SNL Transcripts: Sylvester Stallone: 09/27/97: Orange Julius


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 1





97a: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai

Orange Julius

Customer…..Will Ferrell
Leon…..Sylvester Stallone
Wallace…..Tim Meadows

[ Open on interior, computer store ]

Customer: I run a small business out of my home, and I’m looking for a personal computer with a Pentium Processor.

Leon: Well, this computer over here really kicks ass. So, will that be cash or charge?

Customer: Th-this is nice, but it doesn’t have a Pentium Processor.

Leon: No, but you got to ask yourself, in 1997, who really needs one of those Pa-sonium Pa-cess-isers?

Customer: Pentium Processors. And, yes, I do.

Leon: Yeah, but this computer isboss! [ mumbles ]

Customer: It may be boss, but I need a Pentium Processor. Do you even know what one is?

Leon: Well.. I-I worked in this store since it was an Orange Julius, so.. no, I don’t..

Customer: Well.. can I talk to someone who does know?

Leon: Sure, I’ll get someone.. [ he walks to a back room, then resurfaces a moment later ] No one knows.

Customer: No one in the store knows what a Pentium Processor is??

Leon: No, no. As a matter of fact, I asked a lot of people. In fact, Doug the manager told me that you’re probably a crazy street person coming off the street, just talking gibberish words.

Customer: Pentium Processor isn’t gibberish! Anyone who works in a computer store should know that!

Leon: Are you calling Doug, my manager, a liar?

Customer: This.. this is ridiculous!

Leon: I’ll tell you what is ridiculous. I’ll tell you – you know, in this day and age, for a crazy guy to come in this store asking for a Kryptonite Processor-izer.

Wallace: [ entering the scene ] I’m sorry.. is there a problem here?

Customer: Yes, there is. Are you Doug, the manager?

Wallace: Uh, there’s no Doug working here. I’m Wallace.

Customer: [ confused ] Okay, well.. this guy told me you don’t have Pentium Processors.

Wallace: [ pointing forward ] Well, here’s one right here.

Customer: [ relieved ] Thank you!

Wallace: Sure. Pleasure to help. You got this one there, Leon?

Leon: No problem, Doug! [ Wallace exits to back of store ]

Customer: His name’s Wallace!

Leon: No, I forget sometimes.. you see, my old manager at the Orange Julius is named Doug, and, uh.. anyway, I think I should tell you, the.. uh.. computer you’re looking at is for gays.

Customer: What?!

Leon: Gays, gays, gays, gays.. [ looking around the store ] You know what you want? You want one of these computers over here where the food comes out of, you know? It’s right here.. [ points to a vending machine ] This is a “Star Trek” computer..

Customer: That’s.. that’s a vending machine..

Leon: No, no, no.. it’s a very tricky computer. If you push A-1, these chips come out like that. But you have to be very smart to operate it, because.. uh.. you have to be kind of like Captain Clark.

Customer: You mean, Captain Kirk.

Leon: [ thinking about it ] Clark. Captain Clark. [ pause ] Do you want an Orange Julius?

Customer: [ upset, looking around frantically ] Can we get Wallace back in here?!

Wallace: [ walking back in ] There you are! Is everything alright?

Leon: [ smiling, pointing to vending machine ] He wants to buy this computer.

Wallace: I’m sorry, Sir. That’s not a computer, that’s a vending machine.

Customer: I don’t want to buy the vending machine.

Leon: Aw, but, come on, can’t we make him a special deal, or something? This is a good one..

Wallace: Well.. I guess we can call the manufacturer..

Customer: [ furious ] No! I don’t want to buy that!

Wallace: I’m terribly sorry, Sir. Was there a problem with this computer here? [ acknowledges the one he pointed out earlier ]

Customer: He said it was for gays!

Wallace: [ thinking how to remedy the situation ] You’re doing a great job, Leon! [ pulls customer aside, as Leon exits to back room ] Can I talk to you over here for a second, Sir?

Customer: What is this guy’s problem?

Wallace: Look.. uh.. that’s Leon. He’s a good guy. He used to work at the Orange Julius that was here before..

Customer: Yeah.. he told me..

Wallace: Well, when they closed the Orange Julius, he wouldn’t leave. So, the day we moved in, we found him sleeping in the back on the floor. He stood up with a cup of nails and said, “Uh, do you want to buy a cup of Orange Julius?”

Customer: [ shocked ] Oh, my God..

Wallace: Yeah.. so, just do the guy a favor – buy the vending machine.

Customer: What?! No! I’m not..

Wallace: Look, it’s not that much money. It’s, like, $3,900.

Leon: [ walking back in ] Doug? Doug? I just got the paperwork started for this Star Trek Potato Chip machine computer..

Wallace: [ encouraging ] Alright! Good job, Leon! Will that be cash or charge, sir?

Customer: [ angry ] I’m not buying the vending machine!

Leon: Look, Mister, you seem nice, but.. the truth is, I don’t, I don’t got much, you know? [ piano music over background ] A couple years ago.. I was working.. at Julius, and I was a bigshot! I really was. But then they shut us down.. and I tried to open my own Orange Julius, but everyone got sick, really sick, and some died and everything. But.. I don’t know.. maybe I’m just not a lucky guy.. and, and, and, and.. maybe, a guy like me doesn’t deserve anything like that..

Customer: No, Leon. You’re a wonderful man. With a big heart. And I think today’s your lucky day. Because, I’m Samuel K. Julius, grandson of the founder of Orange Julius.

Leon: [ excited ] YOU ARE?!!

Customer: Yes, I am. And I think you’re just the man to head up our brand new European division. How does that sound, Leon? Would you like to sell Orange Juliuses in Germany?

Leon: WOULD I EVER!! [ hugs customer ] [ cut to Leon working counter of Orange Julius in Germany ]

Leon: [ Says “Welcome to Orange Julius” in German ] It’s a dream come true!!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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