Bill Brasky

Bill Brasky

First Friend of Brasky…..Will Ferrell
Second Friend of Brasky…..John Goodman
Third Friend of Brasky…..Mark McKinney
Guy in Stands…..Tim Meadows
Parent…..Ana Gasteyer


Scene opens with a shot of a little league game in progress and the Brasky Buddies sitting on bleachers along with other parents.

First Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!!

Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah, best damn salesman in the office.

Third Friend of Brasky: Hey, to Bill Brasky!!

All: BILL BRASKY!

First Friend of Brasky: An eight-foot, two-ton monster who can palm a medicine ball! That’s what he is.

Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah!

Parent: Excuse me, a lot of us have come here to watch our children. Would you please just stop drinking and yelling?!

First Friend of Brasky: You got a nice caboose on you, honey.

Third Friend of Brasky: Ya sure do!

Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah!

Parent: You are horrible men!

Second Friend of Brasky: (yelling off screen) Come on Junior! If you don’t catch the ball I’ll put the dog to sleep!!

First Friend of Brasky: You’re a fine father!

Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah, last night, I tried to kill myself again.

There is a long pause

First Friend of Brasky: So anyways, Brasky would put on a white tie and tails and walk his pet cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra “Beverly”. And he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day, it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Brasky had to shoot the maid.

Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky would use his own thigh as an anvil!!

Third Friend of Brasky: You know, it was the sight of Brasky’s naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane!

Second Friend of Brasky: He showers in grain alcohol!!

First Friend of Brasky: He uses the Shroud of Terin as a golf towel!!

Second Friend of Brasky: He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident!!

Third Friend of Brasky: He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls!!

First Friend of Brasky: His first name is BILL!! (long pause) I’m drunk.

Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah. He makes every woman that sleeps with him, refer to him as “Bear Bryant”!!

First Friend of Brasky: He once ate the bible while water skiing!!

Third Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you? He once had sex with a cigarette machine!!

First Friend of Brasky: (says something incoherent in a drunken slur) You’re damn right and every kid on this field was FATHERED BY BILL BRASKY!! Every one of ‘em!!

All: BILL BRASKY!!!

Guy In Stands: Hey! Are you guys talking about Bill Brasky??

All: WE SURE ARE!!

Guy In Stands: I KNOW BILL BRASKY!!

First Friend of Brasky: I wanna be your dear friend!!

(Suddenly a loud, deep off screen voice chimes in)

Bill Brasky: HEY EVERYBODY, THIS GAME’S CALLED ON A COUNT OF SCOTCH!!! ‘CAUSE BILL BRASKY WANTS A DRINK!!!

All: BILL BRASKY!!!

Fade to black

Thanks to Blake B. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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