Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 1
Lou’s Lovely Daughters
Voice of Salvatore…..Darrell Hammond
[ Music Over: “The Men In My Little Girl’s Life”, Mike Douglas ] [ open on tight shot of show title over old picture of Lou and his three daughters when they were cute kids ] [ pull out to reveal an older Lou with two of his daughters, who have since grown up to be quite unpleasant to the eye ]
Lou: [ chuckles ] Hey, Josephine! Come on, Sweetie, the show’s starting.. please?
Voice of Josephine: [ from upstairs ] I’m not coming down there, I wouldn’t be caught DEAD on your STUPID show!!
Lou: Hello, everybody. Welcome to “Lou’s Lovely Daughters”. I’m Lou, and these are my two lovely daughters, Francesca and Marie. And my younger daughter up there, Josephine, she’s upstairs..
Voice of Josephine: [ from upstairs ] Go to hell!!
Lou: [ laughs ] She has a great sense of humor, that Josephine! Wave to the camera, girls! [ Francesca and Marie wave awkwardly ] Aren’t they beautiful? Okay, I’m gonna be straight with you here.. I raised them by myself from the time they was very little, and on account of their mother dying from a slip on the ice in front of Vito’s Steakhouse – [ they all sign the cross ] God rest her soul – some people can say I should get a free dinner from that Vito.. really..
Voice of Josephine: [ from upstairs ] You probably killed her yourself!!
Lou: My Josephine, she’s very lively, okay? Anyway, I done a good job with them on a baker’s salary. But I mean, come on, enough is enough, capiche? It’s time, listen here.. if you want to date one of my daughters, give me a call – I’ll throw in a dozen fresh rolls. [ grabs Francesca’s arm ] Now, this is Francesca. Truth? Not for nothing, she’s no Raquel Welch. But she’s special like her old man, isn’t that right, Francesca?[ phone number 718-555-0100 flashes onscreen ]
Francesca: [ shy ] Yeah, if you say so, Dad!
Lou: And I’m telling you, this is the truth, she does the best impression of Mae West, it’s out of this world, go on, show them..
Francesca: Dad..! I haven’t done that since fourth grade..!
Lou: I know, honey.. please.. you got a gift, share it with the people of the world, come on..
Francesca: Alright.. [ stands ] “Hey.. come on up and see me sometime, big boy.”
Lou: [ claps ] What can I tell you! She’s a star! I’m blessed! I’m blessed! Come on, give me a call, please! Now.. maybe this is a good time to share your news, honey.
Francesca: [ shy ] Daaadd..!
Lou: Come on, come on!
Francesca: [ pause ] I lost 3 pounds..
Lou: [ claps ] Isn’t that terrific, everbody! She joined the Jenny Craig.. Come on, stand up and show them your new figure, come on, please, please..
Francesca: [ stands and poses ]
Lou: The kid looks like a movie star! I’m blessed.. I’m blessed.. [ phone rings ] Girls, we got a call! [ answers ] Hello?
Voice of Salvatore: Hiya, Lou.
Lou: Salvatore, what do you want? Sal, I’m doing a show, what do you want?
Voice of Salvatore: Forget about it. You come to the club, you play some cards – let ’em find their own dates.
Lou: Sal, I gotta go, you’re tying up the line. That means some kid who owns a suit might be trying to get through.
Voice of Salvatore: Okay.
Lou: Aw, come on..
Voice of Salvatore: Okay.
Lou: [ hangs up ] Josephine, hurry up, you’re missing the whole show!
Voice of Josephine: [ from upstairs ] Go suck an egg, Pop!!
Lou: “Go suck an egg, Pop!” [ laughs ] Francesca, go get your sister, please, but please hurry up, we’re running out of time, okay?[ Francesca runs upstairs ]
Marie: Dad? What about me?
Lou: [ hugs her ] Oh, sure, darling! I was just getting to you! And now, we’re getting to the musical genius of the family! Marie here can play any Tony Bennett song on the accordian! Play, play the music.
Marie: [ stands and plays her accordian ]
Lou: Is she something? Come on, call! What’s the matter with you people?! The kid’s a genius, she’s like.. what do you call.. petite, she won’t take up much room.. Flash the number, Ralphie! Come on, if you call now I’ll throw in a dozen cannolis for you! Please! Somebody help me! Take them off my hand! I want to retire! You see, I have a time-share in Florida.. honey, give ’em the baton, the baton never fails..
Marie: [ starts twirling the baton as she plays the accordian ] [ phone rings ]
Lou: [ answers ] Hello?
Voice of Caller: Yeah, I think you’re a disgusting, chauvenist pig!
Lou: [ hangs up ] Woman libbers! [ chuckles ] Listen. please don’t bother calling this show unless you’ve got some hair on your chest.. please.. okay?
Marie: Dad.. I got hair on my chest..
Lou: Yeah, please.. [ covers her mouth ] She means.. she’s the best! Not hair on her chest! Please.. keep it to yourself, Maria, okay..?
Francesca: [ runs down ] Hey, Dad, Josephine’s coming downstairs! I caught her going through your pockets for loose change!
Lou: You what?
Josephine: [ enters the basement smoking a cigarette, revealing herself to be nearly nine months pregnant ] Turn that thing off! I want to see “Baywatch Nights”, Pop!
Lou: Josephine is my pride and joy! And, as you can see, Josephine has already had a date, and things didn’t go too good..
Josephine: Thet went great..!
Lou: Really? Listen.. whoever done this, I’m not mad. Come back! Be a man! We’ll set you up with a job at the bakery – obviously, you’re not good at too many things, but you are good at putting buns in the oven! Alright.. come on. I love these girls, but I’m telling you, they’re about as uneasy to load as five-day donuts, so come on, please? Give me a call! I’ll throw in a month of my time-share! [ phone rings; Lou answers ] Hello?
Voice of Salvatore: Yeah, Lou.. I want to take your daughter out..
Lou: Which one?
Voice of Salvatore: The one that comes with the time-share..
Lou: Is that you, Sal?
Voice of Salvatore: [ laughs ] Yeah!
Lou: Hey, Sal, I told you to quit joking around! Please!
Lou: Okay, take care..
Josephine: Hiiii, Sallll…!
Lou: Damn! You know what? We’re out of time. Okay.. fine, no problem. But even though nobody called, you should take down this number, ’cause in a few hours or so, you’re gonna remember that Lou’s lovely daughters really are lovely, lovely, lovely! Say goodbye, girls.
Francesca & Maria: Bye..
Josephine: Go to hell![ fade out ]