Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 14
96n: Alec Baldwin / Tina Turner
Wong & Owens, Ex-Porn Stars
Don Wong…..Jim Breuer
Reggie Owens…..Tracy Morgan
Mr. Fox…..Alec Baldwin
Sarah…..Cheri Oteri
French Maid…..Molly Shannon
1970’s ADULT FILM MUSIC PLAYS
A montage of photographs shows DON WONG & REGGIE OWENS posing with attractive adult films actresses from the 1970’s.
Announcer (V/O): Don Wong and Reggie Owens were two of the biggest porn stars in the 70’s. But their increasing disgust with the lifestyle led them to turn their back on the porn industry in an attempt to lead decent, honorable lives. This is their story… Wong & Owens — Ex-Porn Stars.
SUPER: Wong & Owens Ex-Porn Stars.
INT. OFFICE — MORNING
Don & Wong stand side-by-side. Both dressed in 1970’s clothing.
Don Wong: Man, we got to get it right this time. One more screw-up and the employment agency’s going to drop us.
Reggie Owens: Man, we got to get it right. I’m never going back to porn movies! Never!
MR. FOX, early 40’s, slicked back hair with blazer and polo shirt, ENTERS.
Mr. Fox: Good morning gentleman. It’s nice to meet you. You come highly recommended. I have only one piece of advice for you, guys — I am a born again Christian and I don’t want to force my beliefs on you. I expect you to behave in a decent Christian manner while working in the office. Now Sarah, will show you guys what you’ll be doing…
ENTER SARAH, early 30’s, brown business suit.
Sarah: Sure, sure. Hi, I’m Sarah. Don’t mind Mr. Fox… He does that all the time. So…
Sarah points to Don then Reggie.
Sarah: Don and… Reggie?
Reggie Owens: Yeah. Reginald Owens.
Sarah: I’m Sarah. Don, why don’t you start by sharpening those pencils for Mr. Fox? And Reggie, you come with me.
Don moves to a desk to sharpen pencils. Sarah leads Reggie to another desk. She and Reggie pick each up an envelope.
Sarah: Reggie, you’ll be stuffing these envelopes with our monthly billing requests. And when you stuff it, just lick it, and press it firmly.
Reggie Owens: Like this?
Reggie licks the envelope incorrectly. Sarah chuckles.
Sarah: No, no. Don’t be afraid to get it really wet.
Sarah licks her envelope in a correct manner.
Reggie Owens: Oh I like to get it wet.
PORN MUSIC BEGINS. Reggie starts to unbutton the lower buttons on his shirt.
Sarah: What?
A RECORD SCRATCH OFF SCREEN
Reggie Owens: I mean the envelopes. I lick envelopes really good.
Sarah: All right. I’m going to see how your friends doing.
Sarah trails off while Reggie licks envelopes. Don holds an electric pencil sharpener and inspects every angle. Sarah comes to his side.
Don Wong: Yo ma’am – I can’t work this doo-hickey over here.
Sarah takes the sharpener away from Don, who takes a seat.
Sarah: Here let me help you. Don’t be afraid to stick it all the way in there.
Sarah inserts a pencil into the sharpener.
Sarah: Go deep and hard. In and out.
PORN MUSIC RESUMES
Don rises from his seat, unzips his bell bottoms and unbuttons his top shirt buttons.
Don Wong: Yeah I’m going to go in and out.
Sarah: What are you doing!?
RECORD SCRATCH O/S
Don Wong: Nothing. This is all I know. The pencils…
Don takes a seat and starts sharpening pencils.
Don Wong: I got it.
Sarah scurries over to Reggie, who’s licking envelopes.
Sarah: Your friend is weird. How are the envelopes coming?
Reggie Owens: Pretty good.
Sarah: No Reggie.
Sarah picks up an envelope.
Sarah: Get your tongue on there really good and just wiggle back and forth — like this.
Sarah wiggles her tongue fast on the adhesive area. Reggie rises from his seat and grabs hold of Sarah. His force moves Sarah to walk backward toward the center of the office.
PORN MUSIC RESUMES
Reggie Owens: I’ll go back and forth all night. I’m the wiggle king.
Sarah: What are you doing?
Don joins Reggie. Reggie’s chest’s exposed and Don’s unzipping his bell-bottoms.
Both: We like to wiggle it.
Sarah: Why!!?? Stop it!!
Mr. Fox bolts from his office.
Mr. Fox: What the hell is going on here!?
RECORD SCRATCH O/S
Both: We’re sorry! We’re sorry!
Don Wong: This is all we know.
Mr. Fox: Owens in my office! You too, Don! Pronto!
Sarah leaves. Don & Reggie follow Mr. Fox into his office.
INT. MR FOX’S OFFICE
Mr. Fox seats himself at his desk. Don & Reggie take seats across from him.
Mr. Fox: What was that all about!?
Don Wong: Sir, I’m going to level with you. Me and Reggie here… back in the 70’s; we did adult films, man.
Mr. Fox: Adult films?
Reggie Owens: Yeah, but, we’re totally legit now. Totally legit.
Don Wong: You got to believe us, sir. We’re just trying to work things out.
Mr. Fox: I’m going to let you boys in on a little secret. In the early 70’s I myself used to work in adult films. You may remember me as Captain Monster Rod Von Huge-En-Stein?
Reggie Owens: You’re Von Huge-En-Stein!?
Don Wong: Porn royalty!
Mr. Fox: You’re no slouches yourselves. You’re Wong and Owens. I know it’s hard to forget about the life and I sympathize with your struggles. But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. And now, you can put the life behind you.
Don Wong: I can dig it.
All share a 1970’s handshake. A scantily clad FRENCH MAID ENTERS.
French Maid: I’m here for the cleaning. Where do you want me to start?
Mr. Fox: Hold back fellas — Huge-En-Stein is back!!
All the men corral over the maid.
FREEZE FRAME
SUPER: Wong & Owens Ex-Porn Stars.
END
Submitted by: Cody Downs
