Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, brandishing a sheaf of paper held together by a paper clip.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald and nowthe fake news. Our top story tonight:
[Photo of O. J. Simpson] In a unanimous verdict thisweek, a Santa Monica jury found O. J. Simpson liablefor the wrongful deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson andRonald Goldman, awarding the plaintiffs damages ofeight million dollars. Reacting to the verdict,Simpson insisted that he has nowhere near that amountof money and that his only remaining asset is thirtypairs of Bruno Magli shoes. [weak audience reaction,Norm winces, removes the paper clip from his sheaf andturns to the next story:]
[Photo of Denise Brown] As the jury’s decision wasannounced, Nicole Brown’s sister, Denise Brown, toldreporters, quote, “I feel ecstatic!” [Photo of JohnnieCochran] while Johnnie Cochran said, quote, “I acceptthe verdict and now we must move on.” [Photo of KatoKaelin] Meanwhile, Kato Quolin — Kato Kaelin, I’msorry — Kato Kaelin said, quote, “Please, God, don’tlet it be over!” [Norm chuckles]
[Photo of Bill Clinton] The announcement of theverdict came toward the end of President Clinton’sannual State of the Union address and, to manyobservers, completely overshadowed the event. Even thePresident was distracted during his speech, waiting tohear exactly how much it costs to kill your wife.[audience reacts badly but then whistles and applauds]
[Photo of “suicide doctor” Jack Kevorkian] And, inother news, authorities in Pontiac, Michigan aretrying to determine if Dr. Jack Kevorkian was involvedwith the death of a woman whose body was found in theback of his suicide van. You know, I’m no expert inpolice work, but, uh, YES!
Meanwhile, five thousand disabled Americans were inWashington last week to protest doctor-assistedsuicide. On a sad note, the demonstration turned uglywhen all five thousand disabled people fought over twohandicapped parking spaces. … I told you it was sad,it was sad.
[Photo of Clinton advisor Dick Morris] Disgracedformer presidential advisor Dick Morris revealed thisweek that President Clinton phoned him two days afterthe election. Pressed as to what the two men talkedabout during their three-hour conversation, Morrissaid: “Whores.”
[Photo of Tonya Harding] Skater Tonya Harding, bannedfrom competing for the United States because of herpart in the Nancy Kerrigan attack, received a setbackthis week when her request to skate for Norway wasalso rejected. However, Harding remains optimisticthat she’ll get the okay to compete for The Republicof White-trash-istan.
[American Express corporate logo] And, in businessnews, American Express has announced plans to lay offthree thousand workers. According to the company,employees will be notified of the layoffs with pinkslips reading simply, “Don’t Leave Home…”
Norm MacDonald: Now, with our old buddy Dave Spade,here’s the “Hollywood Minute” — Hi, Dave!
David Spade: All right! Whooo! Hello, Norm.
Norm MacDonald: Hi.
David Spade: Hello, crowd. Good evening! Well, a lothas happened in the entertainment world since I leftthe show last May so let’s talk about some of thehighlights.
[Photo of talk show host Pat Bullard] “The Pat BullardShow” has been canceled. Watched it a few times but itmade me yearn for the edginess and sharp biteof “Mike and Maty.” [mild reaction from crowd] Ah,just a little warm-up pitch. Don’t get scared.
[Photo of actor Randy Spelling] Tori Spelling’sbrother Randy just got hired in his dad AaronSpelling’s other show, “Sunset Beach.” Last time I sawnepotism this bad, it was, uh– No, wait. I’ve NEVERseen nepotism this bad.
[“Star Wars” movie poster] Saw the movie “Star Wars”this weekend. It’s about people flying through spacebeing chased by Darth Vader and storm troopers. Ireally liked this movie the first time I saw itwhen it was called “Star Wars”! … Oh, wait.Okay.
[Photo of “Star Wars” producer/director George Lucas]George Lucas was happy with “Star Wars” makingthirty-six million dollars opening weekend. Now he canfinally afford that sporty Miata he’s had his eye on.[another mild reaction] Thanks for that joke, Norm.It’s a real doozy!
[Photo of “Star Wars” actor Mark Hamill, circa 1977]When “Star Wars” was first released twenty years ago,I saw a picture of Mark Hamill at the premiere. He waswith two girls who on a scale of one to ten wereeasily a “nine” and a “ten.” Cut to the premiere a fewweeks ago and, uh… [Norm starts laughing, photo ofHamill, circa 1997, with two less than attractivewomen] Whew! Mark, may the “fours” be with you.
[Photo of actor Skeet Ulrich] Skeet Ulrich, one of thestars of the movie “Scream.” Skeet, uh, Johnny Deppcalled. He needs his DNA back. … If you could get onthat.
[Photo of Banana Republic compact disc] I wentshopping at the Banana Republic and found out theyhave a new CD of in-store music. I listened to it and,honestly, I felt it was derivative of “J. Crew Live atBudokan” … Yeah, you know, not that that’s bad, it’sjust … derivative.
