Dieter…..Mike Myers
Helmut…..Will Ferrell

Announcer V/O: [ over scattered title graphics ] “Sprockets”. “Sprockets”. West German Television presents.. “Sprockets”. With your host, Dieter.

[ dissolve to the main “Sprockets” set, as Dieter steps out, dressed as usual in solid black, with slicked back hair in ponytail and glasses ]

Dieter: Velcome to “Sprockets”, I am your host Dieter. [ wild aplause from audience ] Thank you very much for your kind applause on my entrance. I always like a warm hand on my opening. Vell, it’s Oscar time, and I am as happy as a little girl! [ pulls nipple areas of his shirt to mime false boobies ] Ve here at “Sprockets” vould like to present our own alternative Academy Awards show. It is called.. The Insane Academy Awards.

V/O: [ with graphics ] The Insane Academy Awards! [ grueling scream ]

Dieter: Helping me tonight is fellow insane film enthusiast – and my luv-er – Helmut! Please welcome.. Helmut Vosh!

[ Helmut, a talll, lankish, manly-looking woman, enters the set, locking into a warm embrace with Dieter ]

Dieter: Stop. [ they separate ] Before I begin.. would you like to touch my monkey?

Helmut: I vill touch him!

Dieter: Touch him! Love him!

Helmut: [ rtouches the monkey’s paw ] There, I did it.

Dieter: Now.. was that so hard? Sit! Helmut sits ] How do you answer the rumors that you are a sily bitch?!

Helmut: [ a pause ] I embrace them.

Dieter: Right! Let us get on to this year’s Insane Academy Awards! Helmut, would you like to explain how we selected this year’s nominees?

Helmut: [ quickly ] No!

[ Dieter’s monkey begins to go out of control, making faces at him and Helmut, so Dieter makes his own monkey faces right back, laughing hysterically at their antics ]

Dieter: If you don’t comply, then no tossed salad for you, Missy!

Helmut: The nominees were randomly selected for no good reason. The names came to us from the part of the brain that exists in the nether region between sleep and terror.

Dieter: Very well! The Insane Academy nominees are: [ each cast nominee is accompanied by a doctored photo of the fake actor in the fake motion picture production ] Best Supporting Actor in a Drama: Mason Reese, “A Few Good Men”.

Helmut: I guess he couldn’t handle ze truth?

Dieter: Or the morgashbord. Gavin McLeod, in “Sounder”.

Helmut: Captain Stubing never had it so good.

Dieter: And, finally, Martha Raye in “Network”. “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to clean my dentures any more.”

Helmut: And! The vinner is:

Dieter: A bag of woodchips in “The China Syndrome”! [ they clap ] Now, let’s move on to the ladies.

Helmut: Best Supporting Actress in a Drama or Training Film: Kay Lenz, “Gandhi”.

Dieter: Karen Valentine, “Jumanji”.

Helmut: And I’ll have Charlie Weaver to block.

Dieter: And the vinner is: Dan Rather, “Big”! [ they clap ] Best Shegro in a Musical: Rae Dawn Chong, “The Music Man”.

Helmut: Peter Ustinov, “Bye Bye Birdie”.

Dieter: And Denzel Washington in “Yentl”. And the vinner is.. ah! We have a tie! George Jetson for “My Left Foot”, and The Fonz for “Tora! Tora! Tora!” Sit on it, Potsie!

Helmut: Now, moving on.. Best Treatable Disease in a Drama or Travelogue:

Dieter: Crohn’s Disease, “Midnight Cowboy”!

Helmut: Scoliosis, “Moonstruck”.

Dieter: Your categories have become tiresome! Now is the time on “Sprockets” vhen ve dance!

[ the Sprocket dancers enter set and begin to dance rhythmically to the “Sprockets” theme ]

Dieter: That’s all the time we have on “Sprockets”! My guest has been my luv-er, Helmut. [ Dieter stands next to the monstruously tall Helmut, raising his head as Helmut lowers hers, so that their heads touch ] My name is Dieter. Auf wierdersen!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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