Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 1
Oprah Winfrey…..Tim Meadows
Marv Albert…..Norm MacDonald
Mike Tyson…..Tracy Morgan
Oprah Winfrey: Hi, welcome back! I hope everyone had a great summer, because I sure did – I lost 20 pounds! Thank you! And I gained 35. Oh, you stop it now! Now, today’s show is another installment of the Oprah Book Club, and honey, we have a beautiful inspirational book that can teach us to be better people. It’s the story of one man’s struggle to rise from humble beginnings to national fame. The title is: “I’d Love To, But I Have A Game”, by Marv Albert. He’s here with us today, so please welcome Mr. Marv Albert![ Marv Albert walks out and sits down across from Oprah ]
So, Marv.. you wrote this book, and you’re here to talk about it?
Marv Albert: Well, that’s right, Oprah, and I’d really like to thank you for giving me this opportunity.
Oprah Winfrey: Well, forget about it, ’cause it ain’t gonna happen! Now, let’s talk about you and those choppers of yours – you likes to get freaky!
Marv Albert: Well.. yessss!
Oprah Winfrey: Now, honey, I hear you like to wear women’s panties?
Marv Albert: Yessss!
Oprah Winfrey: Mmm-hmm.. you even like to wear nipple clamps?
Marv Albert: Yessss!
Oprah Winfrey: Hmm.. you ever use an ass bracelet?
Marv Albert: Yessss… andddd.. it hurtssss!
Oprah Winfrey: Mmm.. you go, girl! How about the Squirmy Rooter?
Marv Albert: Oh, my God, yessss!!
Oprah Winfrey: Mmm, mmm, mmm.. I am scared of you, honey! Now, here’s the difference between you and me, Marv – I like to eat baklava, babyback ribs, back bacon.. but you like to eat back.
Marv Albert: Yessss… anddd.. assss! [ pause ] But the biting incident for which I was arrested, Oprah, was a case of mistaken identity.
Oprah Winfrey: Now, whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Marv?
Marv Albert: Well, I did bite her.. but it was late, and it was dark, and I thought she was a.. pizza!
Oprah Winfrey: Mmm-hmm.. And when did you realize that she wasn’t a pizza?
Marv Albert: Well, Oprah, to tell you the truth, usually when I eat pizza, I do not have a full erection!
Oprah Winfrey: Well, it sounds like a pretty reasonable excuse. We have a question from the audience? [ points ] Yes.
Mike Tyson: Yes. I would just like to say that I love your show, Miss Oprah.
Marv Albert: Fellow back-biter Mike Tyson in the crowd!
Mike Tyson: And I believe that Marv was provoked into biting that woman. I believe that. Youre a pretty good guy.
Marv Albert: Yesss, it’s true! The pizza head-butted me!
Oprah Winfrey: Okay, Marv.. now, what about this menage-a-trois business? I hear you like to get it on with a lady and another man.
Marv Albert: Well, I’m glad you brought that up, Oprah.. that is completely untrue, it was a very hurtful allegation. And the only thing that helped me through it was the support of my fiancee, Heather.. [ show Heather in the audience ] ..and our close family friend, Roddd.. [ show Rod in the audience, topless except for a bow tie ]
Oprah Winfrey: Yes.. well.. it is great to have the support of your fiancee..
Marv Albert: And it’s great to have the support of Roddd!
Oprah Winfrey: Well.. Marv.. this may be your last chance to call a live broadcast. Is there anything you’d like to say?
Marv Albert: Absolutely! “Live.. from New York.. it’ssss.. Saturday Night!”