Collette Reardon

Collette Reardon

Collette Reardon…..Cheri Oteri
Don…..John Goodman

Collette: Hi. I need to get some… prescriptions filled. Where’s Cliff?

Don: Uh, Cliff’s at lunch. I’m Don. Wow, that’s a lot of prescriptions. Let’s see what we have here. Percodan, 1000 mg, 500 count?

Collette: Boating accident. Bruised my arm. Dr. Randazo thought I just need to take some Bufferin. For the bruise. But I sensed a touch of bursitis, so, better safe than—well, you know the rest.

Don: So, are you taking any other medications?

Collette: Well this morning I was feeling a little sluggish, so I popped a handful of Benzadrine, to get a jumpstart, you know, just a quick pick-me-up. I got errands.

Don: There’s a new pick-me-up you could try. It’s called coffee.

Collette: HA HA!

Don: I’m serious. All right, you also need a gallon jar of powdered Dilaudid?

Collette: Per Dr. Doug Yoshiki. My ear, nose and throat guy.

Don: You know, you gotta be careful with that stuff. It’s like powdered heroin.

Collette: Tell me about it. I’m diabetic.

Don: It says to inject 500 mg 12 times a day? Are you sure that’s a correct dosage?

Collette: Funny story. Dr. Swicklis got me on Darvan and Demorol. Fine. Dr. Aku has me on Tritescaline, Prozac and Thiazine.

Don: Thiazine the steroid?

Collette: Let me finish, Don. Long story short, I’m late for my hairdresser’s funeral, I cut across the lawn, slip on a fresh crap, and voila! Guess who bruised two fingers?

Don: Collette Reardon…

Collette: That’s me! So there’s that, on top of the grief, well, you must imagine how depressed I was, luckily I find five tabs of lithium at the bottom of my purse, but Mashigian, my OB/GYN, says I probably shouldn’t mix prescriptions on account of the drinking, Don. So what he suggests? The Dilaudid. Surprise!

Don: Big surprise. All right, next we have 65 mg phenobarbitol…

Collette: The same one the Heaven’s Gate’s kids used.

Don: Hold the vodka.

Collette: HA HA!

Don: I’m serious. All right, this one says 1000 buttons of religious-quality peyote.

Collette: Dr. Steve Longshoe. Practices medicine on the reservation. Good kid. GOOD KID!

Don: Mrs. Reardon, I’m not sure your HMO carries peyote, I’m not sure we even carry peyote, but why don’t you have a seat in our waiting area right over there—

Collette: I know where it is, eye candy. Say, this may be the Benzedrine talking, but you’re a slice of man meat, and this prescription says take with food, huh?

Don: Here’s a Whitman sampler on the house, now please, wait over there.

Collette: Okay.

Don: (on phone) Yes, Dr. Steve Longshoe, please. Uh, yes, doctor, I just wanted to check on a patient of yours, Collette Reardon?

Collette: Tell him I said hi, Don.

Don: (on phone) No, I didn’t mean to suggest anything, Dr. Longshoe. Okay. Yeah. Just stay off the firewater. No, I’m serious.

Collette: (singing to herself) “Little ditty ‘bout Jack and Diane, two American kids living in the heartland.”

Don: All right, Mrs. Reardon, everything seems to check out. Here are your medications.

Collette: Thanks, Don. Ooo, I better take my pills and get to work. You gotta be in top form, Don, when you’re driving a schoolbus full of kindergarteners.

Don: You gotta be careful, Mrs. Reardon. You make Courtney Love look like Amy Grant.

Collette: HA HA! Don!

Don: I’m serious.

(fade)

Submitted by: Robert Levy

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