Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald


Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
… Colin Quinn
Joanna Pacitti … Cheri Oteri
Brittny Kissinger … Ana Gasteyer


[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Oh, thank you. I’m NormMacDonald and now the fake news. Our top storytonight:

Yesterday, President Clinton underwent a two houroperation to repair damage to his knee suffered in afall while visiting in Florida at the home ofprofessional golfer Greg Norman. Many were surprisedto hear that the two were on friendly terms since GregNorman had once threatened that if he ever caughtClinton with his wife again he’d smash his kneecapwith a 5-iron.

The President spent last night at Bethesda NavalHospital in a private room which he shared with threeChinese businessmen who came up with the required twohundred thousand dollars. [applause]

More bad news for O. J. This week, Harper Collinsreached an agreement with the Brown family to publishhis late wife’s diary. Especially troublesome toSimpson is this final entry: “Dear Diary, I have torun now because O. J.’s here to murder me … and alsothe guy who returned my glasses. I think he mightmurder him, too!”

In North Carolina, a legislative panel has agreed on abill which guarantees a murder victim’s family twofront-row seats to watch the execution. The ruling hasangered both North Carolina’s death penalty opponentsAND death penalty season ticket holders.

And in Fairbanks, Alaska, a new high-tech emergencyphone system will give operators the name and addressof anyone who calls 911. [pulls a small tape recorderout of his jacket pocket, activates it, and speaksquietly into it] Note to self: Ahh, don’t make anymore prank 911 calls … in Fairbanks, Alaska. [triesto return recorder, misses pocket several times] … Iknow I have a pocket here somewhere …

President Clinton this week declined an offer byRepublicans to form a bipartisan commission to scaleback annual increases in Social Security. Asked why herejected the proposal, the President said, quote:”Personally, I liked the idea of a bipartisancommission. However, the two Chinese guys who gave mea million dollars, they – they didn’t go for it!” …They – they just didn’t like the idea.

[Photo of Heinz ketchup bottle label] And in financialnews, H. J. Heinz has announced plans to lay off threethousand workers. According to company spokesmen,employees who refuse to budge will be turned over andshaken vigorously until they slide out. … [applause]… Much like ketchup!

Norm MacDonald: Well, St. Patrick’s Day isalmost upon us. Here with an editorial, my goodfriend, Colin Quinn! Hey, Colin. [cheers and applause,pan over to a slightly drunken Colin Quinn who wavesto the camera and holds a clear plastic cup which ishalf full of ice cubes and wine]

Colin Quinn: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. Lastyear at this time, I told you about some of the St.Patrick’s Day hazards. But it’s more than wearinggreen and punching people in the face. It’s supposedto honor Saint Patrick, a thirteenth century saint whowore green and punched people in the face. I rememberone year, I went to the parade, I got all dressed upin the religious garb of the holiday: the buttons, thederby, the shillelagh, and I had the half pint ofSouthern Comfort, all the trappings of New York,enfant terrible, whatever. [to Norm who has saidnothing] What? [drinks from his cup]

Norm MacDonald: Started celebrating a littleearly there, did ya, Col?

Colin Quinn: [laughs, wipes his mouth, garbleshis next line] On those St. Patrick’s Day’s you floundout– You flound– Flah– Found out. Found out. [toNorm] See, you messed me up.

Norm MacDonald: [quietly supportive] No, no.Just keep going, it’s good.

Colin Quinn: [to Norm, waving dismissively]You’re ridiculous. You’re a ridiculous person. [triesto continue] If you found out that your green beer–[to Norm] I’m tryin’ to say somethin’ here.

Norm MacDonald: I – I know. Colin, it’s good.Keep going.

Colin Quinn: [sarcastic, to Norm] Oh, thank youfor your approval … Mr. Weekend Update WittyComedian, whatever … All right. You said I’m doin’good so I must be doin’ good, then. Thanks. [knockscup over, spilling ice on Update desk, then pushes iceback into cup]

Norm MacDonald: [to the camera] It’s live TV,folks, I’m sorry about–

Colin Quinn: You never knocked over a cupbefore, Norm? We had free wine backstage after thething, so…

Norm MacDonald: What do you mean, “we”? Who’s”we”?

Colin Quinn: We, we. We, me, you. Look … It’sridiculous. Now, I gotta hear from Lorne Michaels, youknow, “This is not the way we do it on the show. Yougotta play by the rules.” And Jim Downey, “Colin,that’s not how we do things.” I wanted to talk aboutSt. Patrick’s Day. And they made me cut out the partthat I was – needed to explain to you people.

