Bill Brasky

Bill Brasky

First Friend of Brasky…..Will Ferrell
Second Friend of Brasky…..John Goodman
Third Friend of Brasky…..Mark McKinney
Guy in Stands…..Tim Meadows
Parent…..Ana Gasteyer

Scene opens with a shot of a little league game in progress and the Brasky Buddies sitting on bleachers along with other parents.

First Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!!

Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah, best damn salesman in the office.

Third Friend of Brasky: Hey, to Bill Brasky!!

All: BILL BRASKY!

First Friend of Brasky: An eight-foot, two-ton monster who can palm a medicine ball! That’s what he is.

Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah!

Parent: Excuse me, a lot of us have come here to watch our children. Would you please just stop drinking and yelling?!

First Friend of Brasky: You got a nice caboose on you, honey.

Third Friend of Brasky: Ya sure do!

Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah!

Parent: You are horrible men!

Second Friend of Brasky: (yelling off screen) Come on Junior! If you don’t catch the ball I’ll put the dog to sleep!!

First Friend of Brasky: You’re a fine father!

Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah, last night, I tried to kill myself again.

There is a long pause

First Friend of Brasky: So anyways, Brasky would put on a white tie and tails and walk his pet cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra “Beverly”. And he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day, it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Brasky had to shoot the maid.

Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky would use his own thigh as an anvil!!

Third Friend of Brasky: You know, it was the sight of Brasky’s naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane!

Second Friend of Brasky: He showers in grain alcohol!!

First Friend of Brasky: He uses the Shroud of Terin as a golf towel!!

Second Friend of Brasky: He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident!!

Third Friend of Brasky: He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls!!

First Friend of Brasky: His first name is BILL!! (long pause) I’m drunk.

Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah. He makes every woman that sleeps with him, refer to him as “Bear Bryant”!!

First Friend of Brasky: He once ate the bible while water skiing!!

Third Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you? He once had sex with a cigarette machine!!

First Friend of Brasky: (says something incoherent in a drunken slur) You’re damn right and every kid on this field was FATHERED BY BILL BRASKY!! Every one of ‘em!!

All: BILL BRASKY!!!

Guy In Stands: Hey! Are you guys talking about Bill Brasky??

All: WE SURE ARE!!

Guy In Stands: I KNOW BILL BRASKY!!

First Friend of Brasky: I wanna be your dear friend!!

(Suddenly a loud, deep off screen voice chimes in)

Bill Brasky: HEY EVERYBODY, THIS GAME’S CALLED ON A COUNT OF SCOTCH!!! ‘CAUSE BILL BRASKY WANTS A DRINK!!!

All: BILL BRASKY!!!

Fade to black

Thanks to Blake B. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts