Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 17
Janet Blaum’s Rant
Janet Blaum…..Ana Gasteyer
Waitress #2…..Molly Shannon
Waitress #3…..Cheri Oteri
Customer #1…..Will Ferrell
Customer #2…..Jim Breuer
[ open on interior, Jazzies Bar & Grill ]
Janet Blaum: I swear, I have had it up to here, Daniel has been riding me all day!
Waitress #2: I know, he’s been awful.
Waitress #3: Someone has to do something.
Manager: Ladies, ladies.. I think that there is a tubetop that is waiting for some service, so why don’t we get on it? Janet?
Janet Blaum: God, he’s a pill! I swear, one of these days, one more comment like this, and I am really gonna let him have it!
Waitress #2: God, I wish I had the guts..
Waitress #3: Hey, you want me to take the tubetop?
Janet Blaum: No, I got it. But they’d better not have a coupon. [ approaches the table ] Hey, how you guys doing tonight?
Customer #1: Good. We have a coupon.
Janet Blaum: That’s, um.. that’s no problem. I should let you know, also, that Tuesday is seafood night here at Jazzies —
Customer #2: Yeah, look – we don’t want a big spiel. Just bring us a couple burgers and some Scotch. Alright, honey?
Janet Blaum: I really don’t appreciate —
Manager: [ jumps in ] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is there a problem here?
Janet Blaum: Well, Daniel, I-I-I —
Customer #2: She’s being rude!
Manager: Is that true, Janet?
Janet Blaum: No!
Manager: Look, why don’t you take the night off, alright? Listen, I’m very sorry, gentlemen, this meal is gonna be on me.
Janet Blaum: Daniel, that is not fair!
Manager: Janet, I want you to get your things, and I want you to go home, okay? We’ll talk tomorrow! Alright?
Janet Blaum: Well, you know what? I don’t think we will talk tomorrow, because I have a couple of things I’d like to say to you right now!
Waitress #2: Do it, Janet!
Waitress #3: Go, sister!
Janet Blaum: I have been waiting for this for a long time! This enire restaurant, and all of the people in it, and particularly you, Daniel, can all just.. can all go.. fly a kite! Okay? Because this is bull crap!
Customer #2: Bull crap?
Janet Blaum: Th-th-that’s right! I am really PO’ed! I am ticked, okay? And, you, Mr. Bigshot.. B-b-boss guy, you, you are a gigantic.. gigantic manager! Okay? And I.. wo not stand for –
Guys: Wo not!! [ laugh ]
Manager: Hah! Wo not? Did you just say “Wo not”?
Customer #2: [ snottily ] Where did you learn to talk?
Janet Blaum: I learned to talk at the same place you got your fat coupon! Okay?
Customer #1: Th-that makes no sense.
Janet Blaum: Okay, maybe this makes sense to you, okay – obviously, your had is full of cheese, okay? So, go smarten up, because I.. dow-not want it —
Manager: [ mocking ] Dow-not! Dow-not!
Janet Blaum: Stop it! Stop it, okay! This is, this terd city! This is total BS! Bull crap! Okay! Bull crap! And you know what, Daniel? You know what? You are all wet! And I wonder, where did you get your brain, out of a Crackerjack box?
Customer #1: Boy, that is weak.
Janet Blaum: I-I-I-I speak for everyone here.. I think. [ the other waitresses disagree ] For too long, you have walked all over us, okay! I am so, so PO’ed! Alright? L-l-look at you, with your big.. stuff.. you are an unbelievable crum bum!
Manager: Crum-bum! [ laughs ]
Janet Blaum: Yeah, yeah.. I have walked through this door so many times, but I thought I.. wo not —
Guys: Wo not! Wo not! [ laugh ]
Janet Blaum: Th-th-this is BS! This is bull crap! Alright?
Manager: Look, I know you thought this was gonna be your big moment with me, and it really hasn’t worked out very well, has it? So why don’t you just go home?
Janet Blaum: Oh, no, no, Daniel! I am royally ticked, okay? I am royally ticked! Okay? I am royally ticked! So why don’t you take a short walk on a long pier.. or.. a long pier with.. this sucks BS, okay! This place is a bull crap place! And you, and you, can bite the big one! So why don’t you take this job —
Manager: Oh, please, don’t say “Shove it.”
Janet Blaum: Aaarrgggghh!! This is BS! BS! This whole place is a BS palace, and you are King Bull! Alright? And the food here looks like throw up!
Manager: Okay, okay, let’s get you out of here!
Janet Blaum: You know what? You know what? Fine! Excuse my dust, okay, because I am out of here, alright? And I’m sorry that I’m not some big.. speech.. maker lady person.. okay? I am just a ticked off waitress who is PO’ed with all the BS and the bull crap and terds, okay? Yeah! Yeah! You’re all just a big stinking pil of BM, okay? So, so, so say goodbye! Because this lady is not coming back, alright? I am out of here forever, okay? And as far as I’m concerned, so are all of you!
[ exits, then re-enters ]
I forgot my purse. This sucks on toast!
[ exits, then re-enters ]
Someone call AAA for me, my car won’t start! God, this day has been an unbelievable bucket of BM!
Manager: Look, will somebody call the AAA for her, and let’s get back to work. Come on, everyone, come on.
Janet Blaum: Fine! I’m still PO’ed!
Waitress #3: [ meekly ] That went well.
[ fade ]