Prematurely Gray


Prematurely Gray

Bridget West…..Molly Shannon
Bill Forrest…..Mark McKinney
“Skunk” Merrill…..Tim Meadows
Patty Fisher…..Ana Gasteyer
Joe Fisher…..Mike Myers

[ open on title graphic; dissolve to hostess Bridget West, a young woman with gray in her hair ]

Bridget West: Hi! I’m Bridget West, and welcome to “Prematurely Gray”, the show that celebrates being prematurely gray. My first guest today is Bill Forrest. He’s a science teacher from Denver, Colorado. Hi, Bill!

Bill Forrest: [ with full gray hair, looks especially dignified ] Hi, Bridget!

Bridget West: [ giggles ] Now, I see that you have a beautiful head of white hair there, Bill. May I ask you, how old are you?

Bill Forrest: I’m 28 years old.

Bridget West: Wow! A spring chicken. And, when did you start going gray?

Bill Forrest: Well, I started going gray when I was fourteen. My hair was completely white by the time I went to college.

Bridget West: And what do you think are some of the benefits of going completely gray?

Bill Forrest: Well.. I’m a teacher.. so I like the respect I get from the kids, because they think I’m older, it sort of gives me an instant air of authority! Uh..

Bridget West: It sounds like going prematurely gray has been a positive thing for you, then?

Bill Forrest: Well, it hasn’t all been great. I got teased a lot in school. They’d call me Peter Gray-ves, or ask me if I was a member of the band The Bleach Boys. [ chuckles ]

Bridget West: Aw, that must have hurt..

Bill Forrest: Not really. I’d just say, “Obviously, I’m not Peter Graves, I wish I had his talent..” and.. at the time, I actually was in a band called The Bleach Boys. It was made up of kids who were all prematurely gray; we sang standards! [ laughs ]

Bridget West: Thank you for being here, Bill! Okay, my next guest is “Skunk” Merrill. He’s a pastry chef from Atlanta Georgia! Hi, “Skunk”!

“Skunk” Merrill: [ has black hair, except for a gray stripe down the middle ] Hi, Bridget! Hey, uh, you wanna guess why I got the nickname “Skunk”? [ laughs ]

Bridget West: [ laughing ] “Skunk”, when did you go prematurely gray?

“Skunk” Merrill: Well, I think I was about seventeen when I noticed some salt in my pepper. I-I never minded it, ’cause, you know, the ladies say, uh.. “Snow on the roof, fire in the oven!” [ laughs ]

Bridget West: [ laughing ] I would hope that the men say that, too!

“Skunk” Merrill: [ laughing ]

Bridget West: [ laughing ]

“Skunk” Merrill: No, we really don’t.

Bridget West: Now, “Skunk”, are there any downsides to going gray so young?

“Skunk” Merrill: Well, I’ll tell you – the only thing that really grates my onion is when I’m decorating a cake, and people will say, “Hey, “Skunk”! You got frosting in your hair!” You know? And I know they’re referring to my stripe, and I’ll tell you, that irritates the crap out of me.

Bridget West: So, bing different isn’t always fun? Okay, my next guests are a prematurely gray husband and wife from La Salle, Illinois. Please welcome Joe and Patty Fisher.

[ Joe and Patty have the same shade of gray hair, and shake nervously in their seats, as though they’d prefer not to be on the show this evening ]

Patty Fisher: Hi there..

Joe Fisher: Hi.. hi..

Bridget West: Now, I just cannot get over this. You are both 31 years old, and you are both prematurely gray. Is it a coincidence, or were you attracted to each other’s gorgeous white locks?

Joe Fisher: [ hesitant ] Neither of us were gray when we got married..

Bridget West: Huh. That’s so odd. So, which one of you went gray first?

Joe Fisher: We both did, at the same time..

Patty Fisher: On the same night..

Bridget West: [ excited ] Well, what a match made in heaven!

Joe Fisher: We both survived a terrible plane crash in 1991. There were only a few survivors.

Patty Fisher: The plane lost power, and we plummeted in total darkness for four minutes, before crashing into a retention pond.

Bridget West: [ quickly ] Okay, let’s get back to your hair.. Um.. what would you say are some of the bad aspects of being gray?

Joe Fisher: Well, I’d have to say that.. being gray is a constant horrifying reminder of the worst moment of our lives..

Patty Fisher: It haunts me every agonizing minute of the day..

Bridget West: Yeah, but don’t you also think that young people with gray hair look sort of sexy, in a way?

Joe Fisher: Well, ever since the crash.. my wife and I have not been interested in anything in the sex department..

Bridget West: Well, I think you’re both knockouts – what do you think, “Skunk”?

“Skunk” Merrill: [ getting excited ] Yeah! I think they’re both pretty sexy! But, then again, I’m a dirty little dog! [ laughs ]

Bridget West: [ laughing ] I thought you were a skunk!

“Skunk” Merrill: [ laughing harder ]

Bill Forrest: You know, I’d just like to say: I wish my wife had gone gray with me, it would have given us something to talk about, you know? [ hitting a revelation ] Hey! Maybe I should book her a flight! [ laughs ]

Bridget West: [ seductively ] I think that prematurely gray people tend to be very competent and witty, too.

Bill Forrest: [ touched ] Ooh.. why, thank you, Bridget!

Bridget West: Mmm..

Joe Fisher: [ suddenly ] May we go? I don’t feel well..

Patty Fisher: [ shaking ] The lights are scaring me..

Bridget West: Just.. just one last question: What do you like best about being prematurely gray?

Patty Fisher: Nothing..

Joe Fisher: Not one blessed thing..

Bridget West: Boy, are you two downers.. Now, most prematurely gray people are funloving, very positive individuals. You’re giving us a bad name.

“Skunk” Merrill: [ eyeballing Patty coyly ] You know, you’re a cutie, though! [ laughs ]

Joe Fisher: [ gives “Skunk” the evil eye ]

“Skunk” Merrill: [ holds up his hands and backs off ] O-kay! Okay! [ laughs ] “Skunk”‘s gonna shut his little dirty dog trap now! [ laughs ]

Bridget West: Alright. Thank you for joining us on “Prematurely Gray”. Check out our website at I’m Bridget West. Good night!

[fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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