Norm MacDonald: All right. [tries to wrap itup] Colin Quinn, everybody! Colin Quinn!

Colin Quinn: Don’t do that, Norm! Don’t youdare do that! Don’t you patronize me!

Norm MacDonald: No, I’m not, uh–

Colin Quinn: I was a comedian longer than you!I was on “Remote Control,” Norm! [cheers and applause]Yeah. You infantile jerk. Garbage. This is bushleague! Garbage! Bush league! Bush league!

Norm MacDonald: [gestures to someone offscreen] Okay, come on in, please. [two uniformedsecurity guards enter and gesture for Colin to leavequietly] Sorry, Colin.

Colin Quinn: [willingly rises] Okay! You’rebush league, Norm. Bush league. [exits with guards,applause]

Norm MacDonald: He’s a – he’s a – he’s a – theguy just shouldn’t – he shouldn’t drink. He’s a good -he’s a good guy.

In Portland, Oregon, eight anthropologists are incourt arguing the constitutional right to study aninety-three hundred year old Native American skeletonwhich a local tribe wants to re-bury. Though the casehas merit, authorities are suspicious that one of thepeople involved in the suit is not really ananthropologist. [Photo of Michael Jackson, Norm jerksa thumb at the photo frantically] It’s – it’s this guyover here!

In New York, police have arrested a local Queens man,whom they are calling the “serial fondler.”Apparently, the man suffers from an intense desire torun up behind women and squeeze their buttocks.Psychologists call this impulse, quote, “normal.”

This week, the White House asked Congress to authorizeone hundred and seventy-five billion dollars in fundsfor highway construction, mass transit, and othertransportation projects. The President’s plan hassignificant support in Congress but many Washingtoninsiders are wondering how exactly this benefitsChina.

In New Mexico this week, lawmakers passed a measure toabolish the state’s fifteen year statute oflimitations on first-degree murder. [pulls outrecorder again] Note to self: Cancel plans to returnto New Mexico. [nods thoughtfully, grins, returnsrecorder]

Asked recently what will set his new Batman film apartfrom it’s predecessors, “Batman and Robin” directorJoel Schumacher said, quote: “In this one, all thecostumes will have nipples.” [Norm pulls out recorderone last time] Note to self: Do not watch the next”Batman and Robin.” [nods, grins, returnsrecorder]

In Duluth, Minnesota, authorities suspect arson was toblame for a fire that destroyed a mobile home andkilled seventy-three cats. The chief suspect so far:this dog. [Photo of dog] … Dogs don’t care for catsmuch, you know? [chuckles] How could they not knowthat?!

Norm MacDonald: The revival of the musical”Annie” is soon to hit Broadway but not withoutcontroversy. Last year, or last week, rather, the starof the show, twelve year old Joanna Pacitti wasabruptly replaced with her eight year old understudy,Brittny Kissinger. We have invited the recently firedtot to Update to see how she is dealing with thisunfortunate turn of events. Hi, Joanna! [applause fora grinning, robotic Joanna Pacitti, dressed as LittleOrphan Annie in red wig, red and white dress, etc. Sheis an obnoxiously loud and chipperpsycho-Annie.]

Joanna Pacitti: Hi, Norm!

Norm MacDonald: H-hi. Gee, Joanna, you know,I’m really sorry to hear what happened. You’ve beenthrough a lot in these past few weeks and– How areyou dealing with all this?

Joanna Pacitti: Well, Norm, I just think, “Hey!What would Annie do?!” And she’d say, “Gosh! It’s ahard knock life but the sun’ll come out tomorrow!”[takes a deep breath and starts to sing] The–

Norm MacDonald: [quickly interrupts] Oooookay,okay. Okay, that’s good. Now, you know, uh, I seeyou’re still wearing the costume from the show. You’regonna be takin’ that off soon I guess, huh?

Joanna Pacitti: What costume, Norm?!

Norm MacDonald: Okay, I, uh– I hear now alsothat you’ve been – you’ve been postering child–you’ve been pestering, rather, child welfare to placeyou in an orphanage. Why, why an orphanage?

