Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
… Howard Stern
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonaldand now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
[Photo of Kenneth Starr] In a startling reversal,Kenneth Starr announced yesterday that he would NOTresign as Whitewater Special Prosecutor, and that nowhe intends to stay on until the investigation iscompleted. This new development apparently did nottrouble a confident President Clinton [Photo of BillClinton] who still plans to resume making conjugalvisits to Susan MacDougal. [Photo of handcuffed SusanMacDougal]
[Side-by-side photos of Madeline Albright and BorisYeltsin] This week in Moscow, Secretary of StateMadeline Albright and Russian President Boris Yeltsinsat down to discuss the delicate issue of NATOexpansion. On emerging from what was described as atense meeting, Ms. Albright said, quote, “For this Itraveled five thousand miles, to meet with somedrunken meshuggah? On my worst enemy I wouldn’t wishthis.”
[Photo of John Huang] Meanwhile, the Indogate scandalcontinues to widen. Internal Democratic NationalCommittee records now show that fundraiser John Huangwas responsible for bringing two Chinese businessmento the White House for a $180,000 “coffee” with thePresident. That works out to $90,000 for a cup ofcoffee, although, in the President’s defense, thecoffee was Starbucks. … [mild reaction from crowd soNorm explains] Starbucks is a little pricey.
[Photo of Janet Reno] Also this week in Washington,several prominent Democrats joined Republicans inpleading with Attorney General Janet Reno toinvestigate fundraising abuses. And also toshave.
[Photo of Fred Goldman] At a book signing in New Yorkthis week, Fred Goldman once again offered to forgetthe millions owed to him by O. J. Simpson, if he wouldsimply admit to the Brentwood murders. [Photo ofsmiling O. J. Simpson] A visibly annoyed O. J.responded, “Why in the world would I do that, when Ihave no intention of paying you anyway?”
[Graphic of dollar bill and commercial airliner withtext reading PRICE WAR] After American Airlinesdecided this week to cut fares by fifty percent, thefour other major airlines said they would match thebargain ticket prices. Also fighting to staycompetitive, discount carrier ValuJet [ValuJetcorporate logo] announced that it will now acceptstolen credit cards and bad checks.
[Photo of masked pop singer Michael Jackson] MichaelJackson has reportedly stepped right into his new roleas a dad, spending many hours a day with his newbornson, doing the changing, the burping, even thebreast-feeding, so … That’s nice when a – when afellow does that, you know?
In Wisconsin, students at Menomonee High School aredesperately fighting efforts by the politicallycorrect to change their team nickname, “the Indians.”Already opponents of the name have rejected thestudents’ first compromise, “the Drunken Indians.” …They feel that’s almost worse in a way, youknow?
[Photo of a cow] “Bessie the Cow,” the most famousbovine citizen of San Antonio, Texas, is now listed in”Ripley’s Believe It or Not” after giving birth to hertenth set of calf twins. Bessie also made “Ripley’s”under the category “Least Original Name for a Cow.”
[Photo of Jack Kevorkian] And, finally, in medicalnews there are reports that suicide doctor JackKevorkian is considering retirement. As Kevorkian putit: “I always said I’d quit the day it stopped beingfun.”
Norm MacDonald: Now, ladies and gentlemen, themoment we’ve all been waiting for here — the King ofAll Media, Howard Stern!
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to radiopersonality Howard Stern seated next to Norm. Theyshake hands.]
Howard Stern: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. Thankyou. Thank you. You know – you know, a lot of peopleare wondering what I’m doin’ here tonight and quitefrankly I’m wondering what I’m doin’ here as well.Actually, I’m, uh, on the road promoting my new movie– it’s opening up March 7th, it’s called “PrivateParts” — I want to invite all of America to come seeit. That’s what I’m doin’ here ’cause, quite frankly,I – I, uh… [Norm chuckles] I didn’t want to comehere tonight.
Norm MacDonald: You didn’t want to comehere?
Howard Stern: Well, I’m here under the guisethat I’m the, actually, the, uh– What would you callme?
Norm MacDonald: You’re the televisioncritic!
Howard Stern: Television critic! What a lamepremise. But, uh, yes, I’m the Television Critic and Imust tell you that I’m here to review Saturday NightLive. And I’m here to say that I think that ninetypercent of Saturday Night Live sucks. Uh, the sketchesare kind of weak, I think we’ll all agree. I think theonly good thing on Saturday Night Live is Norm –quite frankly, that’s why I’m here. [applause, Normgrins] He loves when I say that.
