Late Show with David Letterman
David Letterman…..Norm MacDonald
Paul Shaffer…..Mark McKinney
Robert De Niro…..Alec Baldwin
[ Band finishes playing as Letterman wipes something off his desk ]
David Letterman: Alright. Alright, welcome back to the big show folks! You came on a good night, Robert De Niro is with us. So Paul, uh, Paul, yesterday I pile the wife and kids into the station wagon, we go out to dinner, and, uh, on the way there
Paul Shaffer: Yeah, uhh, how are the kids?
David Letterman: What’s that, Paul?
Paul Shaffer: How…how are the kids?
David Letterman: Oh oh, well, thanks for asking. The little one’s got a touch of the flu but he’s good. So anyway, we’re at the Red Lobster there, Paul, and I’m enjoying what I always get there. You know what I always get. The, uhh, the Fisherman’s Platter?[ Paul laughs ]
David Letterman: [ laughs ] Yeah. So this, so this waiter comes to our table, Paul, and he’s one of those real oily guys. You know those kinds of guys? Real oily? He looks right at me and gives me one of these. Like, uhh: [ doing impression ] “Ehh, uhh, you enjoying your shrimp? Ehh, you enjoying your shrimp?”[ Paul and Letterman laugh ]
Paul Shaffer: So, ahh, he wanted to know if you enjoyed your shrimp. Yeah, yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah, that’s right. [ laughs ] “Ehh, you enjoy your shrimp?” [ hi-pitched laugh ] Well, folks, in a couple seconds Robert De Niro will be out here and a little later on from “Nash Bridges”, the lovely Jodie O’Keith. Do you, do you enjoy the “Nash Bridges”, Paul?
Paul Shaffer: Yeah, yeah, “Nash Bridges”, good, yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah. Yeah, I think it’s a great program, you know? It’s got the guy from “Miami Vice” there, you’ve got your, uhh, Doug Johnson on there on it.
Paul Shaffer: That’s, uhh, Don Johnson.
David Letterman: Yeah, well, whatever, anyway. He’s good. And you know who else they got now, apparently? Cheech from “Cheech and Chong”. He’s on the show as well.
Paul Shaffer: Oh yeah, Cheech, yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah.
Paul Shaffer: Yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah, he plays the sidekick. And you know, I was thinking about this this afternoon, Paul, and that seems a little silly to me, you know, when you think about you. When you’re making your serious crime drama, you don’t want to cast Cheech. That seems, you know. You know who they should have gotten for that role, don’t you Paul?
Paul Shaffer: Yeah, who’s that?
David Letterman: Well, they should have got Chong. [ laughs long and high into a sigh ] Chong. [ laughs ] You imagine such a thing, Paul, Chong?! [ laughs ] Anyway, folks, tonight we got a great program. Bonnie Raitt will be on the show and Jesus, every time she’s here she blows the roof off the joint. And Paul? Why wouldn’t they use Chong on the show, when you think about it?
Paul Shaffer: I…I don’t know. I don’t know.
David Letterman: Yeah, I don’t know either. I…I think that’s a mistake! [ laughs ] Anyway, folks, we couldn’t be more thrilled to have our first guest here on the program. Ladies and Gentlemen, brace yourselves, Robert De Niro![ Music plays as De Niro walks out holding a glass of scotch and smoking a cigar. Letterman shakes his hand and leads him to a seat ]
David Letterman: Oh gosh, Robert, I can’t tell you how great it is to have you on the program. All the work you’ve done over the years is just top notch. It must make you very happy, huh?
Robert De Niro: Lil’ bit, lil’ bit. Yeah.
David Letterman: Well, now Robert, tells us about your new film “Marvin’s Room”.
Robert De Niro: I like the band. The band’s good. The band’s good.
David Letterman: You, you enjoy the band, do you? Well, now, let me tell you this, Robert, uhh, I saw “Marvin’s Room” and I have to tell you it’s a fine piece of work. Robert? It’s got a great cast. You’ve got, you’ve got Meryl Streep, Diane Keaton. Oh, and you know who I particularly enjoyed in the film was uhh, was uhh.. Chong!
Robert De Niro: Yeah, he was good. He’s very good. That he is. He’s good.[ Letterman laughs ]
David Letterman: You hear that Paul? He enjoys Chong![ Letterman and Paul laugh again ]
Robert De Niro: You two have a good time, I’ll give you that. You know, it reminds me of the time Marty and I, Marty and I were making “Taxi Driver”, we were filming “Taxi Driver” and Marty turns to me, he says…
David Letterman: Oh oh, let me guess! He probably said this, he probably, “Ehh, you enjoying the shrimp? Ehh, you enjoy the shrimp?” [ laughs ] Hey hey! You know who I’ll bet really enjoyed the shrimp? Chong! [laughs longer and harder, eventually becoming a hard coughing fit ] Ohh! Ahh!
Robert De Niro: Dave, I watch your show all the time, and I got a little surprise for you.
David Letterman: Oh oh, what’s that there, Robert?
Robert De Niro: I watch your show all the time, I’m familiar with the format, so I’ve got my own Top Ten list and I’d like to do it for you.
David Letterman: Oh, by all means. That would be great.[ Music plays as De Niro takes the list out of his pocket ]
Robert De Niro: Top Ten Reasons You Should See My New Movie, “Marvin’s Room”. Number 10… [ drumroll starts ] I don’t care for that, turn that off. [ drumroll stops ] Keep it off.
Number 10: See “Marvin’s Room”.
Number 9: Like I said, see “Marvin’s Room”.
Number 8: See it already!
Number 7: See “Marvin’s Room”! Be a man! Be a man!
Number 6: “Marvin’s Room”. I’ve heard things! I heard some things about “Marvin’s Room”!
Number 5: Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!
Thanks to Adam for this transcript!