A&E Biography


A&E Biography

Jack Perkins…..Darrell Hammond
Tiger Woods…..Tim Meadows
Earl Woods…..Tracy Morgan

Jack Perkins: [ brandishing a drink, as usual ] Welcome to”Biography.” I’m Jack Perkins. [ sits ] Unless you’ve been in a cave for the last week, you’ve heard of a man named Tiger Woods. He won the Masters Golf tournament on Sunday, and since then the entire namtion has been abuzz about this extraordinary young man! [ holds up his drink ] I am quite abuzz myself right now! Without further ado, “Biography” presents the story of Tiger Woods.

[ cut to visual image of a baby Tiger being held by his father Earl ]

Jack Perkins Voice-Over: If you want to know the story of TigerWoods, you need to know the story of his father, Earl Woods.. a man whoraised his son to be a.. champion!
Earl Woods: Well, I pretty much knew that my son, Tiger, was going to be a professional golfer. When he was a baby, he would grab onto these little toy golf clubs we had gotten him, and swing them all around, to and fro, all the live-long day. He loved that little club.

Tiger Woods: My first concious memory.. is my father crazy-gluing this plastic golf club to my hands. His hair was all messed up, and he had this crazy look in his eye.

Earl Woods: One day I’ll never forget is the first time I took my little boy to the golf course. He was all, like, “Golf is great!” and “I love golf!” And I’ve never seen him so excited. I think that was the greatest day of his whole life.

Tiger Woods: That was the worst day of my whole life. Yeah, Dad, was in a really bad mood that day. He’d gone to the store to buy a recliner, and his credit card was turned down. On the way home, he pulled over next to a golf course and started crying. He told me I had to be a rich, professional golfer or my mother and him would starve. That had a big impact on me – even though I think he was just pretending to cry.

[ cut to Jack Perkins pouring another drink in the A&E Biography studio ]

Jack Perkins: Today’s my birthday! And I’m getting.. drunker! I guess you could say Earl was drunk with happiness, as he watched his son tear through the amateur ranks. But when Tigewr won the Masters last week, Earl was so happy, it made his earlier happiness seem.. not half as happy! This is true happiness.

Earl Woods: When Tiger was playing so good at the Masters, it was like a dream come true. He was getting the birdies and the eagles and the what-not, I was so proud!

Tiger Woods: When I was on the 18th green, putting on the last hole of the Masters, it was totally quiet except for my father, who kept saying, “Ca-Ching! Ca-Ching!” Just like a cash register, you know? He was high-fiving everyone.. it was really embarrassing.

Earl Woods: Let me tell you something – Tiger Woods doesn’t justplay golf, he is golf. He’s a man of destiny and what-not.. he’s like another Gandhi.

Tiger Woods: When I bought my Dad a house, he was all, like, “Gee, thanks, Gandhi.” You know, real sarcastic-like. I guess he expected a bigger house, or something.

[ cut back to Jack Perkins sitting in the A&E Biography studio ]

Jack Perkins: “We’re running witthe shadows of the night. So,baby, take my hand we’ll be alright. Surrender all your dreams to metonight, they’ll all come true in the end.” That’s a song! It’s called “Shadows of the Night”, by Pat Benetar.. we should do a biography about her. But I bet we wont. I hope you enjoyed our look at Tiger Woods and his determined dad, Earl. For “Biography”, I’m Jack Perkins. Nighty-night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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