Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 15
Shopping at Home Network
Don West…Will Ferrell
Eddie Lewis….Chris Kattan
Jeff….Jim Breuer
….Mark Hamill
Don West: We are back here at the Shop at Home Network. I’m Don West.
Eddie Lewis: And I’m Eddie Lewis.
Don West: And we still have another 4 hours to go on our “Star Wars” bonanza.
Eddie Lewis: That is right, Don. And this “Star Wars” merchandise is been flying out the door like crazy!
Don West: Certainly has. Unfortunately, we are completely sold out of the Jawa’s ashtrays.
Eddie Lewis: That is beautiful! Really missed out on that one!
[Close-up on the Jawa ashtray. Four action figures Jawas glued to an ashtray]Caption: Sold out.
Don West: But we are sold out of those.
Eddie Lewis: No more Jawa ashtrays but we still have fifty “Star Wars” baseball cards collection left.
Don West: And that includes the “Chewbacca if he played for the Brewers card”.
[Close-up on baseball card of Chewbacca dressed as a baseball player holding a bat]Eddie Lewis: That is lovely.
Don West: He’s a second base man there.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, beautiful item.
Don West: That is a good looking card.
Eddie Lewis: That’s a winner. Right now we want to bring out an item which we have only one of.
Don West: Now, this is pretty much the ultimate “Star Wars” collectible.
Eddie Lewis: By far.
Don West: Jeff, why don’t you bring out the item? If you could.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, what do we got here?
[Jeff enters with a handcuffed man wearing a black hood over his head. Jeff wears a similar mustache]Jeff: Well, I’m gonna show you.
Don West: What do we got here?
Jeff: I’m gonna show ya’.[takes the hood from the man’s head and its actor Mark Hamill] This is the actual Mark Hamill!!
Caption: Mark Hamill
Eddie Lewis: That’s beautiful!
Jeff: The actual!
Don West: Amazing!
Eddie Lewis: Hell of a guy!
Jeff: The actual!
Don West: Apparently, now correct me if I’m wrong, but apparently we kidnapped him and forced him at gunpoint which allows us to sell him.
Eddie Lewis: Right.
Jeff: Got to do what you got to do.
Mark Hamill: How is it going, everybody?
Don West: Now, how much is this item going for?
Jeff: I’m gonna tell ya’. This item–are you ready? Is going for $80,000 dollars!!
Caption: Mark Hamill $80,000
Eddie Lewis: THAT IS A HELL OF A DEAL!
Don West: Now ordinarily, you’re gonna pay 100 grand for Mark Hamill.
Eddie Lewis: At least! This is a great item! If you’re at home, you can make your own “Star Wars” sequels with a camcorder!
Don West: Sure. You can make him interact with your own “Star Wars” action figures also.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, you can just have him stand on the lawn and wave at the neighbors!
Mark Hamill: Now, wait a minute, you guys, that wasn’t part of the agreement. I specifically said “No waving”.
Don West: And this is not a counterfeit Hamill.
Eddie Lewis: Real McCoy.
Don West: I know last year we sold a Hamill that turned out to be a Bruce Boxleitner.
Eddie Lewis: Oh, yeah. But, we assure you this is the Mark Hamill!
Caption: Not Bruce Boxleitner
Jeff: Absolutely. Just listen to him say “May the force be with you”.
Eddie Lewis: Go on, Mark.
Mark Hamill: Wait a minute, I didn’t even say that in the movie.
Don West: Just say it, Mark. Say it.
Mark Hamill:[sighs]”May the force be with you”.
Eddie Lewis: WOW!
[Eddie, Jeff and Don laugh. Telephone rings]Don West: Fantastic! I think we have a buyer! Hello, caller.
[Voice of caller from the telephone]Caller: Yeah, I’m thinking about buying this guy but, um, I wanna be sure he’s the real thing. Can you make him say “Luke, I am your father”.
Mark Hamill: W-wait a minute, caller. Now, I didn’t say that. Darth Vader said it.
Don West: Just play ball, Hamill.
Eddie Lewis: Just do it.
Don West: Just play ball.
Mark Hamill: All right.[deep voice]”Luke, I am your father.”
Don West: That’s nice.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, beautiful.
Caller: Uh, I’m sorry, man. That sucked.[hangs up]
Eddie Lewis: THAT WAS YOUR LOSS!
Don West: Ok, people out there may be worried because they’re wondering “where are we gonna keep a Mark Hamill?”
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, he’s easy to care for. Go ahead, tell them, Mark.
Mark Hamill: Well, I can live in the basement. I mainly eat bread and apples.
Don West: That sounds like no hassle at all!
Eddie Lewis: No problems!
Don West: Now, think about it—you can ask Luke Skywalker all the questions you always wanted to ask him.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, like this–hey, Luke, is C3PO gay?
Mark Hamill: Uh, no. He was a robot.
Don West: Or like this—hey, Luke, what was Yoda really like?
Eddie Lewis: Great question.
Mark Hamill: What are you talking about? He was a puppet.
Don West: OF THE EMPIRE?! NO WAY!
Eddie Lewis: I NEVER KNEW THAT!
[telephone rings]Eddie Lewis: Ok, I think this is it!
Don West: Hello, caller. Caller?
[Caller over the phone]Caller: Make him say “I love the smell of napalm in the morning”.
Mark Hamill: Oh, come on! That was “Apocalypse Now”.
[Don and Eddie stare at Mark]Mark Hamill: “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”
Caller: [laughs]Say “sit on it” like Fonzie.
Mark Hamill: “Hey, sit on it!”
Caller: Say “I’m kissing your neck and you’re my love toy”
Don West: Ok, caller. We gotta move on.[hangs up]
Eddie Lewis: Ok, listen up people, listen to me. Forget that he’s Luke Skywalker. This is a human being! We’re selling it! Here!
Don West: Hell, you can make him lift heavy objects for you.
Eddie Lewis: Or you can make him dust the house in a French-maid outfit.
[telephone rings]Don West: Hello, caller. What’s your name? And where are you from?
Caller: This is Harrison Ford. Hollywood.
Don West: Oh, wow.
Mark Hamill: Hey, Harrison! Thank God!
Harrison Ford: Hey, you guys already stuck me with the Bruce Boxleitner. Had to put him to sleep. Are you sure that’s really Hamill?
Don West: We guarantee it!
Mark Hamill: Come on! Of course its me! We worked together 3 times! Come on!
Harrison Ford: Aw, what the hell?[yawns] I’ll take it.[hangs up]
Caption: Sold out.
Eddie Lewis: All right!
Mark Hamill: Yes![leaves]
Eddie Lewis: That is great! We are sold out of Mark Hamill!! Totally sold out of them!
Don West: We’re sold out! They’re gone!
Eddie Lewis: Out!
Don West: Next up, we’re gonna be offering Kenny Baker, the guy that was inside R2D2 for only $3,000!
Caption: Kenny Baker $3,000.
Eddie Lewis: $3,000 DOLLARS! I’VE SEEN KENNY BAKER GO FOR FIVE GRAND!!
Don West: $3,000 bucks!
Eddie Lewis: You can’t do that!
[fade] [cheers and applause]Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
