SNL Transcripts: Neve Campbell: 02/08/97: O.J. Simpson Press Conference

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Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 22: Episode 12


96l: Neve Campbell / David Bowie

O.J. Simpson Press Conference

O.J. Simpson…..Tim Meadows
Dan Rather……Darrell Hammond
Reporter #1…..Cheri Oteri
Reporter #2…..Chris Kattan
Reporter #3…..Ana Gasteyer

FADE IN:

[ CBS NEWS “BREAKING NEWS” BUMPER ] [ INT. CBS NEWS NYC STUDIO – NIGHT ] [ DAN RATHER is seated at the desk. ]

Dan Rather: Good evening, I’m Dan Rather. There’s been a new developmentin the seemingly endless O.J. Simpson saga. Earlier today —

[ KCBS LA NEWS COPTER FOOTAGE OF SIMPSON RUNNING WITH A WHEEL BARREL FULLOF MONEY AND TWO BANK GUARDS ESCORTING HIM TO LOAD IT IN HIS VEHICLE. ]

Dan Rather: Simpson was leaving his lawyer’s offices and heading to thisbank in Los Angeles. Approximately 22 minutes later, Mr. Simpson emergedfrom the bank with a wheel barrel that looked to be overflowing with bagsand bags of money.

[ O.J. WAVES TO THE NEWS COPTER. ]

Dan Rather: Mr. Simpson then returned to his Brentwood estate where he’sholding an impromptu press conference. And now, CBS News takes you therelive…

[ EXT. SIMPSON ESTATE – NIGHT ] [ O.J. SIMPSON is surrounded by several reporters. He’s holding a shovelwith dollar bills attached to it. Numerous stacks of dollar bills areshoved into his shirt. ]

O.J. Simpson: Thank you. Thank you all for coming. I’d like to comment onthe 8.5 million dollar judgment against me. I will gladly pay this fine,but there is no money. I am flat broke. You know, if you haven’t talked tomy lawyers, they have all the money. You know what I say when I see mylawyers? “Show me the money! Show me the money!”

[ O.J. chuckles. The reporters can’t seem to break the awkwardness. ]

Reporter #1: Mr. Simpson, you were seen earlier emptying out your bankaccounts.

O.J. Simpson: Now see, that’s not true! I was here all day. I was taking anap. No, no — I was chipping golf balls. No, no — I was packing! No, no– me and Kato went to McDonald’s. No, no — it was Arby’s! No, no — it was McDonald’s — I’m going to say McDonald’s!

Reporter #2: Mr. Simpson, did you just bury all your money in the backyard?

O.J. Simpson: Did I bury the money!?!? No way!! There are two things I’venever done – beat a woman and bury my money in the backyard. You know, Idon’t even have a shovel…

Reporter #2: Then what’s that?

O.J. Simpson: What?

Reporter #2: In your hand? Isn’t that a shovel?

O.J. Simpson: This is not a shovel! “Show me the money! Show me themoney!” Who saw that movie?

Reporter #3: And what’s that stuck to it? It looks like money.

O.J. Simpson: Yeah it is. It’s the only money I have left. I’m going to bedistributing this money to those who deserve it from the judgment againstme. But I stuck it on this shovel so I wouldn’t forget it.

Reporter #2: I thought you said you didn’t have a shovel.

[ O.J. murmurs NIGGER under his breath. ]

O.J. Simpson: Who said “nigger”? Why must this always be about race!?

Reporter #2: Sir, there are foot prints! Foot prints from Air Jordansleading to the backyard to where you are standing right now.

O.J. Simpson: Did somebody just call me a nigger? Look, I don’t own a pairof Air Jordan sneakers. Do you think I would own an ugly pair of shoeslike that anyway? Come on! It’s me! The Juice!!

Reporter #2: You’re wearing them! I’m looking at them right now!!

O.J. Simpson: Here we go again… Come on now!

[ A golden lab steps out of the front gate with a Ziploc bag full of cashfrom his mouth. He goes off into the distance. ]

O.J. Simpson: Come on! That dog’s got my money! And one other thing…

[ The camera zooms on Tim Meadows. ]

O.J. Simpson: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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