Joanna Pacitti: Well, where else would anorphan stay, silly?! I mean, a chicken stays in achicken coop, right?! Here, Sandy! Wanna treat?! [putsa furry, mechanical toy pig on the Update desk andoffers it a dog treat shaped like a bone] Fetch!Catch! Jump, Sandy! FETCH, SANDY!!! [hurls the treataway as Norm chuckles nervously at her irrationalbehavior, the pig oinks and wiggles its tail]

Norm MacDonald: Hey, ya got a toy pig, there.[Joanna is so preoccupied with Sandy the pig that Normmust raise his voice to get her attention] Listen, uh,you know, Joanna, Joanne! Uh, there’s someone elsewho’s concerned about you and, uh, would like to wishyou well, we’ve got here on, uh–

Joanna Pacitti: Daddy Warbucks?!

Norm MacDonald: No, no, it’s not DaddyWarbucks. No. No, it’s your replacement, it’s adorableBrittny Kissinger, coming to us live from rehearsal.Hi, Brittny!

[Cut to Brittny Kissinger, just as obnoxiously loudand chipper as Joanna and also dressed as LittleOrphan Annie. She stands in front of a brick wall uponwhich is painted: Martin Beck Theatre STAGE DOOR.SUPER: Live / Martin Beck Theatre]

Brittny Kissinger: Hi, Norm! I’m havin’ ablast!

[Cut back to the WU desk where Joanna has torn off herred wig and is crying silently at the sight of Brittnyas Annie]

Norm MacDonald: Oh, that’s great! Brittny …Brittny, is there something you want to say to Joannehere?

[Cut to Brittny]

Brittny Kissinger: There sure is, Norm!
[piano music in, sings the show’s hit song,”Tomorrow”]The sun’ll come out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there’ll besun!

[Cut to Joanna, clutching her wig, her make-upsmeared, crying horribly; Cut to Brittny, singing herheart out]

Brittny Kissinger: [sings]Jus’ thinking about tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow
Till there’s none

[Cut to Joanna, a lit cigarette in her mouth as sherepeatedly and violently stabs Sandy the pig with ahuge knife; Cut to Brittny]

Brittny Kissinger: [sings]Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow,
You’re always a day away!
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow,
You’re always …

[Cut to Joanna, kneeling atop the WU desk, cigarettestill in mouth, waving a gun, screamingincomprehensibly; the two security guards return tograb her]

Joanna Pacitti: … a day away! [yellingat the guards as they try to drag her off] Get off me!Get off me! I’m the real Annie! Get off me, you fatbastard! Get off me, you fat bastard!

[Joanna and the guards exit, applause – During thestruggle, Joanna’s lit cigarette pops out of her mouthand lands on the desk, right next to Norm who focusesall his attention on it. He picks it up and looksaround for a way to dispose of it. When it becomesclear that no one is coming to take the burning buttaway, he finally holds it casually and addresses thecamera.]

Norm MacDonald: [ironic] Well, that was fun,wasn’t it? [tries to balance the cigarette on itsfilter atop the desk but someone off screen gets hisattention] What’s that? Yeah, I know. [sees the cuecard] Oh, you want me to say that? [looks off screenfor confirmation] You’d like me to say that? [readsoff cue card] “Thanks, ladies. And parents: keep yourkids out of show business!” [turns to another camera]I said it!

Weekend Update’s… [the screen abruptly goes dark,view shifts to another camera, Norm doesn’t realizethis and continues to face the dead camera whiletrying to hold the cigarette nonchalantly] … 1997survey of the “Most Dangerous Jobs in America” is outtoday. The biggest change, last year’s Number One,”West Coast Rap Star”– [Norm finally realizes he’slooking into the wrong camera, looks into the livecamera] You know, it would probably be better if I wasover on this camera… [cheers and applause, the viewshifts, a grinning Norm turns to the live camera]Okay. Well, now that I’m over on this camera, it’dprobably be better if you put the cards over here![greater cheers and applause, Norm puts the cigaretteon the edge of the desk, starts reading the cue cardsagain] … last year’s Number One … [stops reading]Let’s– Why don’t we start at the start of the jokenow?! [long pause while the cue card person organizesthe cards] Okay, no, this is all right. I’ll just makeit up. …

The 1997 “Most Dangerous Jobs in America” is out. Andthis year a little bit of a change. Last year’s NumberOne — “West Coast Rap Star”… [Norm glances aroundas if expecting another screw-up] … has been knockedout of the top spot by the new most dangerous job inAmerica: “East Coast Rap Star.” [mild reaction fromthe crowd] … Imagine if it had all gone well![applause as Norm grins and nods]

And, finally, next week, people everywhere willcelebrate St. Patrick’s Day. Or, as alcoholics referto it, Monday.

That’s it, folks! Good night!

[Norm flashes a peace sign and starts taking themicrophone off his necktie. Applause. Music. Dissolveto the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

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