Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
Dominican Lou … Tracy Morgan
Bill Clinton … Darrell Hammond
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonaldand now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Late this week, President Clinton and RussianPresident Boris Yeltsin met in Helsinki to discuss thesensitive topic of NATO expansion. For his part,Yeltsin stood firm, saying he must do what is rightfor Russia, while Clinton also stood firm, saying hemust do what is right for China.
On Thursday, in a stunning admission, the LiggettGroup, makers of Chesterfield, Lark, and L&Mcigarettes acknowledged publicly that their cigarettesare addictive and do cause cancer. Hours later, thefour other major tobacco makers Reynolds, PhilipMorris, Lorillard, and Brown and Williamson issued ajoint statement saying quote, “Today’s announcementcomes as no surprise. Everyone knows Liggettcigarettes cause cancer.”
Also this week, a California newspaper revealed thatO.J. Simpson was awarded custody of his childrenmainly because a court-ordered psychological testshowed that he is a loving father. It should be noted,however, that the same test also showed that he was aloving husband. [applause]
Following the surprise withdrawal of his nomineeAnthony Lake, President Clinton has chosen acting CIAdirector George Tenant to head up the agency. Now allhe needs is the approval of the House, the Senate, andthis Chinese guy. [Photo of elderly bespectacled Asianman]
In Washington this week, the Supreme court is havingarguments on whether or not pornography should bebanned from the Internet. According to veteran courtwatchers, eight Justices are leaning toward a ban,with one against. [Norm strokes his chin thoughtfully]Gee, I wonder which one would be against … [Photo ofJustice Clarence Thomas] … a ban on pornography? Letme – Let me see now, there’s … Nah, it wouldn’t behim–
Meanwhile, at the University of Nebraska, computerscientists have developed a version of the Internetthat is up to one hundred times faster than thecurrent system. According to analysts, those using thenew system to log on to America Online will now bedisconnected in three one thousandths of a second.[mild reaction and then some applause] … You everget on a computer? You know anything aboutthem?
In Congress, members of the House Women’s Caucus sayprosecution of sex offenders must be the Army’s toppriority, despite concerns of racial insensitivity onthe part of investigators, which would be the secondpriority. Then, I guess, the Army’s third prioritywould be — defending the nation. …[applause] … You know? That’d be third.
Well, this coming Monday is Oscar night and threefilms, “The English Patient,” “Secrets and Lies” and”Shine” are locked in a tight race in the category:”Best picture there’s not a chance in hell I will eversee.” … No interest at all in seein’ those.
Norm MacDonald: And, now, here with his reviewof the Oscar-nominated movies is the maintenance manat 1410 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our old friend,Dominican Lou. Hi, Dominican Lou. [cheers and applauseas we pan over to Dominican Lou, a cheery, mustachioedman with a thick Dominican accent, who smiles andwaves]
Dominican Lou: Gracias, gracias. Thank you,Norm. Thank – thank you for having me on and puttingme here on the show.
Norm MacDonald: Sure.
Dominican Lou: I love to watch the program. Ilove to watch the movies. The “Sling Blade,” the”Eddie Maguire,” and “The English Pages.” … It -It’s a good movie. A lot of people, they enjoy thismovie. They love to see it. They love to see the TomCruise. It’s very good for them.
Norm MacDonald: Uh huh.
Dominican Lou: They like it.
Norm MacDonald: What was your favorite part ofthe movie?
Dominican Lou: I don’t know. I didn’t see it…. I have no time. I’m working all the time, youknow? But I hear it’s a good movie. Is good movie.People in the building, they talking about it a lot.They love the movie. They like to see the movie. Allthe time. They talking about it.
Norm MacDonald: Oh … well, well, that’sgreat. Great. So they liked it, huh?
Dominican Lou: They did not see it yet. …They just talking about it. They was going to see it.It’s very good. My friends. Maybe they get to see themovie and have a good time. They have a nice time.They say they want to see the movie. I don’t go. Iworking all the time. … I – I too busy. I do cleanthe building. Besides, I don’t watch the movie. I – Ilike-a the TV better.
Norm MacDonald: Okay. Well, uh… Hey, what areyour favorite TV shows?
Dominican Lou: I like-a the reruns thebest.
Norm MacDonald: Oh? Oh, what reruns do youlike?
Dominican Lou: It doesn’t matter. As long asit’s reruns.
Norm MacDonald: Well, why would you like thereruns the best?
Dominican Lou: Because then I – I can alreadysay I can already see it and I turn it off and I goback to work.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, okay. Dominican Lou,everybody! [cheers and applause as Lou waves goodbye,Norm shakes his hand] Yeah! Good job. Yeah. [Louexits]
A person who suffers two sharp, powerful blows to thehead within a short period of time can suffer braindamage or even die. This according to a new study inthe medical journal “DUH.” … [cheers andapplause]
This week, a London tabloid published the firstexclusive pictures of Michael Jackson’s baby, secretlytaken by a guest at the King of Pop’s Neverland Ranch.Upon seeing the pictures, Michael said, “This is notmy baby,” then quickly added, “I’m not saying he isn’thot, he’s hot, it’s just not my kid.” … [mixedreaction from crowd, Norm elaborates frantically] “I’mnot saying– He’s a – he’s a very sexy infant, it’sjust not mine.” … “I would love to have sex withhim, he’s just not my child is all I’m saying.”[Norm’s efforts draw a smattering of applause]
This week, pilot Linda Finch marked the sixty yearanniversary of Amelia Earhart’s attempt to fly aroundthe world, by setting out on her own round-the-worldflight. Finch took off on Monday from the sameOakland, California airfield as Earhart, and hopes toreach Europe by next Wednesday. By Sunday evening, ifall goes well, she plans to have mysteriouslydisappeared forever.
