Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
Dominican Lou … Tracy Morgan
… Will Ferrell
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, basking inthe applause. He removes the clip from his sheaf ofpapers and clears his throat.]
Norm MacDonald: Thanks. I’m Norm MacDonald andnow the fake news. Our top story tonight:
In court documents made public this week, independentcounsel Kenneth Starr told a federal judge thatHillary Clinton is now a, quote, “central figure” inthe Whitewater criminal probe. Reacting to the news,President Clinton called the investigation “a partisanwitch hunt,” vowing, quote, “If the First Lady issomehow convicted and has to go to jail, I will doeverything in my power to wait two weeks to startdating.” … [applause and a few cheers]
Meanwhile, FBI Director Louis Freeh said this weekthat Attorney General Janet Reno might have a conflictof interest in her investigation of Democraticfundraising. Freeh also pointed out that Reno mighthave a conflict of interest between her X and Ychromosomes.
There was some good news for Michael Kennedy this weekwhen the parents of the teenage babysitter with whomhe had a five year affair decided not to pursuecriminal charges. However, a lawyer for thebabysitter’s family called Kennedy a, quote, “sick,pathetic individual,” while the County DistrictAttorney described him as a, quote, “alcoholic cradlerobber.” The only kind words came from his uncle,Senator Ted Kennedy, who called him, quote, “aninspiration.” … [cheers and applause]
Real estate mogul Donald Trump announced this weekthat after three-and-a-half years of marriage he isseeking a divorce from wife Marla Maples. According toTrump, Maples violated part of their marriageagreement when she decided to turn thirty. … Thatwas – unacceptable!
At their annual convention this week, board members ofthe National Rifle Association narrowly elected actorCharlton Heston vice-president of the powerful gunlobby. According to Heston, his first priority will bea push to legalize the hunting of, quote, “damn dirtyapes”!
In Alabama, a new state law will dramatically increasethe penalty for bouncing a check. [Norm pulls taperecorder out of his pocket, activates it and speaksinto it] Note to self: Cancel summer vacation plans inAlabama. Find state more accommodating to the NormMacDonald lifestyle. [nods, grins, pocketsrecorder]
On Wednesday, world chess champion Gary Kasparov tiedDeep Blue, the IBM supercomputer that can examine twohundred million positions per second, in the fourthgame of their six game series. Earlier in the week,Kasparov admitted he made a catastrophic blunder ingame two when he failed to force a draw by moving rookto e8, opting instead for a Caro Kann defense thatsoon transposed into a Pribyl defense which, afterDeep Blue moved bishop to e7, gave him the advantagewith his ninth position. With all due respect to Mr.Kasparov … What the hell were you thinking?
Norm MacDonald: Here with a further comment onthe Kasparov/Deep Blue match is Weekend Update chesscorrespondent, and building superintendent at 901Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our own Dominican Lou!Hi, Dominican Lou.
[Cheers and applause for Dominican Lou, a cheerful manwith a thick Dominican accent who waves to thecrowd.]
Dominican Lou: Gracias, gracias. Gracias. Thankyou, Norm. I watching the chess player against thecomputer Deep Blue. I know how he feels. I playdominoes last week with Felix. He live up the block.He always bragging about nobody can beat him. But Ibea’ him. I bea’ him, Norm!
Norm MacDonald: Oh, you –?
Dominican Lou: I bea’ him!
Norm MacDonald: Oh, that’s great. You beat him,huh?
Dominican Lou: I bea’ him!
Norm MacDonald: Ya beat him?
Dominican Lou: I bea’ him.
Norm MacDonald: You beat him?
Dominican Lou: [reluctantly tells the truth]No, I lose to him. … But if I can get the computerto come to my block, then I can teach the computer toplay dominoes. Then the computer can bea’ him. They -then he shut up.
Norm MacDonald: Well, I–
Dominican Lou: He can bea’ him.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah. I – I don’t think that’sgonna happen, Lou. I – I don’t think that the computeris gonna learn dominoes.
Dominican Lou: No. I play all of my life. I canteach the computer to play dominoes in one day. Andthen it can bea’ him.
Norm MacDonald: No, no …
Dominican Lou: It can bea’ him!
Norm MacDonald: No, no, that’s – that’s notwhat I – that’s not what I mean, uh, Dominican Lou. Imean, I don’t think it’s – it’s thatimportant.
Dominican Lou: No. It’s important if you knowFelix. He’s a big mouth.
Norm MacDonald: [thinks he understands] Ahhh! Isee. So what you’re saying, then, is that this is notabout you and Felix. This is about the age-old battleof man versus machine.
Dominican Lou: Nooo. It’s basically about Felixand the mo’chine. Felix versus the mo’chine. You hearthat, Felix? Norm is going to bring his computer andhe’s going to give you– he’s going to whip you’ ass!
Norm MacDonald: No, no, I’m not.
Dominican Lou: He is not afraid of you and yourbrothers! Come down to the studio!
Norm MacDonald: No, no, I am.
Dominican Lou: Come down here!
Norm MacDonald: No, don’t do that. I am.
Dominican Lou: He bust you up good!
Norm MacDonald: No, I’m afraid of you, Felix!
Dominican Lou: He bea’ you!
Norm MacDonald: Dominican Lou, everybody![cheers and applause]
Dominican Lou: Come down!
Norm MacDonald: No, don’t do that. I’m deathlyafraid of Felix.
