Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.
Norm MacDonald: Hi, I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news.
Our top story tonight: This week in the civil trial of O.J. Simpson, the jurywhich had earlier had found him liable in the deaths of Ron Goldman andNicole Brown Simpson, this week tacked on an additional 25 million dollars inpunitive damages. On hearing the news Simpson declared “This is far from over”.Asked to clarify that statement, O.J. said “I’m going to kill more people.What did you think I meant?”
Just hours after President Clinton again pledged to clean up the democraticparty’s fundraising operation, the Whitehouse announced he will attend amillion dollar fundraiser next week. However spokesman Mike McCurry stressedthat at this event “Donations from Indonesia or other foreign countries willnot be accepted, unless they are left in a brown paper bag under the sink inthe men’s room”.
More bad news for the President, this week convicted Whitewater swindlerJames McDougal claims that his ex-wife Susan McDougal had an affair withClinton while he was governor of Arkansas. The President denied the chargesadding, “If you really knew me you would know that I was always faithful toGennifer Flowers.”
Norm MacDonald: This week saw new accusations of infideltity levelingagainst President Clinton. Here to answer those charges, on behalf of thePresident, is Colin Quinn.
Colin Quinn: Thank you. [ points to photo of Susan McDougal ] Firstof all, this is Susan McDougal. I believe Clinton when he says he didn’tsleep with her. She isn’t his type. He doesn’t go for that corporatelook. He likes the girls with the teased-out perms and the flourescentlipstick that work at Spencer Gifts. His hero JFK was doing Marilyn Monroe,but Clinton falls for the first pair of frayed acid wash that stumbles out ofFudrucker’s.
But why are we all so upset about Clinton’s mistresses in the first place?Why mae a big deal out of it? In Europe, they accept the fact that theirleaders have mistresses. We should give Clinton that same slack. You know,he could bring them to state dinners: “Prime Minister Netenyahu, PrimeMinister Major, this is Tammy.” Who are we to judge? Our bodiesare too messed up sexually to begin with! Did you see Faye Resnick inPlayboy this month? What is that?! That’s like, “Hey, seethis girl? Her friend got murdered. I want to see her naked!” You know?We judge Clinton, but all the presidents had mistresses. Eisenhower, FDR..but those were professional mistresses. They would never rat you outto the media. If the media came sniffing around, they’d put on theirfavorite housecoat and eat a handful of barbituates. That’s the way it wasdone. That was the fifties. People didn’t want to know the President’sdirty laundry, they were just interested in his policies. In Europe, it’sstill that way – they sit around cafes, arguing politics. Here, peoplewatch the State of the Union Address, and they say, “Hey, Clinton looksfat.”
And Clinton is just like us. He should be worrying about his policies beingcompromised. He’s too bust running over to some suburban Virginia apartmentcomplex to be with a barmaid from Pizzeria Uno. He’s supposed to be leadingus, not looking at glass unicorn collections and listening to MaryChapin-Carpenter. You see, it’s our own fault. We want leaders who arecharming and charismatic and tell us what we want to hear. Well, guesswhat? Those qualities that get elected are the same ones that get youlaid. Thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Colin Quinn! Alright, Colin, good job. That wasgreat!
The Irish rock band U2 kicked off their new tour in New York City yesterday,making a surprise appearence at a downtown K-mart. Fellow Irish performerSinead O’Conner was also on hand, but she works there.
Well, it’s Oscar time once again and ‘Breaking the Waves’ star Emily Watsonwas nominated for Best Actress. Asked to comment, Watson said, “Who the hellam I? I’ve never heard of myself..”
Senator Strom Thurman, at 94, the oldest person ever to serve in Congress,has been hospitalized this week with a bout of the flu. Doctors who examinedthe senator thoroughly, got kind of nautious.
Prince, the black labrador from New Hampshire, sentenced to death for killinga rooster won a reprieve this week. But although Prince is now officially offthe hook with local authorities he still must face the family of the roosterin the Civil trial, so.. he may be giving up a few milkbones, or whatever..
Stephen J. Hawkings, the renowned astrophysicist, regarded as AlbertEinstein’s intellectual successor, conceded defeat this week in a wager hemade six years ago with two professors of the California Institute ofTechnology. Hawkings incorrectly bet against the existence of nakedsingularities: a mathematical point in a black hole where space and time areinfinitely distorted, where matter is infinitely dense and where the rules ofrelavistic physics break down. With all due respect to Mr. Hawkings: what thehell were you thinking? I would have taken that bet, made a quick 20 bucks!
In northeren Florida, refuse from a paper mill caused female fish to developmale sex organs. In a related story: Attorney General Janet Reno
Connecticuit legislators are about to pass a law that would make it illegalto prohibit breastfeeding in public. Then hopefully these legislators willchange this fascist law, that the person being breast-fed in public has tobe a baby.
Well here is a sign of the times: this summer for the first time ever youwill need a reservation to get into Yosemite National Park. Officials saythose hit hardest by the new regulations are the squirrels.
Gary Larson is writing for the show now.
And, finally, first place in Weekend Update’s “Most Romantic Valentine”contest goes to David Delaferra of Carny, New Jersey. Yesterday, Mr.Delaferra, who works as a fireman here in the city, climbed the ladder ofthe firetruck to the 3rd floor office window of his girlfriend Alexandra.There with a dozen roses and a wedding ring, he proposed to her in frontof all of her co-workers. Congratulations, David! And coming in last placefor the 3rd year in a row: O.J. Simpson.
Norm MacDonlad: And that’s the way it is, folks. Good night, enjoyyour Sunday!