In music news, Dr. Jack Kevorkian has performed andrecorded a one-hour CD of his own jazz compositionsfor the flute. You know, Dr. Kevorkian, I’ve, uh, I’velistened to your CD and I’ve got some advice: Don’tquit your day job. All right? You know, murdering oldpeople. Stick with that. Stay away from the flute andstick with the, uh, the murdering old people. Just myadvice.
A report by Assistant Treasury Secretary Jim Johnsonshows that the arrest rate for church arsons is morethan twice the national average for arsons in general.[grows thoughtful, pulls his portable tape recorderfrom his pocket, activates it and speaks into it] Noteto self: Start setting fire to something other thanchurches. … If you can– [shuts off recorder,pockets it, mild applause]
Earlier today, the biggest auction ever of Beatlesmemorabilia took place in Tokyo. Among theone-of-a-kind items on the block were Paul McCartney’sbirth certificate, a white Mercedes-Benz owned by JohnLennon and, rarest of all, a photo of George Harrisonnot looking haggard. … Have you ever seen one? Whenyou think about it?
And the British Sunday Times is reporting that Belgiandoctors have accidentally cloned a human being. Thehuman being? You guessed it — Frank Stallone.[Doctored photo of two Frank Stallones]
Well, Reader’s Digest has released its 1997 list ofthe best and worst places to raise a family in theUnited States. The best place? Sheboygan, Wisconsin.While the worst place in America to raise a family:the Neverland Ranch. [cheers and applause]
Norm MacDonald: “Absolute Power” — ClintEastwood’s film of murder and political corruption –continues its strong showing at the box office. Here,with his review, is Update movie critic and 42ndPresident of the United States, Bill Clinton! [cheersand applause]
Bill Clinton: Thank you and God bless youall… Norm, director Clint Eastwood’s latest filmopens promisingly enough. The President of the UnitedStates, played by Gene Hackman, is having a rendezvouswith his mistress at the home of her wealthy husband.So far, so good. [nods and grins] … But, suddenly,everything goes to hell for the two lovers andfor us the audience. Hearing the sounds of rough sexand believing the President to be in danger, SecretService agents burst in, shooting the President’smistress dead. I almost walked out right then… I’msorry I didn’t, Norm, because this movie is one big,steaming piece of pony loaf… I did not like thismovie.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, whoa-whoa, Mr. President.It couldn’t have been that bad.
Bill Clinton: Oh, come on, Norm. It wasthat bad. And what drives me crazy is here you got allthe makings of a great motion picture. You got thePresident of the United States. And an attractiveyoung mistress. And what do they do in the first fif–five minutes? They kill her off! They kill off themistress! Why do that? [lowers voice to a whisper]Why?
Norm MacDonald: Well…
Bill Clinton: [whispers] Why?
Norm MacDonald: Well, what should they havedone–?
Bill Clinton: [whispers] Why?
Norm MacDonald: What should they have donedifferently, Mr. President?
Bill Clinton: Norm, it seems to me, if I weremaking a film about a murder and cover-up at thehighest levels of government, you’d choose a morecompelling victim than the President’smistress.
Norm MacDonald: Like – like who?
Bill Clinton: The President wife! … To me,that’s obviously the way to go. And they blew it.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Bill Clinton: They blew it.
Norm MacDonald: I see what you mean, Mr.President. Yeah, the First Lady, you know, her beingmurdered would be a bigger deal, wouldn’t it?
Bill Clinton: Exactly. If the President’smistress disappeared, who would know? But if the FirstLady were suddenly to vanish, how would the Presidentexplain it? And would the public buy his explanation?If not, what kind of explanation for his wife’sdisappearance would they buy? … Haven’t youever wondered about these things? … Don’t you everthink about stuff like that? [applause]
Norm MacDonald: I guess you’re right. I – I cansee – I can see the possibilities.
Bill Clinton: Aw, come on, it’s obvious toanyone. The First Lady murdered! There’s yourmovie! … But, unfortunately, screenwriter WilliamGoldman would rather kill off a beautiful youngmistress whose only crime was liking roughsex.
Norm MacDonald: Oh! Come on! … Mr. President,come on.
Bill Clinton: Mr. Goldman, if you’re out therewatching, you should be shot … and your body draggedto a park to make it look like a suicide.
Norm MacDonald: Oh-ho! Come on, now… Come on.Come on. Easy there, Mr. President. I think you’rebeing a little rough on Mr. Goldman there.
Bill Clinton: Well, uh, well, you didn’t seethis movie, Norm. It was El Stinko. In fact, on ascale of one to ten, I give this gobbler a one. [Cutbriefly to graphic of the Seal of the President of theUnited States with superimposed flashing numeral “1”and horn sound effect]
Norm MacDonald: Okay. Oh, there we go.
Bill Clinton: Yes, sir.
Norm MacDonald: All right, Mr. President, youmade your point. You didn’t like the movie. Anyway,hey, we’re all wondering, how’s the – how’s the kneedoin’? Is it giving you any pain?
Bill Clinton: Oh, not as much as sittin’through “Absolute Power,” Norm. I mean, itreeked.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, I know, you don’t likeit. Okay.
Bill Clinton: I didn’t like this movie.
Norm MacDonald: Okay, fair enough. ThePresident of the United States, everybody! [cheers andapplause]
Bill Clinton: I did not like this movie.[starts to exit]
Norm MacDonald: Danny Wilson, 17th floor! Goodnight, everybody![Norm waves and takes the microphone off his necktie.Applause. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]