SNL Transcripts: Mike Myers’ Monologue


Mike Myers’ Monologue

…..Mike Myers
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Lorne Michaels

Mike Myers: Thank you. Please stop. It’s great to be back. When I left the show, I took a little time out. Spent time with my family, made a movie called “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery”, which opens May 2nd. And when I was making Austin Powers – which opens May 2nd – Lorne said, “When you’re done, why don’t you come back and host the show?” And I thought, “Host? Me? No.” See, it was a dream of mine to be on the show since I was a kid. And I had the fortune of spending six unbelievable years here. But I thought I’d never host. Nah. Then I thought, “Wait. A lot of former cast members have come back to host. Chevy. Dan. Bill Murray. And now: me!”

[ Tracy Morgan, Cheri Oteri, Chris Kattan, Will Ferrell, Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon surround Mike ] [ singing ]“I can’t believe I’m up here now.
I’m doing the monologue.
My head is reeling,
I’m in a fog..”

[ stops singing ]

Hold on, something’s wrong. Molly, why are you so down?

Molly Shannon: My Fortune Teller sketch got cut tonight.

Mike Myers: That’s right. Some sketches get cut after dress rehearsal.

Molly: Yeah, now I’m barely going to be in the show!

Mike: Well, gosh.. if anyone knows how that feels, it sure is me.

[ singing ]“See, I was like
you guys, too.”
Cast: [ singing ]“We’re in the cast from week to week
Hoping for a chance to speak.”

Mike Myers: [ singing ]But now I’m in..”

Come on, guys! [ jumps off the stage ]

“..the entire show.
They can’t take that away from me.
I’m the host; I got to be!”

Cast: “Now you know what total bliss is like!”

: “It’s hosting, it’s hosting, yeah!”

Cast: “You look like a completely different Mike!”

Mike Myers: “It’s from hosting, from hosting, yeah!”[ stops singing when he runs across Lorne Michaels administering the caning of Norm MacDonald in a back hallway ]

Lorne Michaels: ..52…53..

Mike Myers: Hey Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: Mike, you look great! Can I get you a beverage?

Mike Myers: Norm, what’s going on?

Norm MacDonald: Bad dress rehearsal.

Mike Myers: That’s right.. I completely forgot about that. Move over, Norm. My turn.

Lorne Michaels: Mike, what are you doing?

Mike Mysers: Well, I kind of screwed up that line in “Fortune Teller”, and..

Lorne Michaels: Mike, Mike. You’re the host now.

Mike Mysers: [ singing ]“I love to host..”

Excuse Me, Lorne.

“Excuse my boast.
I used to work it just like you,
Now I’m hosting, someday you could, too.”

Darrell Hammond: You mean someday, when I leave the show, I could be asked to host?

Mike Myers: That’s right, Darrell! And none of your sketches will be cut!

[ Darrell is impressed ]

Mark McKinney: You mean, I could host?

Mike Myers: Sure, you could host, Mark!

Jim Breuer: Even me, Mike!

Mike Myers: Yes, even you Jim. [ walks on, spots Tim Meadows standing around ] Tim! Tim Meadows! Wow, thanks for coming by to
support me!
Tim Meadows: Uh, actually, Mike, I’m still in the cast.

Mike Myers: What? You mean you didn’t leave with Farley and Spade?

Tim Meadows: No.

Mike Myers: Well, I’m sure you’ll host.. Yeah, I’m sure you’ll host.. bye! [ rushes off ]

Tim Meadows: [ singing ]“Who am I anyway?
Why are contracts so incredibly hard to break?
Oh, I could be out in L.A.!
Why did I sign
A thirty-year contract?
That’s such a long time.
I see that nowwwww..”

[ cut to Mike and the remaining cast back at Home Base ]

Mike Myers: [ singing ]“So tonight’s the night.
I’m high as a kite!
I can’t explain what this is like,
A life-long dream of a Canuck named Mike!”

Cast: “Now you know what total bliss is like!”

Mike Myers: “It’s hosting, It’s hosting, yeah!”

Cast: You look like a completely different Mike!”

Mike Myers: “I’m hosting, I’m hosting, yeah!”

Cast: “Laa laa laa laa,
laa laa laa laa laa!”

[ Mike tap dances ]

“Laa laa laa laa,
laa laa laa laa laa!”

Mike Myers: [ pulled high by wires ]

“Look at me! Way up high!
Way up here, in the sky!”

Cast: “Look at him! Way up high!
Way up there, in the sky!”

Mike Myers: I’m hosting!

Cast: “Hosting!”

Mike Myers: Hosting! I’m hosting!

Thanks to Michael Cauley of SNL Song Transcriptsfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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