[Photo of short-haired actress Cameron Diaz] CameronDiaz just cut off all her gorgeous hair. Men ofAmerica, you can now stop spankin’ it.
[Photo of late athlete Steve Prefontaine] Two moviesabout Olympic runner Steve Prefontaine are coming outat the same time. All right! They have two differenttitles, though, “Snore” and “Snooze”! … Hmm. Whichone will be first?
[Showtime movie channel corporate logo] I haveShowtime now which is like a low-ball version of HBO.Only raunchier. So I forget I have it until Saturdaymornings when I’m flippin’ through the channels andall I see is: cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, WARNING! Thisprogram contains explicit nudity! Yeeeaahh!SHOWTIME!!! Whoo-hoo! Showtime, [voice drops to awhisper] I love you. … [to Norm] Don’t judge me.
[Photo of singer James Brown] I saw the Super Bowlhalftime show. First, the good news. I heard thatJames Brown’s performance counted as communityservice. And, uh, yeah, so there’s ten minutes. [Photoof the new Blues Brothers] And, uh, the bad news is:did anyone see the new Blues Brother debacle? Yeah,who greenlit this cattle drive, right? I love you guysbut why don’t you go back to doing what you do best –getting stoned and just talking about doing stuff likethat?
[Photo of singer/actress Madonna in the film “Evita”]Ohhh, Disney’s precious “Evita”! [hick accent] Guesswhat?! I didn’t give a crap about the real Evita and Ireally don’t care about the fake one! [quietly, toNorm] Stay close.
[Photo of singer Marilyn Manson] I have a message for,uh, Marilyn Manson. Yeah, Satan called and, uh, first,um, he says, Hi. And, um, your videos are giving himnightmares. … So if you could bring it down a notch.
[touches his own hair] Is that what my hair lookslike?
[Photo of athlete Dennis Rodman in drag] Okay, uh,Dennis Rodman, it’s just not cute any more.
[Photo of U2 lead singer Bono] And, by the way, whendid Bono turn uncool? Five years ago, he’s the biggestrock star in the world. Now, he’s like Potsie.[Side-by-side photos of Bono and Anson Williams as”Potsie” on the sitcom “Happy Days”] … Seriously,the other guys in U2 are like, “Oh my God, here comesBono. Don’t tell him what we’re doin’ tonight.” …Meanwhile, if he came in here, we’d kiss his ass.
[Glamorous photo of singer Courtney Love] CourtneyLove! Here’s her latest cleaned-up look. Now she’s thekind of girl you can bring home to Mom. If your momlikes to share needles and make out with chicks.
Back to you, Norm!
Norm MacDonald: [who has pulled his paper clip out ofshape and now twirls it in Spade’s direction] DavidSpade!
David Spade: Thank you! [shakes hands with Norm] Goodto see you, pal! [waves to crowd, rises, exits] Allright!
Norm MacDonald: [Photo of convicted young murdererLyle Menendez] This week, the California Department ofCorrections confirmed that Lyle Menendez and modelAnna Erickson were married in prison. Following theceremony, Menendez spent a romantic wedding nightbeing raped by two white guys and a big black guy.
[Photo of the Village People] TriStar Pictures isplanning a film about the ’70s disco act, the VillagePeople. While the movie will be coming out nextsummer, it plans to wait until Thanksgiving to comeout to its parents.
[Photo of Bruce Willis] Actor Bruce Willis is filminghis next movie, the “The Broadway Brawler,” inWilmington, Delaware. [Photo of actress Demi Moore]Meanwhile, his wife Demi Moore is taking a break frommovie work saying she wants to spend more time withher huge breasts.
[Image of newspaper headline which reads: “Same day (&hosp) delivery for 3 sisters”] Well, how’s this for acoincidence? Last week in New York, three sisters eachhad a baby on the same day at the same hospital.Though, it should be noted, the three womenwere in different hospitals, they’re notsisters, and they didn’t have babies. Also, it was,uh, two guys. [hardly anyone laughs] Still kind of acoincidence, you know, if you think about it…
[Image of a newspaper blurb titled “Missouri”]According to a new ordinance in Kansas City, Missouri,anyone convicted of indecent exposure, prostitution,or soliciting prostitution will have his name postedon a local cable channel. If I can be permitted apersonal comment, while the plan’s goal of publiclyshaming sex offenders is well intentioned, it’simportant to remember, in this democracy of ours, thatNorm MacDonald is a very common name.
[Photo of masked pop star Michael Jackson and wifeDebbie Rowe] And, finally, sources report that MichaelJackson’s baby is due February 27th and it’s going tobe named Michael Jackson Junior. Michael plans to bewith the mother during the delivery, in his words, tomake up for not being there for the contra-s– …[having messed up the punchline, Norm chuckles andstarts over] Sources report that Michael Jackson’sbaby is due February 27th… [Norm stops reading andsays matter-of-factly] It’s “conception” — the lastword was “conception,” so …
[Scattered laughter. Applause. Music. Apparentlydisgusted at having mangled the joke, Norm doesn’teven say good night — he just grins and nods to thecamera as we dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]