Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Marlon Brando…..John Goodman
Phil Donahue…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. As you know, all of our celebrities are playing for charity. Marlon Brando, your charity is “Habitat for Humanity”; Phil Donahue, yours is the “Children Are Our Future Foundation”; and, Burt Reynolds, yours is the “Palm Beach Golf & Tennis Resort”. We have quite a match going here, let’s look at the score: We’ve got a close race going on for second place between Phil Donahue at -$6,800, and Burt Reynolds with -$6,900. And, at a commanding lead, it’s Marlon Brando with -$4,500. Better luck to all of you in the next round. It’s time for “Double Jeopardy”, let’s take a look at our board. The categories are: “Famous Roberts”, “Three Letter Words”, “Potpourri”, “Potent Potables”, “Colors”, “Holidays”, and, finally, “U.S. States”. Marlon, you pick the category.
Marlon Brando: Uh.. “Fishing”, for $1,000.
Alex Trebek: There’s no “Fishing” on the board, Marlon.
Marlon Brando: Uh.. I like “Fishing”.
Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s great. Let’s just start with “Famous Roberts”, for $400. The answer is: “This was John F. Kennedy’s younger brother.” [ Marlon buzzes in ] Marlon Brando?
Marlon Brando: Teddy.
Alex Trebek: No.
Marlon Brando: “Who’s Teddy?”
Alex Trebek: No!
Marlon Brando: “What is Teddy?”
Alex Trebek: No! [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: I’ll tell you something, Alex.. I think he’s right.
Alex Trebek: No, he’s not right! Remember the category: “Famous Roberts”.. in the Kennedy Family.
Burt Reynolds: “Who is Robert Blake?”
Alex Trebek: [ stunned ] No! [ Phil buzzes in ] Phil Donahue?
Phil Donahue: Well, my dear, good man, the board appears.. to be mine. I mean, in a tricky game where questions are answers, answers are questions, “Who’s on first?”, “What’s in the chicken?”, whoa-oa! and all of a sudden, I’m walking.. [ time-out buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: Phil, your time is up. Marlon, you still have control of the board.
Marlon Brando: [ playing with his buzzer ] In Tahiti, they have these dogs.. that they train to catch frisbees in their mouthes.. it’s amazing..
Alex Trebek: [ exasperated ] And I’ll pick the category for you. “Holidays”, for $400. The answer is: “This December 25th holiday involves decorating a tree and opening presents.” [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, “what is my birthday?”
Alex Trebek: Is December 25th your birthday, Mr. Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: No, July 5th!
Alex Trebek: Actually, I have your bio here – it’s February 11th. [ Burt buzzes again ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: “What is July 5th?”
Alex Trebek: [ perplexed ]Absolutely not! [ Phil buzzes in ] Yes! Phil Donahue?
Phil Donahue: [ poised ] Little Bobby, and little Susie, have hung their stockings with care. Mom and Dad are out looking for Tickle-Me-Elmo ’til five a.m., and all of a sudden, Bobby looks up and he says, “Hey! Who is this Jesus?”
Alex Trebek: [ angry ] You know the answer, just say it!
Phil Donahue: Meanwhile, Kris Kringle is drinking Coke! The reindeer are playing Nintendo! The elves are wearing Nike..! [ time-out buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: Time is up, Mr. Donahue! The answer was “Christmas”. [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: [ from out of nowhere ] He’s a good guy!
Alex Trebek: [ confused ] What?! What was that, Mr. Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: Robert Blake! Good guy! You ought to think about putting him up on your board, there!
Alex Trebek: Once again, Mr. Brando, the board is unfortunately yours.
Marlon Brando: [ twisting his buzzer in his hands ] I went into a 7-11 this morning.. and I wandered over to the magazine rack.. there’s so many magazines about cars..
Alex Trebek: [ interrupting ] I’m going to assume you picked “Colors”, for $800. Name this color. [ a red swatch appears on the game board ] Let’s just forget the whoe “answer in the form of a question” thing.. just name this color! [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, it’s a rectangle!
Alex Trebek: At this point, Mr. Reynolds, I’m convinced you have a learning disability. [ Phil buzzes in ] Mr. Donahue?
Phil Donahue: We live in a society where everyone claims to be color-blind..
Alex Trebek: I know where this is going! [ Marlon buzzes in ] Mr. Brando?
Marlon Brando: [ slowly removing his pants ] You knoq, I was riding a bicycle.. that I made myself.. and I was with Wally Cox.. and, God, I miss him, he was a good man.. e had fingers like a sailor.. I remember one time, in Bangkok.. [ time-out buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: The answer was “Red”. Mr. Donahue, you are at -$7,200; Mr. Reynolds.. you seem to have broken your buzzer.. and Mr. Brando, you’re naked from the waist down. Let’s just move on to “Final Jeopardy”. I tell you what, let’s just forget the question. All you have to do to win the game is write down the current year. What year it is right now. [ the “Final Jeopardy” theme plays, as the contestants barely make an effort to write down an answer ] It’s a number. What year is it this year? It starts with a “19”. [ Alex approaches the contestants to check their answers ] Okay, let’s see what we’ve got. Mr. Donahue appears to have written way too much.. in fact, he’s still going on. Let’s see what he’s got so far. [ a lengthy monologue appears on his screen ] Not even close.
Phil Donahue: Oh, come on!
Alex Trebek: Okay, now, Mr. Reynolds, I didn’t see you write anything, maybe I missed it.. [ a blank screen appears ] ..and I didn’t. You gave no answer.
Burt Reynolds: Why don’t you let me buy a vowel?
Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s infuriating. [ approaches Marlon Brando, who has a puppet on his hand ] Mr. Brando chose to speak to a puppet, in lieu of participating. Maybe the puppet wrote down an answer. [ Marlon’s screen is revealed to have the word “POOP” written on it ] You wrote “Poop”. This must be a proud moment for you, Mr. Brando.
Marlon Brando: [ concentrating on his puppet ] You’re a squawking parrot.. you’re an ant.
[ Burt squawks like a parrot ]
Alex Trebek: Okay.. Mr. Reynlds is the winner, by having the least negative amount of money. On his behalf, the Palm Beach Golf & Tennis Resort will receive a check for $10,000. That’s it for “Celebrity Jeopardy”. I quit.