NASCAR Pamela Lee Invitational
Dale Jarrett…..Colin Quinn
[FADE IN on a flashing screen with the caption, SATURDAY, then CUT to NASCAR racing video.]
Announcer: This Saturday on ESPN2: straight from Daytona, its big NASCAR action. All the biggest names in stock car racing have been brought together by the woman whose name is synonymous with NASCAR: Pamela Lee. Thats right–its the First Annual Pamela Lee Invitational NASCAR Rally.[SUPERIMPOSE caption over racing footage.]
Announcer: Pamela Lee knows NASCAR. And shell be calling all the action herself right from trackside.
Pamela: Weve got an incredible race out here today! Coming up in fourth, Brett Bodine on the inside groove! Boy, oh, boy, that new R-tail chassis hes riding here has way more downforce trim than his old Eagle 977. Coming down the straightaway, its Brett Bodiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!![Pamela leans over the fence and shakes her breasts back and forth. CUT to footage of cars racing in a very tight pack.]
Bodine: Hey, is that Pamela LEE out there? Good NIGHT! Would you look at that set of–OH, MY GOD!!!!![Bodines car gets bumped and smashes into the wall.]
Announcer: Pamela Lee plus NASCAR equals pure racing excitement.[FADE back to Pamela at her station.]
Pamela: Well, they finally cleared Brett Bodine off the track. It looks like Rusty Wallace is slingshotting off of bend two! Here comes Wallaaaaaaaaace!! [leans over and shakes her breasts][CUT to Wallace driving on the outside in heavy traffic and getting rear-ended into the wall.]
Wallace: [shrieking] HEY!!! HEY, PAMELA, LOOK AT ME!!! OH, MY GOD!!!!![Several others crash into him, and he skids upside down in the midst of the pack. He flips back over and skids down the track with smoke pouring out behind him.]
Wallace: HEY, PAMELA, OVER HERE!!! OH MY GOD, IM ON FIRE!!!!! OH, MY GOD!!!!! HEY, PAMELA, OVER HERE!!! OH, MY GOD, MY HEAD IS ON FIRE!!! PAMELA!!! IM STILL GOING!!!
Announcer: All NASCARs top drivers will be there. And they are pumped!
Wallace: IM ON FIRE!![FADE to Dale Jarrett in a red racesuit.]
Jarrett: I gotta tell you, this race is a really bad idea.[FADE back to Pamela Lee at trackside.]
Pamela: [smiling] Boy, there has been a lot of crashes today! Must be a slippery track! But with five laps to go, its Jeff Gordooooooooooon!! Whooo!![She starts jumping up and down, but claps her hands to her ears and covers her mouth at the sound of squealing tires.]
Pamela: Oh! Uh-oh![CUT to Jeff Gordons car skidding sideways toward the center with its front end smashed.]
Gordon: Oh, I saw right down her shirt! It was so worth it![A car zooms up out of nowhere and clips his front right corner. He goes spinning as metal flies into the air.]
Gordon: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! It was still worth it! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh![CUT to footage of an airborne Goodyear blimp.]
Announcer: And as always, exciting aerial views will be brought to you by the Goodyear Blimp.[FADE to Pamela jumping up and down and waving up to the blimp. A moment later, orange light suddenly flares up, and an explosion is heard. Pamela stares up as smoke and pieces of the blimp come drifting down. Spectators duck for cover.]
Pamela: Oh! Oh! Oh![CUT back to opening NASCAR footage.]
Announcer: The Pamela Lee Invitational NASCAR Rally. ESPN2. This Saturday.[FADE to black over applause.]
Thanks to Joe for this transcript!