Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 17
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald![Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, basking inthe applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald.Now, the fake news. Our top story tonight:
This week, after months of speculation, sitcom starEllen DeGeneres finally admitted that, yes, she’s gay.Inspired by her courage, today, diet guru RichardSimmons admitted that he is really, really, really,really gay.
In a radio interview this week, First Lady HillaryClinton scoffed at “conspiracy nuts,” as she calledthem, obsessed with Whitewater and compared them tocult figures, or cult groups rather, fascinated byUFOs and the Hale-Bopp comet. Although she did concedeone point of similarity between Whitewater andHeaven’s Gate: thirty-nine castrated deadpeople.
Two professors of medicine at Rutgers University saythat they are developing a pill which can give womenorgasms without having sex. [women in the audiencecheer and applaud] Read all about this revolutionarydiscovery in my new book: “The World’s Most DangerousDrug.” … [men cheer and applaud] … The women clapat the premise and the men clapped at thepunchline.
The White House says that surviving relatives of thosewho died in a forty year old federal study whichallowed men infected with syphilis to go untreatedwill get an official apology from President Clinton.According to the President, quote, “If not for thesacrifices of these brave men, I would not be alivetoday.”
On Capitol Hill this week, the House unanimouslypassed a measure which would prevent prison inmatesfrom being counted as household members for purposesof food stamp eligibility. [Norm pulls out his pockettape recorder and speaks into it] Note to self: Uh,find new way of fraudulently obtaining food stamps.[nods decisively and returns recorder topocket]
Recently, a group of Orthodox rabbis declared thatother branches of Judaism are, quote, “not Judaism atall” thus challenging the religious status of millionsof American Jews. This week, that statement wasrejected by Reform leader Rabbi Don Schonstein, whosaid, quote, “Our legitimacy as Jews flows from therichness of our Jewish lives, the strength of ourJewish communities and, most important of all, ourdeep and abiding belief in Jesus Christ.”
Recent photos sent from the Galileo space probeorbiting Jupiter’s moon Europa suggest that it meetsthe conditions necessary to support a primitive lifeform. Just what kind of life form? You guessed it –Frank Stallone.
Oprah Winfrey’s longtime boyfriend, Stedman Graham,has written a new book called, “You Can Make ItHappen: A Nine-Step Plan for Success.” Step NumberOne? Become Oprah Winfrey’s boyfriend. … [applause]Then the other eight are just hang around…
Last weekend in Washington, a new museum dedicated tobroadcast journ– [Norm chokes on the word and clearshis throat] Gaahh!… [under his breath] What the fuckwas that? … [audience laughs but Norm presses on]Last weekend in Washington, a new museum… [crowdrealizes what Norm has just said and starts cheeringand applauding – a grinning Norm sighs] Aaah hah, myfarewell performance. Last weekend– [morelaughter]
Last weekend in Washington, a new museum dedicated tobroadcast journalism opened where visitors can appearon camera and pretend they are news anchors. So farthe museum has been visited more than two hundredtimes by Tabitha Soren. [Photo of MTV news personTabitha Soren]
In St. Louis, Missouri, a father, who lost jointcustody of his two sons after undergoing a sex changeoperation, now plans to ask an appeals court toreconsider its ruling that gave sole custody to theboys’ mother. [Norm rubs his chin thoughtfully] Hmmmm,I wonder who’s gonna win this case … the mother ofthe two children — or the guy who had his penisturned into a fake vagina? … It’s a tough call. Yougot the guy who fashioned a vagina-like thing and thenya got the mother…
In Michigan, state Historical Commission officials saythey will not interfere with the building of a newmajor sports stadium even if construction unearthshistorical artifacts. However, state Indian Affairofficials say that if relics from a Native Americantribe are found, they would like to have the land setaside and designated as a sacred tribal burialground-slash-giant casino. … [applause]
The Nuclear Regulatory Commission has warned that anindustrial camera, stolen from a Montana company,could pose a radiation hazard if its casing is opened.Oh. [Norm pulls out his recorder again] Note to self:Uh, after show, remember to close the casing on thatindustrial camera that I, uh, I borrowed from, uh,that thing while I was in Montana. [pocketsrecorder]
And, finally, in Californ– [Norm chokes on the wordand grins – audience laughs]
And, finally, in California, pet owners [Norm shoots aglance at the crowd] – pet owners can now take theircanine friends to the world’s first doggy weddingchapel, where dogs can actually be married in a civilceremony. The ceremony ends when the Justice of thePeace says, “You may now sniff the ass.” … [cheersand applause which continues till the end ofUpdate]
All right, folks. Maybe we’ll see you next week! Goodnight![Norm sort of waves and starts to take the microphoneoff his necktie. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]