The Twilight Zone
Rod Serling…..Norm MacDonald
Doctor…..Will Ferrell
Janet Tyler…..Pamela Lee
Nurse…..Molly Shannon
Intern #1…..Jim Breuer
Intern #2…..Chris Kattan
Rod Serling V/O: Submitted for your approval: the case of one Miss Janet Tyler, a hideous disfigured woman hoping for one last chance at a medical miracle. Today, her bandages come off. But we must not be surprised by what we see, for beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Even in.. “The Twilight Zone”.
[ open on Doctor, Nurse, and two Interns with their backs to the camera as they look down upon a woman with bandages wrapped around her face ]
Doctor: Well, Miss Tyler, today is the day.
Janet Tyler: Did the procedure work? I’ve got to know.
Doctor: There is no guarantee. I wish you the best of luck.
[ Doctor removes Janet’s bandages. Her face is flawless, beautiful in every way. ]
Doctor: Dear God!
[ Doctor, Nurse, two Interns turn around to reveal pig faces ]
Nurse: [ alarmed ] Oh, Doctor.. she’s.. she’s..
Doctor: She.. is.. hot!
Nurse: What?!
Intern #1: Damn! She’s hot! Whoo!
Intern #2: Yeah!!
Janet Tyler: So.. the procedure worked..?
Intern #2: Damn right it did! You’re a hottie!
Nurse: No, she’s not! Don’t you get it? We all have pig faces!
Doctor: [ not getting it ] Ri-ight.
Nurse: And everyone else in the world has pig faces!
Doctor: [ not interested ] Uh-huh..?
Nurse: So she’s a freak!
Intern #1: Except, she’s hot!
Doctor: Real hot! I’ll be honest.. it’s gonna be hard to go home to my pig-faced wife after seeing her.
Nurse: Listen.. she’s a freak because she doesn’t look like a pig!
Doctor: I wish you could hear what you sound like right now.
Janet Tyler: [ troubled ] What’s going on here, Doctor? Did the procedure work or not?
Doctor: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah, it worked, all right! The nurse obviously has sme kind of chip on her shoulder.
Intern #2: Who can blame her? She had to grow up with that hideous pig face all her life!
Nurse: So did you! You’re not getting it! You men are deluding this poor woman! [ sympathetic, to Janet ] I hate to do this to you, Miss Tyler, but.. you have to know the truth. [ holds up mirror ] Look.
[ music sting, as Janet screams ]
Janet Tyler: I don’t look like any of you!
Nurse: There, there, dear.. don’t worry..
Janet Tyler: Don’t worry?! [ excited ] I’m thrilled! I’m hot!
Intern #2: There you have it, Nurse Pig!
Nurse: Look. Calling me a pig is not an insult. Everyone looks like a pig!
Intern #1: Pig!
Nurse: That.. doesn’t bother me.
Intern #2: Pig.
Doctor: Pig.
Intern #1: Piggie piggie!
Nurse: [ annoyed ] Stop it! Stop it!!
Intern #2: Oink, oink! Oinker!
Nurse: Listen to me! Beauty depends on who holds the standards. Deviation from the norm will always be shunned, no matter what it looks like. Truly.. beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Doctor: Yeah.. but she’s hot!
[ Doctor and interns high-five Janet ]
[ Rod Serling re-enters the scene ]
Rod Serling: So, there you have it. Something what is beautiful to one is not beautiful to another. As this woman learned when she.. well.. she didn’t really learn anything. And neither did we. Frankly, usually I try to have some kind of ironic twist or moral in these things, but.. I got nothing this time, because that woman was hot! In “The Twilight Zone”.
