SNL Transcripts: Mike Myers’ Monologue

Mike Myers’ Monologue

…..Mike Myers
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Lorne Michaels

Mike Myers: Thank you. Please stop. It’s great to be back. When I left the show, I took a little time out. Spent time with my family, made a movie called “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery”, which opens May 2nd. And when I was making Austin Powers – which opens May 2nd – Lorne said, “When you’re done, why don’t you come back and host the show?” And I thought, “Host? Me? No.” See, it was a dream of mine to be on the show since I was a kid. And I had the fortune of spending six unbelievable years here. But I thought I’d never host. Nah. Then I thought, “Wait. A lot of former cast members have come back to host. Chevy. Dan. Bill Murray. And now: me!”

[ Tracy Morgan, Cheri Oteri, Chris Kattan, Will Ferrell, Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon surround Mike ] [ singing ]“I can’t believe I’m up here now.
I’m doing the monologue.
My head is reeling,
I’m in a fog..”

[ stops singing ]

Hold on, something’s wrong. Molly, why are you so down?

Molly Shannon: My Fortune Teller sketch got cut tonight.

Mike Myers: That’s right. Some sketches get cut after dress rehearsal.

Molly: Yeah, now I’m barely going to be in the show!

Mike: Well, gosh.. if anyone knows how that feels, it sure is me.

[ singing ]“See, I was like
you guys, too.”
Cast: [ singing ]“We’re in the cast from week to week
Hoping for a chance to speak.”

Mike Myers: [ singing ]But now I’m in..”

Come on, guys! [ jumps off the stage ]

“..the entire show.
They can’t take that away from me.
I’m the host; I got to be!”

Cast: “Now you know what total bliss is like!”

: “It’s hosting, it’s hosting, yeah!”

Cast: “You look like a completely different Mike!”

Mike Myers: “It’s from hosting, from hosting, yeah!”[ stops singing when he runs across Lorne Michaels administering the caning of Norm MacDonald in a back hallway ]

Lorne Michaels: ..52…53..

Mike Myers: Hey Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: Mike, you look great! Can I get you a beverage?

Mike Myers: Norm, what’s going on?

Norm MacDonald: Bad dress rehearsal.

Mike Myers: That’s right.. I completely forgot about that. Move over, Norm. My turn.

Lorne Michaels: Mike, what are you doing?

Mike Mysers: Well, I kind of screwed up that line in “Fortune Teller”, and..

Lorne Michaels: Mike, Mike. You’re the host now.

Mike Mysers: [ singing ]“I love to host..”

Excuse Me, Lorne.

“Excuse my boast.
I used to work it just like you,
Now I’m hosting, someday you could, too.”

Darrell Hammond: You mean someday, when I leave the show, I could be asked to host?

Mike Myers: That’s right, Darrell! And none of your sketches will be cut!

[ Darrell is impressed ]

Mark McKinney: You mean, I could host?

Mike Myers: Sure, you could host, Mark!

Jim Breuer: Even me, Mike!

Mike Myers: Yes, even you Jim. [ walks on, spots Tim Meadows standing around ] Tim! Tim Meadows! Wow, thanks for coming by to
support me!
Tim Meadows: Uh, actually, Mike, I’m still in the cast.

Mike Myers: What? You mean you didn’t leave with Farley and Spade?

Tim Meadows: No.

Mike Myers: Well, I’m sure you’ll host.. Yeah, I’m sure you’ll host.. bye! [ rushes off ]

Tim Meadows: [ singing ]“Who am I anyway?
Why are contracts so incredibly hard to break?
Oh, I could be out in L.A.!
Why did I sign
A thirty-year contract?
That’s such a long time.
I see that nowwwww..”

[ cut to Mike and the remaining cast back at Home Base ]

Mike Myers: [ singing ]“So tonight’s the night.
I’m high as a kite!
I can’t explain what this is like,
A life-long dream of a Canuck named Mike!”

Cast: “Now you know what total bliss is like!”

Mike Myers: “It’s hosting, It’s hosting, yeah!”

Cast: You look like a completely different Mike!”

Mike Myers: “I’m hosting, I’m hosting, yeah!”

Cast: “Laa laa laa laa,
laa laa laa laa laa!”

[ Mike tap dances ]

“Laa laa laa laa,
laa laa laa laa laa!”

Mike Myers: [ pulled high by wires ]

“Look at me! Way up high!
Way up here, in the sky!”

Cast: “Look at him! Way up high!
Way up there, in the sky!”

Mike Myers: I’m hosting!

Cast: “Hosting!”

Mike Myers: Hosting! I’m hosting!

Thanks to Michael Cauley of SNL Song Transcriptsfor this transcript.

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