Celebrity Jeopardy


Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Marlon Brando…..John Goodman
Phil Donahue…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald


Alex Trebek: Welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. As you know, all of our celebrities are playing for charity. Marlon Brando, your charity is “Habitat for Humanity”; Phil Donahue, yours is the “Children Are Our Future Foundation”; and, Burt Reynolds, yours is the “Palm Beach Golf & Tennis Resort”. We have quite a match going here, let’s look at the score: We’ve got a close race going on for second place between Phil Donahue at -$6,800, and Burt Reynolds with -$6,900. And, at a commanding lead, it’s Marlon Brando with -$4,500. Better luck to all of you in the next round. It’s time for “Double Jeopardy”, let’s take a look at our board. The categories are: “Famous Roberts”, “Three Letter Words”, “Potpourri”, “Potent Potables”, “Colors”, “Holidays”, and, finally, “U.S. States”. Marlon, you pick the category.

Marlon Brando: Uh.. “Fishing”, for $1,000.

Alex Trebek: There’s no “Fishing” on the board, Marlon.

Marlon Brando: Uh.. I like “Fishing”.

Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s great. Let’s just start with “Famous Roberts”, for $400. The answer is: “This was John F. Kennedy’s younger brother.” [ Marlon buzzes in ] Marlon Brando?

Marlon Brando: Teddy.

Alex Trebek: No.

Marlon Brando: “Who’s Teddy?”

Alex Trebek: No!

Marlon Brando: “What is Teddy?”

Alex Trebek: No! [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: I’ll tell you something, Alex.. I think he’s right.

Alex Trebek: No, he’s not right! Remember the category: “Famous Roberts”.. in the Kennedy Family.

Burt Reynolds: “Who is Robert Blake?”

Alex Trebek: [ stunned ] No! [ Phil buzzes in ] Phil Donahue?

Phil Donahue: Well, my dear, good man, the board appears.. to be mine. I mean, in a tricky game where questions are answers, answers are questions, “Who’s on first?”, “What’s in the chicken?”, whoa-oa! and all of a sudden, I’m walking.. [ time-out buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: Phil, your time is up. Marlon, you still have control of the board.

Marlon Brando: [ playing with his buzzer ] In Tahiti, they have these dogs.. that they train to catch frisbees in their mouthes.. it’s amazing..

Alex Trebek: [ exasperated ] And I’ll pick the category for you. “Holidays”, for $400. The answer is: “This December 25th holiday involves decorating a tree and opening presents.” [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, “what is my birthday?”

Alex Trebek: Is December 25th your birthday, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: No, July 5th!

Alex Trebek: Actually, I have your bio here – it’s February 11th. [ Burt buzzes again ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: “What is July 5th?”

Alex Trebek: [ perplexed ]Absolutely not! [ Phil buzzes in ] Yes! Phil Donahue?

Phil Donahue: [ poised ] Little Bobby, and little Susie, have hung their stockings with care. Mom and Dad are out looking for Tickle-Me-Elmo ’til five a.m., and all of a sudden, Bobby looks up and he says, “Hey! Who is this Jesus?”

Alex Trebek: [ angry ] You know the answer, just say it!

Phil Donahue: Meanwhile, Kris Kringle is drinking Coke! The reindeer are playing Nintendo! The elves are wearing Nike..! [ time-out buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: Time is up, Mr. Donahue! The answer was “Christmas”. [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: [ from out of nowhere ] He’s a good guy!

Alex Trebek: [ confused ] What?! What was that, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Robert Blake! Good guy! You ought to think about putting him up on your board, there!

Alex Trebek: Once again, Mr. Brando, the board is unfortunately yours.

Marlon Brando: [ twisting his buzzer in his hands ] I went into a 7-11 this morning.. and I wandered over to the magazine rack.. there’s so many magazines about cars..

Alex Trebek: [ interrupting ] I’m going to assume you picked “Colors”, for $800. Name this color. [ a red swatch appears on the game board ] Let’s just forget the whoe “answer in the form of a question” thing.. just name this color! [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, it’s a rectangle!

Alex Trebek: At this point, Mr. Reynolds, I’m convinced you have a learning disability. [ Phil buzzes in ] Mr. Donahue?

Phil Donahue: We live in a society where everyone claims to be color-blind..

Alex Trebek: I know where this is going! [ Marlon buzzes in ] Mr. Brando?

Marlon Brando: [ slowly removing his pants ] You knoq, I was riding a bicycle.. that I made myself.. and I was with Wally Cox.. and, God, I miss him, he was a good man.. e had fingers like a sailor.. I remember one time, in Bangkok.. [ time-out buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: The answer was “Red”. Mr. Donahue, you are at -$7,200; Mr. Reynolds.. you seem to have broken your buzzer.. and Mr. Brando, you’re naked from the waist down. Let’s just move on to “Final Jeopardy”. I tell you what, let’s just forget the question. All you have to do to win the game is write down the current year. What year it is right now. [ the “Final Jeopardy” theme plays, as the contestants barely make an effort to write down an answer ] It’s a number. What year is it this year? It starts with a “19”. [ Alex approaches the contestants to check their answers ] Okay, let’s see what we’ve got. Mr. Donahue appears to have written way too much.. in fact, he’s still going on. Let’s see what he’s got so far. [ a lengthy monologue appears on his screen ] Not even close.

Phil Donahue: Oh, come on!

Alex Trebek: Okay, now, Mr. Reynolds, I didn’t see you write anything, maybe I missed it.. [ a blank screen appears ] ..and I didn’t. You gave no answer.

Burt Reynolds: Why don’t you let me buy a vowel?

Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s infuriating. [ approaches Marlon Brando, who has a puppet on his hand ] Mr. Brando chose to speak to a puppet, in lieu of participating. Maybe the puppet wrote down an answer. [ Marlon’s screen is revealed to have the word “POOP” written on it ] You wrote “Poop”. This must be a proud moment for you, Mr. Brando.

Marlon Brando: [ concentrating on his puppet ] You’re a squawking parrot.. you’re an ant.

[ Burt squawks like a parrot ]

Alex Trebek: Okay.. Mr. Reynlds is the winner, by having the least negative amount of money. On his behalf, the Palm Beach Golf & Tennis Resort will receive a check for $10,000. That’s it for “Celebrity Jeopardy”. I quit.

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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