Jerry “Steve” Dave

Jerry “Steve” Dave

Molly … Molly Shannon
Mr. Bradley … Jeff Goldblum
Mr. Dave … Tim Meadows

[Receptionist Molly enters a plush executive officewith a file folder and approaches her boss, Mr.Bradley, who sits at his stylish desk. Both aredressed expensively but tastefully. Reproductions ofpaintings by fine modern artists decorate the paneledwalls.]

Molly: Mmm. Uh, Mr. Dave is here to see you,sir.

Mr. Bradley: Who?

Molly: Uh, Mr. Dave, he’s, uh, he’s here tointerview for the engineer position.

Mr. Bradley: Oh, right, right, right. Did hefill out an, a, uh, an application?

Molly: Yeah, he did. [hands him the filefolder] It’s right – it’s right in here …

Mr. Bradley: Okay.

Molly: … so you can look at that.

Mr. Bradley: Thank you. Send him rightin.

Molly: Okay. [calls to Mr. Dave] Mr. Dave?Right this way.

[Molly exits once Mr. Dave enters, wearing an oldyellow shirt that reads HAWAII ’88. He shakes handswith Mr. Bradley who is stunned at Mr. Dave’sastonishingly casual dress for a high-tech jobinterview.]

Mr. Dave: Hey! Thanks for seein’ me, Mr.Bradley!

Mr. Bradley: Hi…

Mr. Dave: Yeah.

Mr. Bradley: … Mr. Dave. Have a seat. Mypleasure. [they sit] Say, can I give you a tip for thefuture? This – this shirt you’re wearing …?

Mr. Dave: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [proudly] I gotthis in Hawaii in 1988. … You can’t get ’em any moreand this one is NOT for sale.

Mr. Bradley: [decides not to say anything aboutit] Oh, okay. … [reads the application] Uh, well,let’s just – let’s just go ‘head and see what yourapplication says, Mr. Jerry Dave.

Mr. Dave: Yeah, but, uh, you can call me”Steve.”

Mr. Bradley: [gives him a look] Okay, Steve.[consults application] Uh, when asked why you wantedthe job of engineer, you put, “To fake an injury andsue you. No, just kidding.” … “To make free Xeroxesof my one-man show, entitled ‘Jerry “Steve” Dave’sSongs in the Key of Steve’ – Just kidding again.” [Mr.Dave laughs, grins, nods his head at his joke] Uh,”Really, so I can buy a boatload of fireworks andcelebrate the Fourth of July in style.”

Mr. Dave: Yeah, you know, I have two loves inmy life — uh, Fourth of July and, of course,teamwork.

Mr. Bradley: Really? And yet, and yet, on yourapplication, you put here, “Teamwork is for suckers.When I’m hired, I will do to teamwork what Napoleondid to Japan.”

Mr. Dave: Yeah, he – he conquered Japan,right?

Mr. Bradley: No.

Mr. Dave: [turns on the charm] Come on, man.I’m Jerry “Steve” Dave, the Magic Man! [grins, wiggleshis eyebrows]

Mr. Bradley: [taken aback] Okay. I – I’m notsure what that means, uh, but, uh, you know, this -this job requires, uh, a college degree in the fieldof electrical engineering and, uh, for education, yousay here you’ve completed “a few freestyle potterycourses at the Learning Annex.” So–

Mr. Dave: Yeah, yeah, see, I’ve been reallyhittin’ the books really hard lately to show that I’m,um — what’s the word I’m lookin’ for?Supergood! Yeah, that’s the word. I’m – I’mreally supergood at things.

Mr. Bradley: Okay. “Super good” is two words,by the way. But, uh, ah … Say, let me – let me askyou something. Uh …

Mr. Dave: Mm hmm?

Mr. Bradley: Wh – where do you see yourself in,like, say, uh, ten years?

Mr. Dave: Wow. Ten years. That’s a long asstime, man. … Um, I don’t know what I’m gonna bedoin’ but it would definitely involve this souped-upKawasaki jet ski …

Mr. Bradley: Uh huh.

Mr. Dave: That’s right, you heard me. … And,uh, let’s see, uh, I don’t know, what else did I puton that application there?

Mr. Bradley: Ah, that “my ten year goal is toget a souped-up Kawasaki jet ski.” Ah, that’s all youwrote.

Mr. Dave: Yeah? Well, that’s all I want! …[smiles, claps his hands together and rubs thementhusiastically] So, when do I start?

Mr. Bradley: Mr. Dave, uh, I’m gonna be honestwith ya. I really don’t think, uh, that you – that youthought this thing through.

Mr. Dave: Really? Did I happen to mention thatI have “101 Dalmatians” on laserdisc? [winks broadly,clicks his tongue]

Mr. Bradley: [rises] N-no, you didn’t. Uh, so,uh, listen, I’m sure you want to get on with your day,so we gotta – we gotta let you leave.

Mr. Dave: [threateningly] You shouldleave.

Mr. Bradley: [more confused than scared]What?

Mr. Dave: [instantly nonchalant] Nothin’.[smiles, rises]

Mr. Bradley: Okay. Come on. Let’s go. [the twomen walk to the door]

Mr. Dave: You’re makin’ a big mistake, man.

Mr. Bradley: Well–

Mr. Dave: [grandly] I am Jerry “Steve” Dave,the Magic Man!

Mr. Bradley: [opening the door for Mr. Dave]You said that before, you said that before. Thanks somuch. [offers to shake hands]

Mr. Dave: Hey, you, uh, you wanna get stoned?[pulls out a joint and holds it up]

Mr. Bradley: What? My God in Heaven, please![pushes Mr. Dave out the door] Get out of here. [Mr.Dave exits, a shaken Mr. Bradley calls for hisreceptionist] Molly! Molly! Jesus. [Mr. Bradley shutsthe door and looks baffled as we fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

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