Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 12
O.J. Simpson Press Conference
O.J. Simpson…..Tim Meadows
Dan Rather……Darrell Hammond
Reporter #1…..Cheri Oteri
Reporter #2…..Chris Kattan
Reporter #3…..Ana Gasteyer
FADE IN:[ CBS NEWS “BREAKING NEWS” BUMPER ] [ INT. CBS NEWS NYC STUDIO – NIGHT ] [ DAN RATHER is seated at the desk. ]
Dan Rather: Good evening, I’m Dan Rather. There’s been a new developmentin the seemingly endless O.J. Simpson saga. Earlier today —[ KCBS LA NEWS COPTER FOOTAGE OF SIMPSON RUNNING WITH A WHEEL BARREL FULLOF MONEY AND TWO BANK GUARDS ESCORTING HIM TO LOAD IT IN HIS VEHICLE. ]
Dan Rather: Simpson was leaving his lawyer’s offices and heading to thisbank in Los Angeles. Approximately 22 minutes later, Mr. Simpson emergedfrom the bank with a wheel barrel that looked to be overflowing with bagsand bags of money.[ O.J. WAVES TO THE NEWS COPTER. ]
Dan Rather: Mr. Simpson then returned to his Brentwood estate where he’sholding an impromptu press conference. And now, CBS News takes you therelive…
O.J. Simpson: Thank you. Thank you all for coming. I’d like to comment onthe 8.5 million dollar judgment against me. I will gladly pay this fine,but there is no money. I am flat broke. You know, if you haven’t talked tomy lawyers, they have all the money. You know what I say when I see mylawyers? “Show me the money! Show me the money!”[ O.J. chuckles. The reporters can’t seem to break the awkwardness. ]
Reporter #1: Mr. Simpson, you were seen earlier emptying out your bankaccounts.
O.J. Simpson: Now see, that’s not true! I was here all day. I was taking anap. No, no — I was chipping golf balls. No, no — I was packing! No, no– me and Kato went to McDonald’s. No, no — it was Arby’s! No, no — it was McDonald’s — I’m going to say McDonald’s!
Reporter #2: Mr. Simpson, did you just bury all your money in the backyard?
O.J. Simpson: Did I bury the money!?!? No way!! There are two things I’venever done – beat a woman and bury my money in the backyard. You know, Idon’t even have a shovel…
Reporter #2: Then what’s that?
O.J. Simpson: What?
Reporter #2: In your hand? Isn’t that a shovel?
O.J. Simpson: This is not a shovel! “Show me the money! Show me themoney!” Who saw that movie?
Reporter #3: And what’s that stuck to it? It looks like money.
O.J. Simpson: Yeah it is. It’s the only money I have left. I’m going to bedistributing this money to those who deserve it from the judgment againstme. But I stuck it on this shovel so I wouldn’t forget it.
Reporter #2: I thought you said you didn’t have a shovel.[ O.J. murmurs NIGGER under his breath. ]
O.J. Simpson: Who said “nigger”? Why must this always be about race!?
Reporter #2: Sir, there are foot prints! Foot prints from Air Jordansleading to the backyard to where you are standing right now.
O.J. Simpson: Did somebody just call me a nigger? Look, I don’t own a pairof Air Jordan sneakers. Do you think I would own an ugly pair of shoeslike that anyway? Come on! It’s me! The Juice!!
Reporter #2: You’re wearing them! I’m looking at them right now!!
O.J. Simpson: Here we go again… Come on now![ A golden lab steps out of the front gate with a Ziploc bag full of cashfrom his mouth. He goes off into the distance. ]
O.J. Simpson: Come on! That dog’s got my money! And one other thing…[ The camera zooms on Tim Meadows. ]
O.J. Simpson: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Submitted by: Cody Downs