TV Funhouse
[The animated Saturday TV Funhouse intro plays, with Lorne Michaels chasing after the dog, and then FADE to a residential street where two boys and another younger boy are playing. On the right, Willie dribbles a basketball; on the left, Butch is popping a wheelie on his bicycle.]
Butch: Hey, guys, look what I can do!
Willie: Hey, thats pretty neat!
Youngest Boy: Yeah!
[In a flash, Ace and Gary swoop down and land in the middle of the street.]Ace: I wouldnt be so sure!
Willie and Butch: Huh?
Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight, safety tips from: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
[FADE to Ace and Gary talking to the youngsters on the street.]Ace: Willie, Butch… fun and safety can go hand-in-hand.
Willie: Wow! On our street! Ace and Gary!
Butch: I hear theyre fruits.
Willie: No way!
Gary: Kids, if you follow our tips, you can have a good time…
Ace: And a SAFE time.
Gary: Come along!
[CUT to Ace and Gary riding a tandem bike. Ace is in the lead, while Gary holds snugly onto his hips.]Ace: Always ride on the right side of the street. [rings bell]
Gary: And signal when making turns! [signals turn with right arm]
Ace: Riding at night requires special attention. A reflector suit, like Garys here, ensures that youll be seen.
[Gary is wearing gold medallions across his chest and beltline, on his knees, and over his crotch.]Butch: See what I mean?
Willie: That dont mean anything.
Ace: Older kids should be careful on motorbikes.
Gary: [wearing red helmet] Be sure to wear helmets!
[CUT to Butch putting a bicycle helmet.]Ace: Attaboy, Butch!
Ace: Look both ways before crossing the street.
Gary: [takes Aces hand] And always hold hands with your buddy!
Ace: The buddy system should be used in all potentially unsafe situations, like swimming, bike riding, and showering.
Youngest Boy: Theyre gay, all right!
Willie: You dont even know what gay is!
Youngest Boy: Yeah, I do!
Ace: Lets go to your house.
[CUT to Ace and Gary on the living room floor. Holding an electric cord, Gary is on his hands and knees while Ace kneels behind him.]Gary: Never pull out a plug by its cord!
Ace: Thats right, Gary. Grab the plug by the male end and stick it in the hole.
Gary: Just stick it in, and dont play with it!
Ace: Right. Dont pull it out, just leave it in. Got it?
Kids: [stunned] Yeah.
[CUT to all of them standing in the middle of the living room.]Ace: Break the wall down between the living room and the dining room. It opens up the area, and gives a better sense of flow from one room to the other. But thats more a tip for your parents. [looks off to side] Hi, folks.
[CUT to a middle-aged couple peering very suspiciously through the doorway.]Father: [softly] Uh… hi.
Ace: Lets go for a ride.
[CUT to the Duos genitalmobile, which Ace drives while the kids sit uneasily in the back seats.]Ace: You may not be old enough to drive. But if youre a safe passenger, youve got a job to do.
[Gary leans over from the passenger seat and puts his head right over Aces crotch. They are seen from behind while Garys head bobs slightly up and down.]Ace: Gary is making sure that the parking brake is in the proper release position. All clear, Gary?
Gary: [sits back in seat] Looking good!
[CUT to everyone standing in the Comissioners office.]Commissioner: Fellas, I think these kids need to get back!
Ace: Hold on, Commissioner.
[Ace is holding Gary from behind, as though Gary is choking.]Ace: See, kids, its called the Heimlich Maneuver. [squeezes Garys stomach]
Gary: Uhhh!
[The kids look at them suspiciously.]Ace: Whats everybody looking at?
Youngest Boy: Youre gay!
Gary: Youll all be happy and gay if you follow our tips!
Ace: Were gay like a fox.
Commissioner: Okay, thats enough! Lets everyone go home, now!
[The kids walk slowly out of the office.]Ace and Gary: [waving] See ya, kids!
Commissioner: [uncomfortably] Uh, thanks, Ace and Gary. We… all learned a lot.
Ace: Thank YOU, Commissioner. Say, want to practice some CPR?
[Gary lies down on the desk in front of the commissioner.]Commissioner: No, I dont!
[FADE to Ace and Gary jumping into their genitalmobile and speeding off.]Announcer: Play safe, and STAY safe! With…
Chorus: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
[ROLL credits and CUT to the slide reading, WRITTEN BY ROBERT SMIGEL. FADE to black on Lorne Michaels wrestling with the dog.]Thanks to Joe for this transcript!
