White House For Sale


White House For Sale

Mike McCurry…..Chevy Chase
President Bill Clnton…..Darrell Hammond
Peter Wolk…..Jim Breuer
Cheryl Wolk…..Cheri Oteri
Secretary…..Molly Shannon
Michael Brooks…..Tracy Morgan
Jason Howard…..Mark McKinney
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald


[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President Bill Clinton sitting at his desk in front of a tall stack of flapjacks ]

[ Mike McCurry enters holding clipboard itinerary ]

Mike McCurry: Good morning, Mr. President.

President Bill Clinton: Mike. How are you doing?

Mike McCurry: Very good. Thank you, sir. We have a very busy day, sir. I have your itinerary right here in front of me.

President Bill Clinton: Alright, Mike.

Mike McCurry: Let’s take a look. At 8:45, you’re having coffee with six big contributors from Denver. They’ve each paid $25,000 each, so that’s good.

[ couple wander into the Oval Office in their pajamas ]

Peter Wolk: Hey, do you have any syrup?

President Bill Clinton: Uh.. excuse me, but.. if you’re looking for the tour, it starts downstairs..

Mike McCurry: Uh.. Mr. President, this is Cheryl and Peter Wolk. They’re big contributors from the Florida Democratic community, and they’re staying in the Lincoln Bedroom.

President Bill Clinton: [ laughs apologeticlaly ] I’m sorry! Thank you for your support!

Peter Wolk: Right, yeah. How about that syrup?

President Bill Clinton: Yeah.. sure. [ surrenders his bottle of syrup ]

Peter Wolk: Hey, man, can we get a TV in there, too?

Cheryl Wolk: Yeah, we’re gonna miss friggin’ Rosie.

Peter Wolk: Yeah.

[ couple exit the Oval Office ]

Mike McCurry: I’m sorry, sir. To continue: at 9:30, you’re playing golf; nine holes with the owner of a Phillipino natural gas company. He paid $40,000. You are to lose.

President Bill Clinton: What about my education reform package?

Mike McCurry: Well, I don’t know about that. [ continues ] 11:15, for $20,000, Pictionary with a Mr. & Mrs. Steven J. Peckman. Uh.. 12:10, for $9,000, you’re giving Mr. Robert Sinclair’s son a tennis lesson. That sounds nice.

President Bill Clinton: Wasn’t I supposed to fly to Mexico City for that economic conference.

Mike McCurry: Oh, Mr. President, we couldn’t use Air Force One – it’s already been rented out to the guy who kicked the field goal at the Pro Bowl.

President Bill Clinton: Oh?

[ Secretary enters Oval Office ]

Secretary: Uh.. Mr. President, your 9:00 and your 9:05 are here.

[ Black Man and Excited Man enter Oval Office ]

President Bill Clinton: Who are these people?

[ Black Man steps forward eagerly ]

Mike McCurry: Uh, sir, this is Mr. Michael Brooks, he paid $200 to have his photo taken with you. Go ahead. [ Clinton flashes a wide smile ] Oh, oh, oh, oh – don’t smile, sir, it’s a $200 picture.

[ satisfied, Blakc Man exits Oval Office ]

Mike McCurry: [ turns Clinton to the side ] Thank you. Mr. President, just stand this way for one moment, please.

[ Excited Man kicks Clinton straight in the ass ]

President Bill Clinton: Hey!

Mike McCurry: Uh.. this is Jason Howard, he paid $5 to kick you in the ass.

President Bill Clinton: Only $5?

Mike McCurry: Well, we’re running a special, sir. Every little bit helps.

Jason Howard: I only got a twenty.

Mike McCurry: That’s alright. [ takes the $20 and heads for a closet, which is revealed to contain a couple of money guards ]

President Bill Clinton: Oh, Michael, I don’t understand! Why do I even need all this money? I’ve already been re-elected.

Mike McCurry: Well.. you wanted a Democratic Congress. Campaigns cost money. [ to the money guards ] One ass kick.

President Bill Clinton: Could you just hold on a second, Michael. I mean.. what are we doing here? When did this all become about money? I mean, theyre are needy, hugry people out there, who are dependent upon me to help them improve the quality of their lives. I mean, I am the President.. of the United States.

Mike McCurry: Well, actually, sir.. as of five minutes ago, you’re not. Someone paid us a million dollars to be President for the next three hours.

President Bill Clinton: Somebody paid a million dollars?

Mike McCurry: A million dollars.

President Bill Clinton: A million?

[ Bob Dole crankily enters the Oval Office ]

Bob Dole: That’s right, you bet! That Superbowl commercial was worth every dime! Scram! Get the hell out of here! Bob Dole’s got three hours to pick an agenda, I got it all planned out here! The first twenty minutes, pick out a new cabinet! Next half-an-hour, meet with Congress, announce a balanced budget amendment! Next ten minutes, pull out our troops from Bosnia! Next forty-five minutes, well that’s nap time! Then, Bob Dole will wake up, roll back affirmative ation, that damn thing..

[ fade on Dole going crazy with his short-term power, as Clinton and McCurry exit Oval Office ]

SNL Transcripts

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