John Goodman’s Monologue


John Goodman’s Monologue

… John Goodman
… Tim Meadows
… Lorne Michaels

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, JohnGoodman!

John Goodman: Thank you very much! Thank you!Thank you very much! It’s really a great pleasure tobe here. This is, if you can believe it, my eighthtime hosting — and I feel great! [cheers andapplause] I’m back here, Spring is in the air and, Idon’t know if you noticed it or not, but I’ve lostsome weight — over seventy pounds. [cheers andapplause] Thank you. Seventy pounds. Took me five daysto do it … And, except for the constant vomiting andlightheadedness, I feel great. Anyway, now that I’mhosting for the eighth time, I kinda feel like I’mpart of the show’s history, hand in hand with suchgreat cast members as Bill Murray, Alan Alda, PhyliciaRashad … Herman Munster– Oh, yeah! The – the”Where’s the Beef?!” lady! … Every week, it’s thirtyminutes of magic.

[Tim Meadows, still wearing the dress he wore for thecold opening, enters and confronts Goodman]

Tim Meadows: Hey, uh, John, uh, you feelin’okay, man? What happened to the Mother’s Daymonologue?

John Goodman: Right. Sorry. [to the camera] Uh,cut! Just do another take, we’ll use that one. [to thecrowd] Uh, just– Folks, we’re just gonna do one moretake and I’ll have it, folks. I’m sorry. [turns tohead upstage but Tim grabs him]

Tim Meadows: John, John, John! What – what youdoin’, man? We’re live.

John Goodman: [overcome with silent laughter,grinning broadly] No, we’re not!

Tim Meadows: Yeah, yeah, yes, we are,man.

John Goodman: Ha! Pal, wake up! [to the crowd]I’m sorry, everyone. Apparently, my little fruityfriend here isn’t … aware that I’ve, uh, hosted theSaturday Night Fun Hour eight times — and I think I’dknow if it were live!

Tim Meadows: Yeah. But John the show’s calledSaturday Night Live. Okay? You’re live rightnow.

John Goodman: [soberly] Oh, great. Suddenly,the show’s live. … That’s okay. Live or not, I stillknow the show cold.

Tim Meadows: Okay, John. Great. [gives Goodmana pat on the back and exits]

John Goodman: Thanks. [sighs] Let’s get thisthing going, all right? [instantly adopts a supercoolveejay voice] Folks, we got a lot of great musicvideos coming up. Right now … let’s get ready forStyx. Roll the video. … [to off screen director DaveWilson] Okay, Davey, have we cut away to the video?Good. Okay, I’m gonna go to my trailer and lose somemore weight. [turns to exit, Tim rushes back in andgrabs him]

Tim Meadows: John, John, wait, man. John, whereyou goin’, man?

John Goodman: Oh, I was just gonna put my headin the diet machine while the videos are playin’ forthe kids.

Tim Meadows: Right. Okay. [to producer LorneMichaels who now enters] Hey, thank God you’re here![Tim happily hugs Lorne]

Lorne Michaels: John, listen, we’re not gonnarun any music videos.

John Goodman: Trust me, we are. And you knowhow I know how? I’ve hosted the show eight times!Eight! [quietly, to Lorne] How long haveyou been here?

Lorne Michaels: Since 1975. I’m the producer ofthe show, John.

John Goodman: [snidely] I know who you are,Leon!

Lorne Michaels: What kind of diet are you on,exactly?

John Goodman: It’s the usual. Grapefruit,Clorox, fiberglass …

Lorne Michaels: Listen, everything’s gonna befine. You’re – you’re doing great. Just – just readwhat’s on the cards.

John Goodman: [sarcastic] Thanks, Leon. …

Tim Meadows: [happily, to Lorne] You did it!You saved the show again! [high-pitched giggle, hugsLorne again]

Lorne Michaels: Easy, Fruity. … [Tim andLorne exit]

John Goodman: [enthusiastic] All right! We’vegot a great show! We’re gonna have some apes fighteach other, dressed like gladiators!

[Tim and Lorne rush on again]

Tim Meadows: John, John, John, John.

Lorne Michaels: John, that’s not what’s on thecards.

John Goodman: [quietly] I’m sorry. We really dohave a great show. Jewel is here. So, stick around.We’ll be right back.

[Cheers and applause. Goodman looks glum but Tim andLorne applaud happily and Tim hugs Lorne again as wepull back and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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