Jerry “Steve” Dave


Jerry “Steve” Dave

Molly … Molly Shannon
Mr. Bradley … Jeff Goldblum
Mr. Dave … Tim Meadows

[Receptionist Molly enters a plush executive officewith a file folder and approaches her boss, Mr.Bradley, who sits at his stylish desk. Both aredressed expensively but tastefully. Reproductions ofpaintings by fine modern artists decorate the paneledwalls.]

Molly: Mmm. Uh, Mr. Dave is here to see you,sir.

Mr. Bradley: Who?

Molly: Uh, Mr. Dave, he’s, uh, he’s here tointerview for the engineer position.

Mr. Bradley: Oh, right, right, right. Did hefill out an, a, uh, an application?

Molly: Yeah, he did. [hands him the filefolder] It’s right – it’s right in here …

Mr. Bradley: Okay.

Molly: … so you can look at that.

Mr. Bradley: Thank you. Send him rightin.

Molly: Okay. [calls to Mr. Dave] Mr. Dave?Right this way.

[Molly exits once Mr. Dave enters, wearing an oldyellow shirt that reads HAWAII ’88. He shakes handswith Mr. Bradley who is stunned at Mr. Dave’sastonishingly casual dress for a high-tech jobinterview.]

Mr. Dave: Hey! Thanks for seein’ me, Mr.Bradley!

Mr. Bradley: Hi…

Mr. Dave: Yeah.

Mr. Bradley: … Mr. Dave. Have a seat. Mypleasure. [they sit] Say, can I give you a tip for thefuture? This – this shirt you’re wearing …?

Mr. Dave: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [proudly] I gotthis in Hawaii in 1988. … You can’t get ’em any moreand this one is NOT for sale.

Mr. Bradley: [decides not to say anything aboutit] Oh, okay. … [reads the application] Uh, well,let’s just – let’s just go ‘head and see what yourapplication says, Mr. Jerry Dave.

Mr. Dave: Yeah, but, uh, you can call me”Steve.”

Mr. Bradley: [gives him a look] Okay, Steve.[consults application] Uh, when asked why you wantedthe job of engineer, you put, “To fake an injury andsue you. No, just kidding.” … “To make free Xeroxesof my one-man show, entitled ‘Jerry “Steve” Dave’sSongs in the Key of Steve’ – Just kidding again.” [Mr.Dave laughs, grins, nods his head at his joke] Uh,”Really, so I can buy a boatload of fireworks andcelebrate the Fourth of July in style.”

Mr. Dave: Yeah, you know, I have two loves inmy life — uh, Fourth of July and, of course,teamwork.

Mr. Bradley: Really? And yet, and yet, on yourapplication, you put here, “Teamwork is for suckers.When I’m hired, I will do to teamwork what Napoleondid to Japan.”

Mr. Dave: Yeah, he – he conquered Japan,right?

Mr. Bradley: No.

Mr. Dave: [turns on the charm] Come on, man.I’m Jerry “Steve” Dave, the Magic Man! [grins, wiggleshis eyebrows]

Mr. Bradley: [taken aback] Okay. I – I’m notsure what that means, uh, but, uh, you know, this -this job requires, uh, a college degree in the fieldof electrical engineering and, uh, for education, yousay here you’ve completed “a few freestyle potterycourses at the Learning Annex.” So–

Mr. Dave: Yeah, yeah, see, I’ve been reallyhittin’ the books really hard lately to show that I’m,um — what’s the word I’m lookin’ for?Supergood! Yeah, that’s the word. I’m – I’mreally supergood at things.

Mr. Bradley: Okay. “Super good” is two words,by the way. But, uh, ah … Say, let me – let me askyou something. Uh …

Mr. Dave: Mm hmm?

Mr. Bradley: Wh – where do you see yourself in,like, say, uh, ten years?

Mr. Dave: Wow. Ten years. That’s a long asstime, man. … Um, I don’t know what I’m gonna bedoin’ but it would definitely involve this souped-upKawasaki jet ski …

Mr. Bradley: Uh huh.

Mr. Dave: That’s right, you heard me. … And,uh, let’s see, uh, I don’t know, what else did I puton that application there?

Mr. Bradley: Ah, that “my ten year goal is toget a souped-up Kawasaki jet ski.” Ah, that’s all youwrote.

Mr. Dave: Yeah? Well, that’s all I want! …[smiles, claps his hands together and rubs thementhusiastically] So, when do I start?

Mr. Bradley: Mr. Dave, uh, I’m gonna be honestwith ya. I really don’t think, uh, that you – that youthought this thing through.

Mr. Dave: Really? Did I happen to mention thatI have “101 Dalmatians” on laserdisc? [winks broadly,clicks his tongue]

Mr. Bradley: [rises] N-no, you didn’t. Uh, so,uh, listen, I’m sure you want to get on with your day,so we gotta – we gotta let you leave.

Mr. Dave: [threateningly] You shouldleave.

Mr. Bradley: [more confused than scared]What?

Mr. Dave: [instantly nonchalant] Nothin’.[smiles, rises]

Mr. Bradley: Okay. Come on. Let’s go. [the twomen walk to the door]

Mr. Dave: You’re makin’ a big mistake, man.

Mr. Bradley: Well–

Mr. Dave: [grandly] I am Jerry “Steve” Dave,the Magic Man!

Mr. Bradley: [opening the door for Mr. Dave]You said that before, you said that before. Thanks somuch. [offers to shake hands]

Mr. Dave: Hey, you, uh, you wanna get stoned?[pulls out a joint and holds it up]

Mr. Bradley: What? My God in Heaven, please![pushes Mr. Dave out the door] Get out of here. [Mr.Dave exits, a shaken Mr. Bradley calls for hisreceptionist] Molly! Molly! Jesus. [Mr. Bradley shutsthe door and looks baffled as we fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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