Norm MacDonald: No, no, I – I feel, like, I – Ifeel bashful when you say that.
Howard Stern: [not convinced] Oh, really?! So,anyway, no, Norm is, uh – Norm is the fun aspect ofthis thing and I– You know, they even asked me to doa couple of sketches…
Norm MacDonald: [encouragingly] Yeah,yeah!
Howard Stern: … and I refused. Well, itdidn’t go well. I suggested a couple of sketches. Sowhat I said to them was, tell you what, you haveKathie Lee and Regis. And they’re talkin’ about me andthey’re saying bad stuff about me and, you know,Kathie Lee’s like “I can’t believe he has a moviecomin’ out and all this and – and he makes fun of Codyand calls him the Incubus and he says I hope Codygrows up to be like a gay senator or something…” andit’s – it’s all wrong so I figured, while they’rebad-mouthing me, I come in disguise as Fartman, mysuperhero character, and I just blow Kathie Lee’s headoff. And this would have been a great sketch. [cheers]
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Howard Stern: You know what I mean? But theytold me that I couldn’t do it because they didn’t haveenough time to make, uh, Kathie Lee’s head explode,you know. So, then I said, what if we do a sketchwhere, me as Fartman, I come into Elizabeth Taylor’shospital room and while I’m in there I just blow thattumor right out of her head. And she’s in a coma andthe tumor just lands in a chocolate box and then Liz,when she wakes up, grabs the tumor thinking it’schocolate and eats it. Be a phenomenal sketch! But,anyway, they wouldn’t let me do any of this outrageousstuff, so I’m here to behave myself basically and justpromote my movie. So what I thought I’d do tonight,Norm, is give everybody a first look at a clip from mymovie, “Private Parts.”
Norm MacDonald: That’d be cool.
Howard Stern: This is me, take a look at this,this is me when I’m a young disc jockey. I looked alot different. I had a very geeky hairstyle, asopposed to my Louis XIV look that I have now. And itwas the first time while I was in Hartford and acelebrity actually came on to me. I mean, she invitedme up to her hotel room and I want to show that rightnow, if you don’t mind. So take a look at this clip,this is from “Private Parts” the movie, March 7th. Goahead.
[“Private Parts” movie clip: in a hotel room, abig-haired sexy starlet in a short sparkling dressescorts young Howard Stern to a sofa.]
Starlet: Sit down.
Young Howard Stern: [off the room] Nice.[Howard sits]
Starlet: I’ll be right back.
Young Howard Stern: Okay. [watches her walkinto the bathroom, turn the light on, remove hershoes]
Fred Norris: [Howard’s sound effects guy, at awet bar, to Howard] Hey, man. Free drinks. [startsfixing a drink]
Young Howard Stern: [clears his throat, watchesstarlet run bath water, murmurs quietly] What the hellis she doing?
Fred Norris: I think she’s running thebath.
[Both men watch as the starlet unzips the back of herdress]
Young Howard Stern: Oh, my God, man. She’staking her clothes off.
Fred Norris: I guess she forgot to close thedoor.
Young Howard Stern: She’s a Hollywood actress,they have a lot on their mind.
[Returning from the clip, we find Norm and Howardpeering at the off screen monitor and sevenbikini-clad women making out with each other behindthe WU desk.]
Howard Stern: Well, there it is! [some of thewomen start running their hands sensuously over Howardand Norm] That’s a clip from the movie “Private Parts”– I think everybody’s gonna love it. I suggest you goto the theater and, quite frankly, it’s a verysensitive love story between me and my wife. And yousee what’s going on here, Norm?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, sure.
Howard Stern: A lot of this kind of stuff isn’tin my movie at all. [one woman drops into Howard’slap, women swarm all over Norm and Howard]
Norm MacDonald: Is there any of it atall?
Howard Stern: Well, some of this kind of stuffis in my movie but it’s not all of this kind ofstuff.
Norm MacDonald: [woman climbs into Norm’s lap]All right, Howard.
Howard Stern: And you’re really going to loveit. I want everybody to go to the theaters. It’s me asa disc jockey coming on and becoming The King of AllMedia. I think you’re gonna love it. Good night,everybody!
Norm MacDonald: Howard Stern, folks!
[Norm waves goodbye from beneath a couple of women,one of whom is trying to remove his jacket. Applause.Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]