John Goodman’s Monologue

John Goodman’s Monologue

… John Goodman
… Tim Meadows
… Lorne Michaels

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, JohnGoodman!

John Goodman: Thank you very much! Thank you!Thank you very much! It’s really a great pleasure tobe here. This is, if you can believe it, my eighthtime hosting — and I feel great! [cheers andapplause] I’m back here, Spring is in the air and, Idon’t know if you noticed it or not, but I’ve lostsome weight — over seventy pounds. [cheers andapplause] Thank you. Seventy pounds. Took me five daysto do it … And, except for the constant vomiting andlightheadedness, I feel great. Anyway, now that I’mhosting for the eighth time, I kinda feel like I’mpart of the show’s history, hand in hand with suchgreat cast members as Bill Murray, Alan Alda, PhyliciaRashad … Herman Munster– Oh, yeah! The – the”Where’s the Beef?!” lady! … Every week, it’s thirtyminutes of magic.

[Tim Meadows, still wearing the dress he wore for thecold opening, enters and confronts Goodman]

Tim Meadows: Hey, uh, John, uh, you feelin’okay, man? What happened to the Mother’s Daymonologue?

John Goodman: Right. Sorry. [to the camera] Uh,cut! Just do another take, we’ll use that one. [to thecrowd] Uh, just– Folks, we’re just gonna do one moretake and I’ll have it, folks. I’m sorry. [turns tohead upstage but Tim grabs him]

Tim Meadows: John, John, John! What – what youdoin’, man? We’re live.

John Goodman: [overcome with silent laughter,grinning broadly] No, we’re not!

Tim Meadows: Yeah, yeah, yes, we are,man.

John Goodman: Ha! Pal, wake up! [to the crowd]I’m sorry, everyone. Apparently, my little fruityfriend here isn’t … aware that I’ve, uh, hosted theSaturday Night Fun Hour eight times — and I think I’dknow if it were live!

Tim Meadows: Yeah. But John the show’s calledSaturday Night Live. Okay? You’re live rightnow.

John Goodman: [soberly] Oh, great. Suddenly,the show’s live. … That’s okay. Live or not, I stillknow the show cold.

Tim Meadows: Okay, John. Great. [gives Goodmana pat on the back and exits]

John Goodman: Thanks. [sighs] Let’s get thisthing going, all right? [instantly adopts a supercoolveejay voice] Folks, we got a lot of great musicvideos coming up. Right now … let’s get ready forStyx. Roll the video. … [to off screen director DaveWilson] Okay, Davey, have we cut away to the video?Good. Okay, I’m gonna go to my trailer and lose somemore weight. [turns to exit, Tim rushes back in andgrabs him]

Tim Meadows: John, John, wait, man. John, whereyou goin’, man?

John Goodman: Oh, I was just gonna put my headin the diet machine while the videos are playin’ forthe kids.

Tim Meadows: Right. Okay. [to producer LorneMichaels who now enters] Hey, thank God you’re here![Tim happily hugs Lorne]

Lorne Michaels: John, listen, we’re not gonnarun any music videos.

John Goodman: Trust me, we are. And you knowhow I know how? I’ve hosted the show eight times!Eight! [quietly, to Lorne] How long haveyou been here?

Lorne Michaels: Since 1975. I’m the producer ofthe show, John.

John Goodman: [snidely] I know who you are,Leon!

Lorne Michaels: What kind of diet are you on,exactly?

John Goodman: It’s the usual. Grapefruit,Clorox, fiberglass …

Lorne Michaels: Listen, everything’s gonna befine. You’re – you’re doing great. Just – just readwhat’s on the cards.

John Goodman: [sarcastic] Thanks, Leon. …

Tim Meadows: [happily, to Lorne] You did it!You saved the show again! [high-pitched giggle, hugsLorne again]

Lorne Michaels: Easy, Fruity. … [Tim andLorne exit]

John Goodman: [enthusiastic] All right! We’vegot a great show! We’re gonna have some apes fighteach other, dressed like gladiators!

[Tim and Lorne rush on again]

Tim Meadows: John, John, John, John.

Lorne Michaels: John, that’s not what’s on thecards.

John Goodman: [quietly] I’m sorry. We really dohave a great show. Jewel is here. So, stick around.We’ll be right back.

[Cheers and applause. Goodman looks glum but Tim andLorne applaud happily and Tim hugs Lorne again as wepull back and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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