Collette Reardon


Collette Reardon

Collette Reardon…..Cheri Oteri
Don…..John Goodman

Collette: Hi. I need to get some… prescriptions filled. Where’s Cliff?

Don: Uh, Cliff’s at lunch. I’m Don. Wow, that’s a lot of prescriptions. Let’s see what we have here. Percodan, 1000 mg, 500 count?

Collette: Boating accident. Bruised my arm. Dr. Randazo thought I just need to take some Bufferin. For the bruise. But I sensed a touch of bursitis, so, better safe than—well, you know the rest.

Don: So, are you taking any other medications?

Collette: Well this morning I was feeling a little sluggish, so I popped a handful of Benzadrine, to get a jumpstart, you know, just a quick pick-me-up. I got errands.

Don: There’s a new pick-me-up you could try. It’s called coffee.

Collette: HA HA!

Don: I’m serious. All right, you also need a gallon jar of powdered Dilaudid?

Collette: Per Dr. Doug Yoshiki. My ear, nose and throat guy.

Don: You know, you gotta be careful with that stuff. It’s like powdered heroin.

Collette: Tell me about it. I’m diabetic.

Don: It says to inject 500 mg 12 times a day? Are you sure that’s a correct dosage?

Collette: Funny story. Dr. Swicklis got me on Darvan and Demorol. Fine. Dr. Aku has me on Tritescaline, Prozac and Thiazine.

Don: Thiazine the steroid?

Collette: Let me finish, Don. Long story short, I’m late for my hairdresser’s funeral, I cut across the lawn, slip on a fresh crap, and voila! Guess who bruised two fingers?

Don: Collette Reardon…

Collette: That’s me! So there’s that, on top of the grief, well, you must imagine how depressed I was, luckily I find five tabs of lithium at the bottom of my purse, but Mashigian, my OB/GYN, says I probably shouldn’t mix prescriptions on account of the drinking, Don. So what he suggests? The Dilaudid. Surprise!

Don: Big surprise. All right, next we have 65 mg phenobarbitol…

Collette: The same one the Heaven’s Gate’s kids used.

Don: Hold the vodka.

Collette: HA HA!

Don: I’m serious. All right, this one says 1000 buttons of religious-quality peyote.

Collette: Dr. Steve Longshoe. Practices medicine on the reservation. Good kid. GOOD KID!

Don: Mrs. Reardon, I’m not sure your HMO carries peyote, I’m not sure we even carry peyote, but why don’t you have a seat in our waiting area right over there—

Collette: I know where it is, eye candy. Say, this may be the Benzedrine talking, but you’re a slice of man meat, and this prescription says take with food, huh?

Don: Here’s a Whitman sampler on the house, now please, wait over there.

Collette: Okay.

Don: (on phone) Yes, Dr. Steve Longshoe, please. Uh, yes, doctor, I just wanted to check on a patient of yours, Collette Reardon?

Collette: Tell him I said hi, Don.

Don: (on phone) No, I didn’t mean to suggest anything, Dr. Longshoe. Okay. Yeah. Just stay off the firewater. No, I’m serious.

Collette: (singing to herself) “Little ditty ‘bout Jack and Diane, two American kids living in the heartland.”

Don: All right, Mrs. Reardon, everything seems to check out. Here are your medications.

Collette: Thanks, Don. Ooo, I better take my pills and get to work. You gotta be in top form, Don, when you’re driving a schoolbus full of kindergarteners.

Don: You gotta be careful, Mrs. Reardon. You make Courtney Love look like Amy Grant.

Collette: HA HA! Don!

Don: I’m serious.


Submitted by: Robert Levy

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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