SNL Transcripts: Rob Lowe: 04/12/97: TV Funhouse


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 17

96q: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

TV Funhouse

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: The X-Presidents!

[ show X-Presidents at golf tournament ]

Struck by a hurricane-powered dose of radiation while appearing at a celebrity golf tournament, our four former presidents are charged with powers and strengths, rendering them all the more extraordinary!

Gerald Ford! [ spins through a brick wall ]

Jimmy Carter! [ kicks giant ant ]

Ronald Reagan! [ throws fireball at terrorist with gun ]

George Bush! [ shoots bow and arrow to lasso an alien ]

Pitting their arsenal of phenomenal powers against Earthling and interplanetary foes alike, the fabulous foursome for right against might.


[ cut to exterior Brazilian mansion, Vice-President Al Gore in attendance with Brazilian government officials ]

Al Gore: This is a wonderful surprise, El Presidnete! I’m delighted that you want to host another environmental summit.

Brazilian Official: Si, vice-President Gore! In Brazil, we believe in preserving nature.

[ Gore steps in front of a tree with branches outstretched ]

Al Gore: I can see, by your wonderful flora! [ suddenly, the tree comes to life and scoops Gore up in its branch-arms ] Hey!

[ the Brazilian government officials lift their masks to reveal that they are alien beings ]

Head Alien: Ha ha! Stupid Earthling! We will use you to lure your foolish president!

Al Gore: [ struggling to free himself ] Try the X-Presidents. [ presses the X-Presidents signal on his watch ] [ a signal beams toward a mysterious volcano. Inside, X-President Jimmy Carter mans a control board, with screens revealing the whereabouts of Ford, Reagan, and Bush. ]

Jimmy Carter: Vice-President, Condition Red. Rendezvous Sector: C for Charlie, A for Astro, D for Double.

Ronald Reagan: Let’s roll.

Gerald Ford: Roger.

George Bush: Wilco.

Announcer: Within minutes: from land — [ Ford flies above golf course ] sea — [ Reagan swims across ocean ] and air — [ Bush parachutes downward, then flies across to join Reagan, Ford, and Carter in the X-Presidents jet ] the brave chief executive warriors join forces.

[ cut back to a pair of the evil trees tossing Gore between them, as the aliens relay their scheme ]

Head Alien: Ha ha ha! Disguised as your platform, we will poison your puny environment!

Alien: Planet H-41 will rule!

[ suddenly, the X-Presidents come crashing in ]

Head Alien: [ with fists clenched ] The X-Presidents!

George Bush: Read my lips: your ass is grass!

[ Bush goes mano-a-mano against an alien, and KO’s him ]

Ronald Reagan: [ waves his fists in front of an evil bush ] Just say No.. to pissing me off! [ punches the bush and wraps a branch around it ]

Head Alien: Activate the Magno-beam!

[ the Magno-beam is turned on and pointed at the X-Presidents, who wince upon being hit ]

Head Alien: Ha! You Earthlings are too weak to reject its evil essence!

Jimmy Carter: I.. only feel the malaise..

George Bush: Hold on, Jerry..

Gerald Ford: I.. must.. destroy! [ begins knocking down trees as the evil foliage watches with glee ] I.. must.. destroy! I.. must.. destroy!!

Ronald Reagan: Ford.. foreign policy.. weak! Got to.. summon.. help!

[ Reagan flips the re-animating button ]

Announcer: Flipping the re-animating button, President Reagan sends a signal to Yorba Linda, California, where help is waiting.

[ the signal reaches the tomb of Richard Nixon, whose ghost bursts outward ]

Richard Nixon: I am not a crook! I’m a killing machine! [ the ghost of Checkers the dog bursts out behind Nixon ] Checkers! Away! [ they fly to the rescue ]

Ronald Reagan: Bush! Track down and break up the Magno-beam’s source! Carter! Hold off the trees ’til Nixon gets here!

[ Nixon flies in ]

Richard Nixon: Let me make this perfectly clear cut!

[ Nixon spins among the evil trees and slices them in half ] [ Nixon them flies into the group of aliens holding onto the Magno-beam ]

Richard Nixon: Sock it! To me?!

[ the aliens take a tumble into the path of the Magno-beam, and they explode ]

Richard Nixon: A-wayyyyyy!!!

[ Nixon flies back to his tomb, as the X-Presidents wave farewell ] [ dissolve to the Oval Office ]

President Bill Clinton: You, and X-President Nixon, have bailed us out once again.

Ronald Reagan: History will surely look kindly on him, now.

Gerald Ford: Sorry I got a little out of control, back there.

President Bill Clinton: That’s okay, Mr. Ford. We grant you a full pardon!

[ Clinton and the X-Presidents laugh ] [ dissolve to the X-Presidents playing instruments and singing in the style of The Archies ]

X-Presidents: [ singing ]“Let’s all get together, be happy now
Let’s all get together, be true!
I don’t want to fight with your country any more
Let’s sit down, negotiate!

I had a girl, she wouldn’t sign my treaty
I said, “I opened Red China, baby listen to me!”

Come on!

Let’s all get together, be happy now
Let’s talk it out until we turn blue!
Let’s not leave this table with nothing, nowI just want to say I made progress with you!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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