Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 1
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
September 27th, 1997
Sylvester Stallone
Jamiroquai
None
Richard Jewell
OprahSummary: Marv Albert (Norm MacDonald) discusses his bizarre sexual fetishes with Oprah Winfrey (Tim Meadows).
Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, Marc Albert, Mike Tyson.
Transcript
Montage
Sylvester Stallone’s MonologueSummary: Rocky’s fight mananger, Mickey (Jim Breuer), helps Sylvester Stallone prepare to do a monologue befitting of a champ.
Recurring Characters: Mr. T.
Bio: Sylvester Stallone (1946-). Actor/director/producer/screenwriter; wrote and starred in the 1976 Academy Award winning Best Picture, “Rocky”, which has spawned five sequels; also starred in the Rambo film series, beginning with “First Blood” (1982); a shareholder of the Planet Hollywood restaurant franchise.
Xerox Assjet 790Summary: The printer that perfects ass duplication every time.
Rita’s New CarSummary: Rita DelVecchio (Cheri Oteri) is thrilled about the new Cadillac her husband Vinnie (Sylvester Stallone) just bought, until she finds out her neighbor Janelle (Molly Shannon) got the first ride before her.
Recurring Characters: Rita DelVecchio.
Transcript
Car AccidentSummary: After witnessing a horrific automobile accident, Sylvester Stallone attempts to comfort the dying victim (Norm MacDonald) who keeps badmouthing all of his movies.
Transcript
The Roxbury GuysSummary: Steve (Will Ferrell) and Doug Butabi (Chris Kattan) take Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) club-hopping, where they learn that the nimble boxer doesn’t know how to dance.
Recurring Characters: Steve Butabi, Doug Butabi.
Transcript
Reno’s InvestigationSummary: Janet Reno (Will Ferrell) takes a sock in the chest from Richard Jewell.
Recurring Characters: Janet Reno, President Bill Clinton.
TV FunhouseSummary: Robert Smigel has “Fun With Real Audio” by giving Humphrey Bogart problems with flatulence during outtakes from “Casablanca.”
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Cinder Calhoun (Ana Gasteyer) sings “Sausage of Pain.” Norm MacDonald interrogates wrongly-accused Olympic Park bomber suspect, Richard Jewell.
Recurring Characters: Cinder Calhoun.
Transcript
Jamiroquai performs “Alright”Summary: As Sylvester Stallone introduces the night’s musical guest, a riled-up Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) demands to know why he wasn’t ask to co-star in “Copland” with the other Martin Scorcese regulars.
Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci.
Bio: English acid jazz/funk/soul band; members: Jason Kay, Derrick McKenzie, Sola Akingbola, Toby Smith, Wallis Buchanan, Simon Katz, Stuart Zender, DJ D-Zire – Turntables, John Thirkell.
Orange JuliusSummary: A demented computer salesman (Sylvester Stallone) longs for the days when the building was still an Orange Julius.
Transcript
The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey reflects on a mosquito trying to suck blood from a mummy.
Transcript
Planet HollywoodSummary: Two of Sylvester Stallone’s biggest fans (Tracy Morgan, Jim Breuer) bother him at the opening of the newest Planet Hollywood.
Transcript
Lou’s Lovely DaughtersSummary: Aging dad, Lou (Sylvester Stallone), uses a cable access show in his desperate attempt to find husbands for his less-than-appealing adult daughters.
Recurring Characters: Francesca, Maria, Josephine.
Transcript
More Songs I Rewrote To Honor Dead PeopleSummary: Elton John (Will Ferrell) has retooled “Candle in the Wind” in honor of Princess Di, but that’s just the beginning of his self-plagierism.
Recurring Characters: Elton John.
Note: This sketch had to be cut off early because the show was running long. It aired in full a few weeks later, when it was edited into a repeat of an episode hosted by Rob Lowe from the previous season. Incidentally, that repeat had previously been interrupted by the news of Princess Di’s death, and the same edited rebroadcast resurfaced during a Classic SNL airing years later.
GoodnightsTranscript
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