Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 14
Mary Katherine Gallagher
Mary Katherine Gallagher….Molly Shannon
Excited Fan….Cheri Oteri
(Opens with a bunch of Tina Turner’s fans getting their autographs from the legendary rock singer in her dressing room. Roger comes in with an earpiece on to chase the fans out of the dressing room)
Roger: (Australian accent) Ok, mates. Thanks for coming but Tina’s got to be on her way! (into the mic) The bird’s about to fly. Clearing sector G. Let’s go! Come on!
(The fans move out of the dressing room. Only one very excited fan stays with Tina Turner while she signs an autograph)
Excited Fan: I love you Miss Turner!! I have all your Cd’s and I just want you to know that I support your decision to leave your husband. [cries] You are so strong! You are so strong! Oh, my God! You are so strong!
[Roger puts her on a choke hold]
Roger: Ok, let’s clear the perimeter! Break a leg. You know what I’m talking about.
[Roger opens the dressing room door]
Excited Fan: Oh, Tina!
[Roger throws her out with a single push and closes the door]
Roger: Sorry about that, Tin. Your car’s outside. Whenever you’re ready, foxy lady.
Tina Turner: Ok, Rog. Be a second.
Roger: [into mic] Room is clear, T.T. Locked and loaded, over![leaves]
[Tina opens her closet and Mary Katherine Gallagher in her catholic high school uniform falls out]
Tina Turner: Whoa!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [gets up quick] Mary Kathrine Gallagher! [shakes hand with Tina]
Tina Turner: I’m Tina Turner.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: What?
Tina Turner: I’m Tina Turner.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I know you’re Tina Turner. You’re Tina Turner, legendary songstress and legendary diva. Originally born in Tennessee in the little old town of Nutbush formerly of the Ike & Tina review, now currently a solo artist traveling the world in the Tina Turner’s “Wildest Dreams” tour which is being sponsored by Hanes Hosiery for ladies.
Tina Turner: You know a lot about me, Mary.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yep, I do. And I also, I’ve seen the movie “What’s love got to do with it” 30 times and I, and you know what?
Tina Turner: What?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I don’t know what’s love got to do with it.
Tina Turner: Well…
[Roger comes in, fans yell for Tina, Roger closes the door]
Roger: [into the mic] Red alert! Red alert! Foxtrot, Alpha, Bravo! [grabs Mary’s arm]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Wait, hold on!
Tina Turner: Roger, just one second here. Mary, I have to get dressed right now. But it was very nice to meet you.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Ok.
Roger: Ok, four eyes, your little escapade is over. Come on!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Wait a second, wait a second! I just want to say one thing! Um, miss Tina Turner, I want to be a singer just like you.
Tina Turner: Yeah?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [sings] What’s love got to do, got to do with it…
Roger: [puts Mary on a headlock] All right! That’s enough, you jackeroo! [into the mic] Code yellow, situation under control.
Tina Turner: Roger, Roger! One second here. Let me just have a second with Mary. All right?
Roger: [lets go of Mary] Righty-o, Tina. But I’m right outside if a situation develops.
[Roger leaves, fans plead for autographs outside the door, Roger closes the door]
Tina Turner: Mary, come over here. You know Mary, that was kind of dangerous, sneaking into someone’s dressing room. I could’ve called the police.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: You mean, the fuzz?
[Mary puts her hands under her armpits]
Tina Turner: Yes. What are you doing?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes when I get nervous I stick my fingers under my arms and then [smells her fingers] I smell ’em like that.[sniffs] That’s really gross.
Tina Turner: No, no. Its all right. Mary, come over here for a second. Come over to this mirror. You know what I see in that mirror? Mary? [Tina and Mary look in the mirror] I see a very pretty girl.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: You mean in this mirror here?
Tina Turner: In that mirror there.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Really?
Tina Turner: Yes. Now take your hands from under your armpits and come over here. And relax, relax, relax. Ok? Now Mary, I want you to concentrate. I want you to feel deep inside of yourself.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: No. My grandmother said that I’m not supposed to do that.
Tina Turner: That’s ok, ok Mary. See, what I want you to do is try to concentrate. Because that person that you got hidden inside, I want you to do that.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I can’t.
Tina Turner: Yes, you can. Try to concentrate and I want you to tell me who you are. Who are you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Who am I?
Tina Turner: Yes! Who are you? Tell me, Mary! Who are you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [sings Tina’s hit Private Dancer] I’m your Private Dancer, a dancer for money, I’ll do what you want me to do….
Tina Turner: That’s it, Mary! You got it! That’s a good girl.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [more forceful, just like Tina] I’m your private dancer! A dancer for money, any old music will do!
Tina Turner: Yes, you got it! Yes, yes!
[Hit “Proud Mary” plays]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [excited she sings] Big wheel keep on turnin’…
Tina Turner: Whooo!!
Tina and Mary: Proud Mary keep on burnin’!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [jumps on a chair, imitates Tina’s moves] Rollin’!
Tina and Mary: Rollin’, rollin’ on a river!!
Tina Turner: One more time!
Tina and Mary: Rollin’! Whoo! Rollin’! Whoo! Rollin’ on a river!
Tina Turner: Oh, yeah!!
Tina and Mary: Rollin’! Rollin’!
[Mary jumps back and crashes on top of a table smashing it to pieces]
[Mary jumps, arms high]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Superstar!
Tina Turner: Yes, yes! Fantastic!
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel