Coffee Talk


Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Stephanie…..Ana Gasteyer

Linda Richman: Welcome to “Coffee Talk”. I’m your host, Linda Richan – Richman. Sorry. I’m still filling in for Paul Baldwin, who never despite all the treatments had a recurrence of shpilkes in his genecktageesoink. I just spent a few weeks in Boca visiting him, and knock on wood, pooh pooh pooh, his color is good, his spirits are high, and God bless the man – he can still beat me in Canasta flying boltiks, so go figure. Today I have a very special guest, she lives in the city in a rent-controlled junior 4 with a terrorist and a doorman, please welcome my cousin Stephanie. How are you?

Stephanie: Thank you, Linda. I also have a window in the kitchen, and heat and utilities are included.

Linda Richman: Can you believe? Stephanie is so lucky she has a horseshoe up her ass!

Stephanie: I believe in karma. You give, and then you get.

Linda Richman: Tell them what happened.

Stephanie: Years ago…

Linda Richman: True story.

Stephanie: I was on the game show “Sale of the Century” hosted by Joe Garagiola. P.S., long story short, I won a week in Florida at the Fountain Blue Hotel, and a lifetime supply of Jean Nate.

Linda Richman: Not too shabby.

Stephanie: No, but here’s the clinker: they give you the lifetime supply all at once. I had to get a room at Manhattan Mini-Storage for 50 bucks a month. I’m the only schmuck in New York City who pays rent for body splash!

Linda Richman: You know what, you should sell that stuff and buy yourself something nice with the money, like a studded piece of jewelry, or a gorgeous outfit, or no offense, but do you know how many skin tacks you can get removed for that kind of money? It’s a [speaks unintelligible Yiddish].

Stephanie: Exactly.

Linda Richman: So, Stephanie and I are getting ready for Monday night, because she’s throwing an Oscar party.

Stephanie: It’s not a party. I’m just gonna get a platter of franks in a blanket from Zabar’s and some butter rolls.

Linda Richman: Ach, I love butter rolls. They’re like… well, they’re like butter. Anyway, we have lots of predictions to make and many disappointments to share. To begin with, three of the top most talented women in show business were not nominated: Debbie Reynolds, Ma-donger, and yes, Barbara Streisand. It makes me very emotional. I’m getting a little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic: Rhode Island is neither a rhode nor an island. There, I feel better. I feel better.

Stephanie: Wait; I almost forgot the other one that wasn’t nominated, that Courtney Love. She’s a singer too.

Linda Richman: Ach. Hey, she looks like my pupik. Also, may I just say something, what was with that movie “The English Patient”?

Stephanie: I liked it.

Linda Richman: What’s to like? That movie made me feel like The Mental Patient. And don’t get me started with the actors’ names. Ray-ph Fiennes? I don’t think so. It’s Ralph, honey. What, do you think I buy my Polo by Ray-ph Lauren? And what was with her name – Kristen Scott Thomas? Girl, boy, boy. Who are you? Pick a gender!

Stephanie: I’ll tell you what I didn’t get – that “Secrets and Lies” movie. That movie was so long, my bangs grew in before it was over.

Linda Richman: You want to hear a secret and a lie? The movie’s great. Anyway, the good news is that Billy Crystal is hosting this year, who I love!

Stephanie: Oh, me too! He was on my airplane once. He had a vegetarian meal and a Diet Pepsi.

Linda Richman: See, I told you she was lucky! She gets Billy Crystal on her plane! I get the Snapple lady! I have no muzzle! Anyway, as a tribute to Billy Crystal and the entire Academy Awards, Stephanie and I have worked on a little number. Hit it!

[piano plays]

Both: “It’s a wonderful night for Oscar,
Oscar, Oscar, Who will win?”

Linda Richman: And our predictions are…

Stephanie: “You’ll win the Oscar, it’s no contest, Lauren
You were without a doubt the best Baccall!”

[to the tune of “Big Spender”]

Linda Richman: “The minute he walks on the screen,
I could tell Bill Macy would get an Oscar,
Not Paul Fargo!
Hey, Bill Macy!
You… were also great on Marge!”

Stephanie: He was the best.

[to the tune of “Old MacDonald”]

Stephanie: “Frances McDormand made a film,
It’s called Fargo and she was great,

[to the tune of “Papa Can You Hear Me”]

Linda Richman: “Tom Cruise, can you hear me?
Tom Cruise, can you see me?
Tom Cruise, can you hear them call your name?”

[to the tune of “One”]

Stephanie: “That… movie about the pianist,
Really made me cry and laugh!”

Linda Richman: “I… wasn’t even grossed out,
When he took a crap in the bath!”

Both: “Oy vey, this movie is so fine,
And we even saw it online!
And the winner is Stahl!”

Linda Richman: Okay, that’s all the time we have! I’m Linda Richman! This is my cousin Steffy!

Thanks to Mike S. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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