This week – this week, New York Senator Al D’Amatorepeated his claim that, during the Second World War,Switzerland aided the Nazi war effort and helpedlaunder money stolen from Jews. These charges are theresults of a lengthy, thorough investigation by thesenator which proves, quote, “beyond a shadow of adoubt” that New York has lots and lots of Jewishvoters, and no Swiss voters.
Last week in Cleveland, the rock group Crosby, Stillsand Nash was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall ofFame. In addition, a special lifetime achievementaward was presented to David Crosby’s liver. [Photo ofa liver] … Congratulations, David Crosby’sliver.
In other music news, Paul McCartney will take part inhis first live online chat May the 17th and a recordtwo-and-a-half million calls have already come in frompeople hoping to have an actual moment of contact withthe former Beatle. Although it should be noted thattwo million of those calls came from Ringo Starr, so… When you factor that into it– Yeah, I’ll go overhere– [turns to another camera]
In Washington, D.C., public school officials areasking parents to help pay for needed equipment suchas a new state-of-the-art surveillance system that onearea school has requested. According to the school’sprincipal, the new system will help him monitorcheerleaders that he claims like to vandalize schoolproperty while showering. … I don’t think he’s agood principal at all, that character.
And, in North Carolina, the Bowman Gray School ofMedicine is looking for twenty habitual marijuanasmokers who they’ll provide with free pot in order tostudy the effects of the drug. [takes out recorderagain, crowd cheers and applauds anticipating thejoke] … Note to self: Spend summer vacation atBowman Gray School of Medicine and … maybe takeTimmy Meadows along with you. [pockets recorder,cheers and applause]
In an attempt to secure federal funding, a rural Idahocounty wants the State Transportation Board todesignate some of its roads as “back country byways.”To strengthen their case, local officials plan tosexually assault Ned Beatty. [Photo of actor NedBeatty, well-remembered for his role as the rednecks’rape victim in the film “Deliverance”]
Norm MacDonald: Well, by now, most of you haveseen, or heard, about last week’s episode of “Ellen”in which the main character, played by EllenDeGeneres, announced that she is gay. Here to commenton “Ellen,” our very own Will Ferrell. Hi, Will.[cheers and applause for Will Ferrell who looks nattyin a suit and tie]
Will Ferrell: Hi, Norm, thank you. Likeeveryone in the country, I saw the historic episode of”Ellen” and, of course, I loved it. I don’t know whatit is but when a first class comedian spoofs gaypeople, it always makes me laugh. Hey, let’s face it,gays are funny. I loved Billy Crystal on “Soap” andthat Harvey Fierstein impression of a homosexualcouldn’t be more dead-on. Heck, even I do a funny gayguy around the office. You know, Judy Garland,fresh-cut flowers, interior decorating. It’s all ingood fun. Why not? I’m no homophobe. So, EllenDeGeneres, I salute you. There’s no controversy here.She’s just a damn good comedian who’s able to get goodlaughs pretending she’s a lesbian. And if that’swrong, then that’s my kinda wrong!
Norm MacDonald: Well, well, Will, now, she’s -she’s not exactly pretending.
Will Ferrell: How’s that?
Norm MacDonald: I mean, she wasn’t on the coverof Time Magazine for pretending she was gay. She – shereally is gay.
Will Ferrell: Ellen DeGeneres is gay? The – thereal Ellen DeGeneres?
Norm MacDonald: Yes. She’s a lesbian.
Will Ferrell: [suddenly looks ill] Oh, my god… Oh– I’m gonna be sick. [puts a hand to his mouthand turns away from Norm] Oh, God– [yellow vomitspews out of his mouth onto the floor]
Norm MacDonald: God, are – are you okay there,buddy? I–
Will Ferrell: No!
Norm MacDonald: Will, Will, are you – are youall right?
Will Ferrell: No, I’m not!
Norm MacDonald: It – it – it – it’s not a bigdeal. … [Will puts his head down on the desk (inpart to conceal the vomit leaking from thepuke-spewing device hidden in his sleeve)] Will, it’sokay. It’s okay. She just has– She has sex with -with women, that’s all. She has–
Will Ferrell: God, why did you put that dirty,sickening imagine in my mind?! Oh, no, here it comesagain! [pukes again, all over the desk]
Norm MacDonald: Good God, she’s just alesbian!
Will Ferrell: Oh, stop it please! Sto– [stillmore puke, this time in Norm’s direction – Norm backsaway, arms in the air – Will falls out of his chairand drops to the floor, disappearing behind the desk]
Norm MacDonald: There’s Will Ferrell,everybody! [applause and cheers] Will Ferrell. [Normpicks up his vomit-speckled sheaf of papers gingerly,then sets it next to the puddle of puke atop the desk,wiping his hands as he reads the next item:]
Well, in Albany, New York, Susan John has asked toresign as chairwoman of the State Assembly Alcohol andDrug Abuse Committee following her arrest ondrunk-driving charges. On the bright side for Ms.John, she has been asked to chair the Assembly’sCommittee on Irony. … [pulls out tape recorder] Noteto self: Never ever follow a vomit-spewing guy with ajoke.
[Norm pockets the recorder, then scoops up some vomitoff the desk with his bare hand and eats it – thehorrified crowd groans and hollers loudly – Norm givesthe crowd a look, as if to say, “What’s the bigdeal?”] It’s good, it’s quite good! [licking hisfingers] Normally, I – Normally, I don’t like WillFerrell vomit but this is actually very good! …[still licking his fingers] Let’s just end it! Folks!That’s the news. Good night!
[Applause. Norm cautiously takes the microphone offhis necktie. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]