Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 15
Shopping at Home Network
Don West…Will Ferrell
Eddie Lewis….Chris Kattan
[Opens with the Shopping at Home Network logo. Theme music. Cut to Don and Eddie with their wild behavior and mustaches. “Star Wars” and “The Empire Strikes Back” posters are up in the back of the TV studio]
Don West: We are back here at the Shop at Home Network. I’m Don West.
Eddie Lewis: And I’m Eddie Lewis.
Don West: And we still have another 4 hours to go on our “Star Wars” bonanza.
Eddie Lewis: That is right, Don. And this “Star Wars” merchandise is been flying out the door like crazy!
Don West: Certainly has. Unfortunately, we are completely sold out of the Jawa’s ashtrays.
Eddie Lewis: That is beautiful! Really missed out on that one![Close-up on the Jawa ashtray. Four action figures Jawas glued to an ashtray]
Caption: Sold out.
Don West: But we are sold out of those.
Eddie Lewis: No more Jawa ashtrays but we still have fifty “Star Wars” baseball cards collection left.
Don West: And that includes the “Chewbacca if he played for the Brewers card”.[Close-up on baseball card of Chewbacca dressed as a baseball player holding a bat]
Eddie Lewis: That is lovely.
Don West: He’s a second base man there.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, beautiful item.
Don West: That is a good looking card.
Eddie Lewis: That’s a winner. Right now we want to bring out an item which we have only one of.
Don West: Now, this is pretty much the ultimate “Star Wars” collectible.
Eddie Lewis: By far.
Don West: Jeff, why don’t you bring out the item? If you could.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, what do we got here?[Jeff enters with a handcuffed man wearing a black hood over his head. Jeff wears a similar mustache]
Jeff: Well, I’m gonna show you.
Don West: What do we got here?
Jeff: I’m gonna show ya’.[takes the hood from the man’s head and its actor Mark Hamill] This is the actual Mark Hamill!!
Caption: Mark Hamill
Eddie Lewis: That’s beautiful!
Jeff: The actual!
Don West: Amazing!
Eddie Lewis: Hell of a guy!
Jeff: The actual!
Don West: Apparently, now correct me if I’m wrong, but apparently we kidnapped him and forced him at gunpoint which allows us to sell him.
Eddie Lewis: Right.
Jeff: Got to do what you got to do.
Mark Hamill: How is it going, everybody?
Don West: Now, how much is this item going for?
Jeff: I’m gonna tell ya’. This item–are you ready? Is going for $80,000 dollars!!
Caption: Mark Hamill $80,000
Eddie Lewis: THAT IS A HELL OF A DEAL!
Don West: Now ordinarily, you’re gonna pay 100 grand for Mark Hamill.
Eddie Lewis: At least! This is a great item! If you’re at home, you can make your own “Star Wars” sequels with a camcorder!
Don West: Sure. You can make him interact with your own “Star Wars” action figures also.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, you can just have him stand on the lawn and wave at the neighbors!
Mark Hamill: Now, wait a minute, you guys, that wasn’t part of the agreement. I specifically said “No waving”.
Don West: And this is not a counterfeit Hamill.
Eddie Lewis: Real McCoy.
Don West: I know last year we sold a Hamill that turned out to be a Bruce Boxleitner.
Eddie Lewis: Oh, yeah. But, we assure you this is the Mark Hamill!
Caption: Not Bruce Boxleitner
Jeff: Absolutely. Just listen to him say “May the force be with you”.
Eddie Lewis: Go on, Mark.
Mark Hamill: Wait a minute, I didn’t even say that in the movie.
Don West: Just say it, Mark. Say it.
Mark Hamill:[sighs]”May the force be with you”.
Eddie Lewis: WOW![Eddie, Jeff and Don laugh. Telephone rings]
Don West: Fantastic! I think we have a buyer! Hello, caller.[Voice of caller from the telephone]
Caller: Yeah, I’m thinking about buying this guy but, um, I wanna be sure he’s the real thing. Can you make him say “Luke, I am your father”.
Mark Hamill: W-wait a minute, caller. Now, I didn’t say that. Darth Vader said it.
Don West: Just play ball, Hamill.
Eddie Lewis: Just do it.
Don West: Just play ball.
Mark Hamill: All right.[deep voice]”Luke, I am your father.”
Don West: That’s nice.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, beautiful.
Caller: Uh, I’m sorry, man. That sucked.[hangs up]
Eddie Lewis: THAT WAS YOUR LOSS!
Don West: Ok, people out there may be worried because they’re wondering “where are we gonna keep a Mark Hamill?”
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, he’s easy to care for. Go ahead, tell them, Mark.
Mark Hamill: Well, I can live in the basement. I mainly eat bread and apples.
Don West: That sounds like no hassle at all!
Eddie Lewis: No problems!
Don West: Now, think about it—you can ask Luke Skywalker all the questions you always wanted to ask him.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, like this–hey, Luke, is C3PO gay?
Mark Hamill: Uh, no. He was a robot.
Don West: Or like this—hey, Luke, what was Yoda really like?
Eddie Lewis: Great question.
Mark Hamill: What are you talking about? He was a puppet.
Don West: OF THE EMPIRE?! NO WAY!
Eddie Lewis: I NEVER KNEW THAT![telephone rings]
Eddie Lewis: Ok, I think this is it!
Don West: Hello, caller. Caller?[Caller over the phone]
Caller: Make him say “I love the smell of napalm in the morning”.
Mark Hamill: Oh, come on! That was “Apocalypse Now”.[Don and Eddie stare at Mark]
Mark Hamill: “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”
Caller: [laughs]Say “sit on it” like Fonzie.
Mark Hamill: “Hey, sit on it!”
Caller: Say “I’m kissing your neck and you’re my love toy”
Don West: Ok, caller. We gotta move on.[hangs up]
Eddie Lewis: Ok, listen up people, listen to me. Forget that he’s Luke Skywalker. This is a human being! We’re selling it! Here!
Don West: Hell, you can make him lift heavy objects for you.
Eddie Lewis: Or you can make him dust the house in a French-maid outfit.[telephone rings]
Don West: Hello, caller. What’s your name? And where are you from?
Caller: This is Harrison Ford. Hollywood.
Don West: Oh, wow.
Mark Hamill: Hey, Harrison! Thank God!
Harrison Ford: Hey, you guys already stuck me with the Bruce Boxleitner. Had to put him to sleep. Are you sure that’s really Hamill?
Don West: We guarantee it!
Mark Hamill: Come on! Of course its me! We worked together 3 times! Come on!
Harrison Ford: Aw, what the hell?[yawns] I’ll take it.[hangs up]
Caption: Sold out.
Eddie Lewis: All right!
Mark Hamill: Yes![leaves]
Eddie Lewis: That is great! We are sold out of Mark Hamill!! Totally sold out of them!
Don West: We’re sold out! They’re gone!
Eddie Lewis: Out!
Don West: Next up, we’re gonna be offering Kenny Baker, the guy that was inside R2D2 for only $3,000!
Caption: Kenny Baker $3,000.
Eddie Lewis: $3,000 DOLLARS! I’VE SEEN KENNY BAKER GO FOR FIVE GRAND!!
Don West: $3,000 bucks!
Eddie Lewis: You can’t do that![fade] [cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel