Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 17
Nightline
Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Marshall Applewhite…..Will Ferrell
Cult Member #1…..Tim Meadows
Cult Member #2…..Jim Breuer
Zantar…..Mark McKinney
Announcer: This is ABC News, “Nightline”. Reporting from Washington, Ted Koppel.
Ted Koppel: Good evening, and welcome to a very special edition of “Nightline”, where we’re following a truly extraordinary breaking story. We’re all familiar by now with the story of Marshall Applewhite and the Heaven’s Gate cult – 39 lost souls following a deranged pied piper to an untimely end. Or so it seemed, until two days ago when ABC News began receiving strange microwave transmissions from deep space. With the help of NASA scientists, at 11:00 this evening, we were able to decipher these signals, and so nowe, live via satellite from the alien spacecraft, is alien cult leader Marshall Applewhite.
[ monitor image fades in and out until we see Marshall Applewhite and members of his cult cheering while surrounded by aliens inside a spaceship ]
Marshall Applewhite: We made it!! We made it!!
Ted Koppel: Marshall Applewhite, I take my hat off to you, you were right about everything – the comet, the spaceship, everything. Congratulations on a job well done.
Marshall Applewhite: Well, Ted, I really appreciate that. But I gotta tell you, when I set down that glass of Phenabarbatol, I had a moment of “Marshall! Not good!” But I knew then it was Go-Time, so I said, “What the hell?” and rolled the dice, and guess what? We came out on top, and it feels pretty darn good, right gang?
Cult Member #1: I just want to give a shout out to all my homies back at the “Deep Space Nine” fan club!
Ted Koppel: How have you been getting along with your alien hosts aboard the spacecraft?
Marshall Applewhite: They have just been wonderful! Their hospitality, fantastic! Of course, their food leaves a little something to be desired! [ laughs ] When Zantar’s wife makes her space casserole, I wish I could kill myself again! [ Zantar zaps him with a prod ] I’m just kidding, Zantar! Actually, his wife has been incredible!
Ted Koppel: Uh-huh.. alright. So, this whole killing yourself thing has really turned out to be a home run for you. Tell me, are there any regrets?
Marshall Applewhite: Yeahhh.. the castration thing.. I was way off on that one, Ted! It turns out it had nothing to do with anything. In fact, when we got here, everyone just looked at me like, “Applewhite, you nutball!”
Cult Member #2: Yeah, but he’s our nutball!
Cult Member #1: “Deep Space Nine”!
Ted Koppel: Marshall Applewhite, what are your plans for the future?
Marshall Applewhite: We’re not gonna mess with a good thing, Ted. We’re just gonna keep on folloing this comet around and partying.
Zantar: [ starts chanting ]
Marshall Applewhite: Oh, by the way, Ted, Zantar wanted to say something to yourviewers.. if that’s alright?
Zantar: [ starts reading something unintelligible ]
Marshall Applewhite: [ laughs ] It’s upside-down! [ flips Zantor’s card over for him ]
Zantar: [ starts over ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
