Bridget West…..Molly Shannon
Bill Forrest…..Mark McKinney
“Skunk” Merrill…..Tim Meadows
Patty Fisher…..Ana Gasteyer
Joe Fisher…..Mike Myers
[ open on title graphic; dissolve to hostess Bridget West, a young woman with gray in her hair ]
Bridget West: Hi! I’m Bridget West, and welcome to “Prematurely Gray”, the show that celebrates being prematurely gray. My first guest today is Bill Forrest. He’s a science teacher from Denver, Colorado. Hi, Bill!
Bill Forrest: [ with full gray hair, looks especially dignified ] Hi, Bridget!
Bridget West: [ giggles ] Now, I see that you have a beautiful head of white hair there, Bill. May I ask you, how old are you?
Bill Forrest: I’m 28 years old.
Bridget West: Wow! A spring chicken. And, when did you start going gray?
Bill Forrest: Well, I started going gray when I was fourteen. My hair was completely white by the time I went to college.
Bridget West: And what do you think are some of the benefits of going completely gray?
Bill Forrest: Well.. I’m a teacher.. so I like the respect I get from the kids, because they think I’m older, it sort of gives me an instant air of authority! Uh..
Bridget West: It sounds like going prematurely gray has been a positive thing for you, then?
Bill Forrest: Well, it hasn’t all been great. I got teased a lot in school. They’d call me Peter Gray-ves, or ask me if I was a member of the band The Bleach Boys. [ chuckles ]
Bridget West: Aw, that must have hurt..
Bill Forrest: Not really. I’d just say, “Obviously, I’m not Peter Graves, I wish I had his talent..” and.. at the time, I actually was in a band called The Bleach Boys. It was made up of kids who were all prematurely gray; we sang standards! [ laughs ]
Bridget West: Thank you for being here, Bill! Okay, my next guest is “Skunk” Merrill. He’s a pastry chef from Atlanta Georgia! Hi, “Skunk”!
“Skunk” Merrill: [ has black hair, except for a gray stripe down the middle ] Hi, Bridget! Hey, uh, you wanna guess why I got the nickname “Skunk”? [ laughs ]
Bridget West: [ laughing ] “Skunk”, when did you go prematurely gray?
“Skunk” Merrill: Well, I think I was about seventeen when I noticed some salt in my pepper. I-I never minded it, ’cause, you know, the ladies say, uh.. “Snow on the roof, fire in the oven!” [ laughs ]
Bridget West: [ laughing ] I would hope that the men say that, too!
“Skunk” Merrill: [ laughing ]
Bridget West: [ laughing ]
“Skunk” Merrill: No, we really don’t.
Bridget West: Now, “Skunk”, are there any downsides to going gray so young?
“Skunk” Merrill: Well, I’ll tell you – the only thing that really grates my onion is when I’m decorating a cake, and people will say, “Hey, “Skunk”! You got frosting in your hair!” You know? And I know they’re referring to my stripe, and I’ll tell you, that irritates the crap out of me.
Bridget West: So, bing different isn’t always fun? Okay, my next guests are a prematurely gray husband and wife from La Salle, Illinois. Please welcome Joe and Patty Fisher.
[ Joe and Patty have the same shade of gray hair, and shake nervously in their seats, as though they’d prefer not to be on the show this evening ]
Patty Fisher: Hi there..
Joe Fisher: Hi.. hi..
Bridget West: Now, I just cannot get over this. You are both 31 years old, and you are both prematurely gray. Is it a coincidence, or were you attracted to each other’s gorgeous white locks?
Joe Fisher: [ hesitant ] Neither of us were gray when we got married..
Bridget West: Huh. That’s so odd. So, which one of you went gray first?
Joe Fisher: We both did, at the same time..
Patty Fisher: On the same night..
Bridget West: [ excited ] Well, what a match made in heaven!
Joe Fisher: We both survived a terrible plane crash in 1991. There were only a few survivors.
Patty Fisher: The plane lost power, and we plummeted in total darkness for four minutes, before crashing into a retention pond.
Bridget West: [ quickly ] Okay, let’s get back to your hair.. Um.. what would you say are some of the bad aspects of being gray?
Joe Fisher: Well, I’d have to say that.. being gray is a constant horrifying reminder of the worst moment of our lives..
Patty Fisher: It haunts me every agonizing minute of the day..
Bridget West: Yeah, but don’t you also think that young people with gray hair look sort of sexy, in a way?
Joe Fisher: Well, ever since the crash.. my wife and I have not been interested in anything in the sex department..
Bridget West: Well, I think you’re both knockouts – what do you think, “Skunk”?
“Skunk” Merrill: [ getting excited ] Yeah! I think they’re both pretty sexy! But, then again, I’m a dirty little dog! [ laughs ]
Bridget West: [ laughing ] I thought you were a skunk!
“Skunk” Merrill: [ laughing harder ]
Bill Forrest: You know, I’d just like to say: I wish my wife had gone gray with me, it would have given us something to talk about, you know? [ hitting a revelation ] Hey! Maybe I should book her a flight! [ laughs ]
Bridget West: [ seductively ] I think that prematurely gray people tend to be very competent and witty, too.
Bill Forrest: [ touched ] Ooh.. why, thank you, Bridget!
Bridget West: Mmm..
Joe Fisher: [ suddenly ] May we go? I don’t feel well..
Patty Fisher: [ shaking ] The lights are scaring me..
Bridget West: Just.. just one last question: What do you like best about being prematurely gray?
Patty Fisher: Nothing..
Joe Fisher: Not one blessed thing..
Bridget West: Boy, are you two downers.. Now, most prematurely gray people are funloving, very positive individuals. You’re giving us a bad name.
“Skunk” Merrill: [ eyeballing Patty coyly ] You know, you’re a cutie, though! [ laughs ]
Joe Fisher: [ gives “Skunk” the evil eye ]
“Skunk” Merrill: [ holds up his hands and backs off ] O-kay! Okay! [ laughs ] “Skunk”‘s gonna shut his little dirty dog trap now! [ laughs ]
Bridget West: Alright. Thank you for joining us on “Prematurely Gray”. Check out our website at phildonahue.com. I’m Bridget West. Good night!