Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly
Andy Gray…..Mike Myers
Ian Daglers…..Mark McKinney
Kevin McCracker…..Jim Breuer
[ open on ESPN2 graphic ]
Announcer: You’re watching ESPN2 – The Deuce! Coming up later on The Deuce: Senior Women’s Beach Lacrosse, from Sandusky, Ohio. But, right now, stay tuned for Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly.
[ dissolve to random scenes of soccer hooliganism ]
Voiceover Jingle: “Scottish! Soccer! Hooligan! Weekly!”
[ product graphics appear as they are mentioned ]
Andy Gray V/O: Brought to you by.. Doc Marten boots; stylish, and stronger than a dane’s head. Also brought to you by.. Bollock’s Weiners; you can’t have a weiner unless you have Bollock’s! Also, brought to you by.. Delta; we love to fly, and it shows.
[ dissolve to Andy and Ian sittng behind table of their set ]
Andy Gray: Hello! And welcome to “Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly”! I’m your host, Andy Gray!
Ian Daglers: [ speaks haggardly throughout ] And I’m your other host, Ian Daglers! Hey!
Andy Gray: Ah, alright then, tonight’s topics are: “Effigies: Are They Worth The Effort?” Why not just get the real guy?!
Ian Daglers: Very good point!
Andy Gray: And, uh, “Braveheart”; what battle tactics could we learn from this cinematic masterpiece?
Ian Daglers: Hey!
Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get down to it, because I’m piss drunk, and I’m gonna be sick!
Ian Daglers: Why do ya suppose it is that, uh.. that soccer and pissing go so well together, hey?!
Andy Gray: Well, ah think the soccer piss actually acts as some sort of powerful gastric mag-a-net!
Ian Daglers: Hey! What?
Andy Gray: What do you mean, what?
Ian Daglers: I don’t know then, do I?
Andy Gray: Ah, piss off!
Ian Daglers: Hey, you piss off, you wee girl!
Andy Gray: [ a change of heart in his attitude ] Alright, don’t be like that.. give us a kiss, come on.. [ reaches his arms to Ian lovingly, then smashes his skull into Ian’s nose ]
Ian Daglers: Ow!! [ grabs hand to nose and lowers head, raises it back up to reveal a serious blood flow ] Oh.. oh.. oh, Christ, you broke my nose again, you wee bastard!!
Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get to our next topic, because I’m so bevy I’m gonna honk! And I’m gonna paint this room like an esophageal Jackson Pollock canvas! Which brings us to our next topic: Odd Items That I Found In My Vomit After Soccer Riots.
[ graphic ]
Andy Gray: Quiz me!
Ian Daglers: Right! Scotland vs. Spain, 1995!
Andy Gray: Ah, that’s easy! Buttons! I found buttons! [ reaches below desk, and drops a packet of buttons onto the counter ]
Ian Daglers: [ surprised ] Hey?
Andy Gray: Aye! A combination of sunstroke and a magnum of Bailey’s Irish Cream had caused me to go on a machete-wielding rampage through the local marts and Spencer’s.. where, according to a police report, I had eaten a plush toy!
Ian Daglers: Was it, a.. Paddington Bear toy, then?
Andy Gray: Aye, it was, actually.
Ian Daglers: How’d it taste?
Andy Gray: Ah, better than you’d think.
Ian Daglers: Hey! I’ve done that. Quiz me!
Andy Gray: Ah, alrighty.. Scotland vs. the Camaroons, 1989.
Ian Daglers: Oh.. oh, I do have a story, but, uh.. it came out my ass!
Andy Gray: [ offscreen ] Judges? [ acceptance bell rings ] Press on!
Ian Daglers: Okay.. uh, after the game, I extracted a piece of the comet Carhutex from my large intestines. Apparently, I had stumbled into the Geological Museum in Aberdeen, and somehow wound up with a piece of an infrequently-returning comet in my rectal chamber, hey!
Andy Gray: If I had a pound for every time that’s happened to me, Jimmy.. I’d have five pounds. Moving on, for those of you heading to the continent for the European Finals, let’s bring on our resident expert of the fighting styles of the various countries!
Ian Daglers: Yes! Please welcome Kevin McCracker!
[ theme music pots up, as Kevin McCracker enters studio to exorbitant enthusiasm from Andy and Ian ]
Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get to it, Kevin..
Ian Daglers: Let’s do it!
Andy Gray: We’ll tell you the country, if you give us the fighting style of said country, starting with Holland.
Kevin McCracker: Fifers.
Ian Daglers: France!
Kevin McCracker: Stompers.
Andy Gray: Belgium!
Kevin McCracker: Soft heads..
Ian Daglers: Uh.. Germany!
Kevin McCracker: That reminds me.. of a time that I ws taken with an old German man. I was talking to him, and he was walking his dog. Suddenly, he says to me.. “May the best.. team.. win..”
[ Andy and Ian slam their steins down, angry at the quote ]
Andy Gray: Bastard!
Ian Daglers: Yeah, he did!
Andy Gray: Bastard!
Ian Daglers: He did!
Kevin McCracker: So! I beat that Nazi bastard to death with his own Shih tzu!
Ian Daglers: [ confused ] A Shih tzu?!
Andy Gray: Ah, ah, ah.. you’d be surprised what you can do with a wee dog.
Ian Daglers: Aye..
Kevin McCracker: Hey, uh.. but if properly applied-
[ they all start talking uncomprehensibly at once ]
Kevin McCracker: But still, I’ve gotta say.. I like the Germans.. they’ve got hard heads!
Andy Gray: I totally agree. I still can’t get over what that retarded German chap did to Monica Seles – now that was first-rate hooliganism!
Ian Daglers: Oh, ya!
Kevin McCracker: That was great!
Andy Gray: Aye. We should really wrap this up. Alright.. join us this weekend, for the Scotland vs. Ireland match, where all professional hooligans will be rooting for..
[ Andy & Ian yell, “Scotland!” as Kevin simultaneously yells, “Ireland!” ]
Ian Daglers: What?!
Andy Gray: Did you say Ireland?
Kevin McCracker: Yeah, I said Ireland! I’m Irish!
Ian Daglers: [ dumbfounded ] Irish?! What are you doin’ on this show, you beady-eyed bastard! Hey!
Andy Gray: No, no, no, no.. come on, everyone’s welcome on this show.. Give us a kiss.. [ reaches his arms to Kevin lovingly, then raises his knee and smashes it into Kevin’s nose ]
[ vomit ]
Ian Daglers: Hey! Hey! How do you feel?
Andy Gray: Ahhh.. better out than in, I always say.
Ian Daglers: [ reaches into Andy’s vomit ] Hey, look! Look what you puked up!
Andy Gray: Ah, it’s my specs! That’s where they went! [ grabs the puke-soaked glasses, puts them on his face ]
Together: [ singing ] “I can see clearly now, my specs are back..!”
Andy Gray: Alright, look at the time.. that’s the end of the show. And I’m Andy Gray!
Ian Daglers: Amd I’m Ian Daglers! Hey!
Andy Gray: Piss off!
Ian Daglers: Hey! Piss off, now!
Andy Gray: [ reaches hand to mouth, worriedly ] Oh, it comes in twos.. it comes in twos..
[ Andy relieves a massive puking spree once more, as the theme music pots up and the title graphic appears on the screen ]
[ fade ]