TV Funhouse

TV Funhouse


[The animated “Saturday TV Funhouse” intro plays, with Lorne Michaels chasing after the dog, and then FADE to a residential street where two boys and another younger boy are playing. On the right, Willie dribbles a basketball; on the left, Butch is popping a wheelie on his bicycle.]

Butch: Hey, guys, look what I can do!

Willie: Hey, that’s pretty neat!

Youngest Boy: Yeah!

[In a flash, Ace and Gary swoop down and land in the middle of the street.]

Ace: I wouldn’t be so sure!

Willie and Butch: Huh?

[FADE to “The Ambiguously Gay Duo” opening sequence. The announcer speaks when it is finished.]

Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight, safety tips from: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!

[FADE to Ace and Gary talking to the youngsters on the street.]

Ace: Willie, Butch… fun and safety can go hand-in-hand.

Willie: Wow! On our street! Ace and Gary!

Butch: I hear they’re fruits.

Willie: No way!

Gary: Kids, if you follow our tips, you can have a good time…

Ace: And a SAFE time.

Gary: Come along!

[CUT to Ace and Gary riding a tandem bike. Ace is in the lead, while Gary holds snugly onto his hips.]

Ace: Always ride on the right side of the street. [rings bell]

Gary: And signal when making turns! [signals turn with right arm]

Ace: Riding at night requires special attention. A reflector suit, like Gary’s here, ensures that you’ll be seen.

[Gary is wearing gold medallions across his chest and beltline, on his knees, and over his crotch.]

Butch: See what I mean?

Willie: That don’t mean anything.

[CUT to Ace and Gary riding a motorbike in similar fashion.]

Ace: Older kids should be careful on motorbikes.

Gary: [wearing red helmet] Be sure to wear helmets!

[CUT to Butch putting a bicycle helmet.]

Ace: Attaboy, Butch!

[Ace pats Butch on the butt, and Butch looks at him in shock. CUT to Ace and Gary crossing the street together.]

Ace: Look both ways before crossing the street.

Gary: [takes Ace’s hand] And always hold hands with your buddy!

Ace: The buddy system should be used in all potentially unsafe situations, like swimming, bike riding, and showering.

Youngest Boy: They’re gay, all right!

Willie: You don’t even know what gay is!

Youngest Boy: Yeah, I do!

Ace: Let’s go to your house.

[CUT to Ace and Gary on the living room floor. Holding an electric cord, Gary is on his hands and knees while Ace kneels behind him.]

Gary: Never pull out a plug by its cord!

Ace: That’s right, Gary. Grab the plug by the male end and stick it in the hole.

Gary: Just stick it in, and don’t play with it!

Ace: Right. Don’t pull it out, just leave it in. Got it?

Kids: [stunned] Yeah.

[CUT to all of them standing in the middle of the living room.]

Ace: Break the wall down between the living room and the dining room. It opens up the area, and gives a better sense of flow from one room to the other. But that’s more a tip for your parents. [looks off to side] Hi, folks.

[CUT to a middle-aged couple peering very suspiciously through the doorway.]

Father: [softly] Uh… hi.

Ace: Let’s go for a ride.

[CUT to the Duo’s “genitalmobile,” which Ace drives while the kids sit uneasily in the back seats.]

Ace: You may not be old enough to drive. But if you’re a safe passenger, you’ve got a job to do.

[Gary leans over from the passenger seat and puts his head right over Ace’s crotch. They are seen from behind while Gary’s head bobs slightly up and down.]

Ace: Gary is making sure that the parking brake is in the proper release position. All clear, Gary?

Gary: [sits back in seat] Looking good!

[CUT to everyone standing in the Comissioner’s office.]

Commissioner: Fellas, I think these kids need to get back!

Ace: Hold on, Commissioner.

[Ace is holding Gary from behind, as though Gary is choking.]

Ace: See, kids, it’s called the Heimlich Maneuver. [squeezes Gary’s stomach]

Gary: Uhhh!

[The kids look at them suspiciously.]

Ace: What’s everybody looking at?

Youngest Boy: You’re gay!

Gary: You’ll all be happy and gay if you follow our tips!

Ace: We’re gay like a fox.

Commissioner: Okay, that’s enough! Let’s everyone go home, now!

[The kids walk slowly out of the office.]

Ace and Gary: [waving] See ya, kids!

Commissioner: [uncomfortably] Uh, thanks, Ace and Gary. We… all learned a lot.

Ace: Thank YOU, Commissioner. Say, want to practice some CPR?

[Gary lies down on the desk in front of the commissioner.]

Commissioner: No, I don’t!

[FADE to Ace and Gary jumping into their “genitalmobile” and speeding off.]

Announcer: Play safe, and STAY safe! With…

Chorus: “The Ambiguously Gay Duo”!

[ROLL credits and CUT to the slide reading, “WRITTEN BY ROBERT SMIGEL.” FADE to black on Lorne Michaels wrestling with the dog.]

Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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