President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Female Reporter…..Molly Shannon
Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
Wolf Blitzer…..Mark McKinney
Male Reporter…..Tim Meadows
Helen Thomas…..Ana Gasteyer
[ open on White House press conference ]
President Bill Clinton: Good afternoon. I’m here today to address speculation as to why no Independent Counsel has been appointed to investigate alleged illegal fundraising by the Democratic National Committee. Let me just say that the Attorney General has concluded that no ethical violations were committed that would warrant this kind of investigation. [ gives his thumbs-up ] Now, before I take your questions, bear in mind, I still have to use crutches when I walk! [ holds his crutches up ] See? It’s a ltitle tough for me to sit..[ reporters start clamoring for his attention ]
Female Reporter: Uh, Mr. President? Today is the anniversary of both the Waco incident and the Oklahoma City bombing. Meanwhile, there are reports of new threats from militia groups. What is Attorney General Janet Reno doing to protect the people?
President Bill Clinton: Let me just say, the Attorney General has placed the Federal Government on a full state of alert. And, don’t worry, Janet Reno has got this under control..[ Janet Reno crashes through a side door like the Incredible Hulk and takes over the press conference ]
Attorney General Janet Reno: You wanted her, you got her! [ grabs Clinton by the crutch and shoves him aside ] Now, you’re gonna get the straight dope from the horse’s mouth! It’s Reno Time! Now, who wants a piece of Reno? [ Wolf Blitzer stands up ] You!
Wolf Blitzer: Uh.. Wolf Blitzer, CNN News. Miss Reno, as an appointee of an administration that’s plagued with pending indictments, hasn’t the time come for you to remove yourself from the investigation?
Attorney General Janet Reno: If you ask one more question like that, you’re gonna have to rue with my foot from your ass! What kind of name is “Wolf”, anyways? [ distraught, Wolf Blitzer takes his seat ] Next question! Come on, who wants to tango?
Male Reporter: Yeah, Miss Reno? Vice-President Gore has admitted to raising money from his White House office. Given that, how can you claim there’s a lack of evidence?
Attorney General Janet Reno: Let me tell you something about Al Gore: he’s a beautiful boy, but he’ll say anything to get you in the sack!
Male Reporter: What the hell does that mean?
Attorney General Janet Reno: Shut it, tough guy! Or you’re gonna eat it, Reno-Style! Here’s some straight talk: I’m the Attorney General. That makes me Top Cop of the most powerful nation on the planet! [ President Clinton hobbles towards Janet Reno on his crutches, but she yanks them away ] Back off, Tubby! I’m just getting warmed up! [ throws the crutches across the room ] Go fetch! Go![ President Clinton swaggers a second, then catches his balance and smiles at the reporters ]
President Bill Clinton: I didn’t need them, anyway! [ laughs ]
Attorney General Janet Reno: I’ve got time for one more question! [ points to a reporter ] You!
Helen Thomas: Helen Thomas, UPI. Doesn’t the 1978 Independent Council Statute allow you to avoid a conflict of interest by submitting your request to a panel of three Federal judges?
Attorney General Janet Reno: You’re a sad, old lady. That’s it! End of press conference![ President Clinton hobbles forward again ]
President Bill Clinton: Ladies and gentlemen, forgive the Attorney General, she’s been under a lot of pressure lately, and I’d love to take your questions about my Federal Budget proposal, or my efforts to modify the Chemical Weapons treaty. I mean, nobody wants to live in a world of pollution..
Attorney General Janet Reno: [ makes fake snoring sounds behind President Clinton ] Get real! Now, I’m gonna do push-ups for everyone, and I want you to count them out loud! Blitzer, get up here and sit on my back![ Janet hits the floor and Wolf Blitzer sits atop her back as the other reporters count push-ups out loud ]
Reporters: One! Two! Three![ fast zoom to Janet Reno’s face ]
Attorney General Janet Reno: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“