Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 17
Food, Sex, or Cars?!
Jim Oliver…..Rob Lowe
Kyle Richards…..Will Ferrell
Brad Robert…..Jim Breuer
Announcer: Which would you rather have: a lobster dinner, CindyCrawford, or a brand new Porsche?
Audience: The Porsche!!
Announcer: That’s correct! And that how you play.. “Food, Sex, or Cars?!” And now, here’s your host: Ji-i-im Oliver!
Jim Oliver: [ rushes out ] Hello, and welcome! It’s time once againfor the game where you have to decide which is best – food, sex, orcars? Let’s meet our contestants! Kyle Richards is a fraternity brother atSouth Carolina College. [ Kyle runs out ] Good to have you here, Kyle.
Kyle Richards: TKE rules!
Jim Oliver: Yes, it does. Contestant #2: Brad Robert! [ Brad runsout ] Brad is from Deleware, where he is a Pop-a-Shot repeairman.
Brad Robert: It’s good to be here, Jim!
Jim Oliver: Okay. Well, let’s see how the game works. Three choiceswill appear on the Food, Sex, or Car board. The contestant must decide whichof the three is the most desirable: the food, the sex, or the car. And ifyou’re right, you get $100. For instance: [ game board spins ] ..a tacosalad, Kelly LeBrock, or a Jaguar. And the answer would be: Kelly LeBrock.Okay? Got it? Good! And, as always, all of our answers have beenpre-determined by a world-class thinktank of psychologists, physicists,crptiosimitists, and other really smart people. Okay, let’s start! Kyle,it’s your turn!
Kyle Richards: Alright! Whoo-hoo!!
Jim Oliver: Let’s go, Kyle! Your choices are: [ game board spins ]..potato skins, Connie Chung, and a Pontiac Bonneville. Which will it be:the food, the sex, or the car?
Kyle Richards: Oh, man.. that’s a sweet-ass Bonneville.. butConnie Chung is a honey..
Jim Oliver: Time is running out.
Kyle Richards: Then again, I never turn down some tasty potatoskins.. think! Think! I’m gonna have to say Connie Chung!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: That is correct!
Kyle Richards: Yeah!
Jim Oliver: You’re up $100. Brad, it’s your turn. Your choicesare: [ game board spins ] ..a hero, the blonde sister from Heart, or aFirebird.
Brad Robert: Ah, this is a tough one! Firebirds are cool.. but I’mgonna have to say.. a hero!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Right! We’ve got a barnburner here! tie game. Kyle,it’s your turn.. [ game board spins ] ..a cheese calzone, Carly Simon, anAstro van.
Kyle Richards: Ohh, this is hard! I can carry my hockey net in thatAstro van.. uh.. I love that song, “Anticipation”.. Is it Carly Simon?
[ wrong answer buzzer heard ]
Jim Oliver: Ohhhh.. the answer was Cheese Calzone. I’m sorry, Kyle.Brad, you’ve got a chance to grab the bull by the horn. Your choices are:[ game board spins ] ..pork dumplings, Sade, or a dune buggy.
Brad Robert: Definitely Sade!
[ wrong answer buzzer heard ]
Jim Oliver: No, I’m sorry. The answer was a Dune Buggy.
Brad Robert: [ aghast ] Oh, no way! Anybody would rather have Sadethan a dune buggy..
Jim Oliver: No, I’m sorry, Brad.. because even though Sade is veryexotic, you just can’t underestimate how cool it would be to jump over asand dune in a cool buggy! Ha ha ha! Let’s move on. Kyle: [ game boardspins ] ..garlic bread, Martha Stewart, or a Postal van.
Kyle Richards: [ thinking ] Oh! I know this one! Garlic Bread!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! Yes! Back to you, Brad: [ game board spins ] ..ahead of lettuce, Shirley Hemphill, or a ’79 Pinto.
Brad Robert: [ perplexed ] I.. have no idea.. uh.. a head oflettuce..?
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! Brad has the lead! Kyle: [ game board spins ] ..anorange circus peanut, Bea Arthur, or a Dodge Dart. Go!
Kyle Richards: [ stunned ] What?
Jim Oliver: Come on, please.. you must guess!
Kyle Richards: I don’t want to eat, have sex, or drive any of those things..
[ wrong answer buzzer heard ]
Jim Oliver: I’m sorry. Quick, Brad, you can grab this round!
Brad Robert: Well, I know it’s not Bea Arthur! Is it a..circus peanut?
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! Yes! Okay, the choices are coming fast now: [ game board spins ] ..a raw egg, Betty Ford, or the Beverly Hillbillies’ truck.
Kyle Richards: Oh.. this is hard.. Hillbillies’ truck!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! Yes! Yes! [ game board spins ] A can of beets, Estelle Getty, or a bobcat with a saddle on its back.
Brad Robert: Uh.. the beets!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! [ game board spins ] Army rations, Squeaky Fromme, or a boogieboard.
Kyle Richards: Boogieboard!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! Yes! [ game board spins ] A bucket of lard,She-Hulk, or the Hindenburg.
Brad Robert: She-Hulk!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! That is correct, and we have a winner! Brad, you walk away with $500! Well, that’s all the time we have for today.. so remember, no matter how noble and spiritual you think the human race is, all we really care about is.. Food, Sex, or Cars?! That’s right!
[ fade out ]
