Note to Self: When jumping from a fake balcony, duck below the camera to create the illusion of reality!
Evita
Juan Peron…..Norm MacDonald
Eva Peron…..Ana Gasteyer
General…..Sting
Soldier #1…..Mark McKinney
Soldier #2…..Jim Breuer
Soldier #3…..Will Ferrell
Soldier #4…..Chris Kattan
Villager…..Tim Meadows
[ SUPER: “Buenos Aires, 946” ]
General: People of Argentina, your esteemed presidente, Juan Peron!
Crowd: Peron! Peron! Peron!
Juan Peron: [ steps onto the balcony with wife Eva by his side ] Argentina, let the world know that our great nation is awakening. They will carve peace into the humble bodies of Juan Peron, and his wife, Eva Peron.
Eva Peron: [ singing ]
“Don’t cry for me, Argentina
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence
I kept my promise
Don’t keep your distance.”
Juan Peron: What the hell was that?
Eva Peron: What was what?
Juan Peron: You were singing.
Eva Peron: Oh.. I, I, I did, didn’t I?
Juan Peron: Yeah, yeah, don’t do that! [ to crowd ] Heh heh heh heh, heh heh heh heh. As I was saying, I came from the people! And..
Eva Peron: [ takes microphone and sings again ]
“I came from the people
They need to adore me
To Christine Dior me
From my head to my toes
I need to be dazzling
I want to be rainbow high!
They must have excitement
And so must I!”
General: [ joins in ]
“Eyes!
Hair!
Mouth!
Figure!
Breath!
Voice!
Sky!
Movements!”
Juan Peron: [ pulls microphone away ] What the hell are you doing, Generalissimo?
General: I don’t know. It just came out.
Juan Peron: Just came out? [ to crowd ] Heh heh heh, I’ll be with you in a second. [ turns back to General ] Look, I appointed you my general because of your strength, your cunning, your tactical brilliance.
General: And my singing voice!
Juan Peron: No! No, not your singing voice! It has nothing to do with your voice! These people don’t need singing. You know what they need? They need an iron fist! They must be treated ruthlessly! They’re filthy, stinking animals! [ to revolting crowd ] Not you people, the other people! You, I, I like! [ to General ] Okay, look, I will speak, and no singing! People of Buenos Aires! [ clapping becomes rythmic ]
Eva Peron: [ sings again, as Soldiers behind her dance ]
“What’s new, Buenos Aires
I’m new
I wanna say I’m a little stuck on you
You’ll be on me too.”
Soldiers: [ singing ]
“Fill her up
with your heat,
with your noise
With your dirt”
General: “Overdue her!”
Soldiers: [ singing ]
“Let her dance
to your beat,
make it loud
Let it hurt.”
General: “Run it through her!”
General and Eva Peron: “Hello, Buenos Aires!”
Juan Peron: Okay, okay. Guess what? You’re not a general any more!
General: I’m confused..
Juan Peron: You’re confused? I’m confused, how did you all learn to sing together like that?
Soldier #1: I was just listening to what he was singing, and then imitated him! I’ll show you. Generalissimo, sing a little more.
General: Hello, Buenos Aires!”
General, Eva, Soldiers: [ singing in chorus ]
“I’m new
I wanna say I’m a little stuck on you
You’ll be stuck on me too.”
[ Soldier #4 prances on ledge; Juan pushes him off ]
Juan Peron: Now, people, we have to work together on this!
General: [ points downward ] Oh, my God! An uprising.
Juan Peron: Yes! Yes! An uprising, of course, with the singing! [ pushes climbing protester off the balcony ] Back, you stinking animal! You stinking, filthy animal! Not you, people! Him! He’s the stinking, filthy..
[ Villagers bust onto the balcony, pointing guns ]
Villager: This is the end, Peron! Any last words?
Juan Peron: Uh.. Yes! Yes! [ feeble attempt to sing ] “Don’t cry for me, Argentina!” Ha ha! People, help me sing a little bit here! I have no musical.. accompaniment. Come on, everybody! Let’s sing! Let’s sing a song!
Villager: Prepare to die!
Juan Peron: Bodyguards! [ they surround him ] Ha! Now, try anything, and my bodyguards will rip you to pieces like this! [ snaps fingers, as bodyguards prance away from him ] Ha.. This is not good.
Everyone: [ singing ]
“Don’t cry for me, Argentina
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence
I kept my promise
Don’t keep your distance..”
[ Juan throws himself off the ledge ]
Thanks to Michael Cauley of SNL Song Transcriptsfor this transcript.
