The Brendan Boyle Show
Brendan Boyle…..Colin Quinn
Wee Ned Clancy…..Sting
Male Leprechaun…..Jim Breuer
Female Leprechaun…..Cheri Oteri
Black Leprechaun…..Tracy Morgan
Female Leprechaun #2…..Molly Shannon
Male Leprechaun #2…..Tim Meadows
Announcer: Aye. From a mystical Irish village, it’s “The Brendan Boyle Show”.
Brendan Boyle: Indeed. Welcome to “The Brendan Boyle Show”, a program for leprechauns and people who care about leprechauns. Before we begin, I’d like to thank all of you’s for your cards and letters of suport, but now it’s official – I lost my job as the Lucky Charms spokesman. So, to the folks at General Mills, you can take your yellow moons, blue diamonds and green clovers, and shove them up your ruby-red arse! Now, tonight we are devoting the entire program to a very special guest. His new book – Limericks and Laughs – is a big sensation all over the world. So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado: the master of the limerick, Wee Ned Clancy.[ cut to Wee Ned Clancy sitting atop a giant mushroom ]
Wee Ned Clancy: Ah, thank you, thank you very much, Love! I feel like writing another topic, so let’s go into Wee. Would someone please shout out the name of a place, a town, a city, or a country?[ audience members murmur ]
Male Leprechaun: Tahiti!
Wee Ned Clancy: Tahiti..
There once was a gal from Tahiti
Who cooked for her husband, baked ziti.
He took just a bite
His face turned all white
And said, “That sauce is too meaty!”
Oh, thank you! That was an easy one. Can I get another one, please?
Female Leprecaun: Poughkeepsie!
Wee Ned Clancy: Poughkeepsie.. [ thinking ]
There once was a man from Poughkeepsie
Who mistakenly married a gypsy
When cooking beef stew,
She said, “Put rum in there, too.
And, boy, you’re making me tipsy!”
Poughkeepsie, that was a little trouble. But you can do better, give me another.
Black Leprechaun: Aye! Santo Domingo.
Wee Ned Clancy: Santo Domingo.. aye.
“There once was a lady from Santo Domingo
Who was wed to a young man who liked to play bingo
She cooks him a dinner
But it wasn’t a winner
It was roast beef that tasted like dingo!”
For those of you who don’t know, the dingo is a wild Australian dog, and believe me, it’s no culinary delight. Now, another place name, please?
Female Leprechaun #2: I don’t have a place, but Ijust wanted to know why all the limericks involve a woman cooking for her husband, and the food not tasting good?
Wee Ned Clancy: Well, saints preserve us. That’s not me intention at all. It must have been sheer coincedence that the theme is so strikingly similar. Now, to make it up to you, here’s a little limerick that I’ve been working on that might change your outlook a bit:
“There once was a whore in the crowd
Who spoke foolish nonsense aloud.
And, after the show
the star came up to her row
and gave her a beating that would make Jack Dempsey proud!”
Male Leprechaun #2: Now, look now, Wee Ned! I won’t be letting you talk to me wife like that! I don’t care who you are! And, besides, that last little rhyme had too many syllables!
Wee Ned Clancy: Oh, you don’t like a lot of syllables, do ya? Well, I’ve got a brand new one that’ll simply blow you away with wit and syllabic brevity! You ready?
Male Leprechaun #2: [ unsure ] Uh.. yeah..
Wee Ned Clancy: “There once was a stupid leprechaun, married to a loudmouth idiot woman of a different race!, who interrupted Wee Ned with her little sanciomonious horsecrap! But Wee Ned was happy, ’cause he’s making much more money from this one appearance than this moron couple will make in their entire miserable lives!”[ a little tiny leprechaun offers a standing ovation for Ned – even the interracial leprechaun couple join in ]
Brendan Boyle: Well, there you have it, then. Thanks for tuning in to this very special episode. Join us next week, when our guests will be the Keebler Elf and David Spade. ‘Til then – up the Irish![ fade to black ]