ana Gasteyer
Jessie Jackson: Welcome to “Both Sides”. The debate over Ebonics – or Black English – is rapidly becoming an issue of the day. Is Ebonics an actual language, or is it just black slang. We must all agree our children must learn basic grammar.. subject-verb conjugation.. spelling.. syntax.. punctuation.. pronouns, adverbs, modifiers, clauses, commas and semicolons help provide.. [ pause ] ..pauses. What’s imperative, and what’s declarative? What’s interrogative? It’s my prerogative. From the upside-down, not Bobbby Brown. Jibbity-jibbity, and rat-a-a-tat-tat. Joining me today in support of Ebonics, Democratic congresswoman Maxine Walters.
Maxine Waters: Pleased to be here.
Jessie Jackson: From our Los Angeles bureau, opposing Ebonics, Defense Attorney Johnnie Cochran.
Johnnie Cochran: This is an outrage!
Jessie Jackson: And, from New York, representing M-TV, which, for years, has been corrupting the English language, political analyst Kincaid.
Kincaid: Oh, my God! Give me five! Reverend Jackson! Oh, my God! That’s totally likeThe Jackson Five! I love that! [ sings from “A.B.C.” ] Oh, my God, I can’t believe I remembered that song, that’s hilarious! What was Tito’s deal?
Jessie Jackson: [ confused ] I have no idea. [ pause ] Congresswoman Waters, you represent a district in Los Angeles considering teaching Ebonics. Could you speak a little now for us and translate, as well.
Maxine Waters: Certainly. To say in Ebonics, “Newt Gingrich is unelectable, and should resign,” it would go: “Gingrich, he be had that Contract with America, but now he off da hizzy, so him ain’t ever be playin’ in the white crib, y’all!”
Johnnie Cochran: Now, Congresswoman Waters, you know, that’s an outrageous statement! How can you show such disrespect for the English language? I’d be a failure at my job if I didn’t speak English good!
Jessie Jackson: Congresswoman, do you believe our government should play a role in officially promoting Ebonics?
Maxine Waters: Jesse, I don’t trust the United States government! The CIA is currently smuggling drugs from Nicaragua, and spreading them in our African-American communities! Not to mention, the FBI single-handedly stopping the Buffalo Bills from winning the Superbowl!
Johnnie Cochran: Now that statement was an outrage! You have to be a damn fool to believe that the police could be involved in a conspiracy against African-Americans! That’s prepostorous!
Jessie Jackson: Uh, Johnnie, we’re not talking drugs, crackpipes, the chronics.. we’re here to discuss our subject, language – Ebbabonics.
Kincaid: Oh, my God! Jesse! Can I just say something? It’s like, Ebonics is a way of educating society on cultural sensitivity. And we’re, like, in a nation right now where it’s hard for blacks to hit the big time. You know, not everyone’s the Jeffersons. Oh, my God, “The Jeffersons”! Like, “Moving on up, moving on up. To the East Side, to the East Side!” Oh, my God! You guys made me remember that song! That is totally hilarious! Remember Weezy?
Johnnie Cochran: Weezy was an outrage!
Jessie Jackson: Congresswoman Waters, what can we do with our unloved, unwanted, uneducated young people, who lack the skills to get a real job – like Kincaid, for example?
Maxine Waters: Well, this issue is explosive. I found that out on my fact-finding trip to Nicaragua.
Kincaid: Oh, my God, did you just say “explosive”! Like, “Dy-no-mite!” Oh, my God, I’m like so J.J. Walker!
Maxine Waters: Kincaid, you are inappropriate, annoying, and misinformed! Or, to say that in Ebonics: “Bitch, you be trippin’!”
Jessie Jackson: At this time, I think you point out one of the problems with Ebonics. It perpetuates linguistic abuse from generation to generation, mother to daughter, father to son.
Kincaid: Oh, my God, that’s like so totally father and son, like “Sanford & Son”! Like.. [ hums theme song ] Oh, my God! “It’s the big one! It’s the big one!” Oh, my God, Fred Sandford is like total genius, I love that!
Jessie Jackson: Kincaid, your racial bias is quite ironic, as we try to discuss Ebony-bonic.
Kincaid: Oh, my God, you guys, did you hear that! That was, like, so totally cool! Hew totally sound like, you know, one of the teachers on Charlie Brown! It’s like.. [ mimics non-speaking teacher noises ] Oh, my God! I’m, like, totally been gleened on Charlie Brown reruns! And oh my God, you guys! Rerun! Remember Rerun? It’s like.. [ hums “What’s Happenin’?” theme ]
Jessie Jackson: Kincaid.. Kincaid.. girl, shut your mouth!! Young lady, now we’re just about out of time. Any final thoughts?
Maxine Waters: Yes. I have evidence that Kincaids was constructed by the CIA, as a terrorist action against urban minorities.
Kincaid: “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?!”
Johnnie Cochran: [ outraged ] Now, come on now! Terrorist action.. me hiding a bloody knife somewhere in my Brentwood apartment.. This is a bunch of nonsense!
Jessie Jackson: Bu-bu-bu-but, Johnnie.. we’re not talking about a bloody knife.
Johnnie Cochran: I rest my case.
Jessie Jackson: Great. Ladies and gentlemen, we are about out of time. Join us next week on “Both Sides”, when we will discuss another topic. And, until that time, keep hope alive.
