SNL Transcripts: Sylvester Stallone: 09/27/97: Oprah


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 1





97a: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai

Oprah

Oprah Winfrey…..Tim Meadows
Marv Albert…..Norm MacDonald
Mike Tyson…..Tracy Morgan

Oprah Winfrey: Hi, welcome back! I hope everyone had a great summer, because I sure did – I lost 20 pounds! Thank you! And I gained 35. Oh, you stop it now! Now, today’s show is another installment of the Oprah Book Club, and honey, we have a beautiful inspirational book that can teach us to be better people. It’s the story of one man’s struggle to rise from humble beginnings to national fame. The title is: “I’d Love To, But I Have A Game”, by Marv Albert. He’s here with us today, so please welcome Mr. Marv Albert!

[ Marv Albert walks out and sits down across from Oprah ]

So, Marv.. you wrote this book, and you’re here to talk about it?

Marv Albert: Well, that’s right, Oprah, and I’d really like to thank you for giving me this opportunity.

Oprah Winfrey: Well, forget about it, ’cause it ain’t gonna happen! Now, let’s talk about you and those choppers of yours – you likes to get freaky!

Marv Albert: Well.. yessss!

Oprah Winfrey: Now, honey, I hear you like to wear women’s panties?

Marv Albert: Yessss!

Oprah Winfrey: Mmm-hmm.. you even like to wear nipple clamps?

Marv Albert: Yessss!

Oprah Winfrey: Hmm.. you ever use an ass bracelet?

Marv Albert: Yessss… andddd.. it hurtssss!

Oprah Winfrey: Mmm.. you go, girl! How about the Squirmy Rooter?

Marv Albert: Oh, my God, yessss!!

Oprah Winfrey: Mmm, mmm, mmm.. I am scared of you, honey! Now, here’s the difference between you and me, Marv – I like to eat baklava, babyback ribs, back bacon.. but you like to eat back.

Marv Albert: Yessss… anddd.. assss! [ pause ] But the biting incident for which I was arrested, Oprah, was a case of mistaken identity.

Oprah Winfrey: Now, whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Marv?

Marv Albert: Well, I did bite her.. but it was late, and it was dark, and I thought she was a.. pizza!

Oprah Winfrey: Mmm-hmm.. And when did you realize that she wasn’t a pizza?

Marv Albert: Well, Oprah, to tell you the truth, usually when I eat pizza, I do not have a full erection!

Oprah Winfrey: Well, it sounds like a pretty reasonable excuse. We have a question from the audience? [ points ] Yes.

[ Mike Tyson stands in the front ]

Mike Tyson: Yes. I would just like to say that I love your show, Miss Oprah.

Marv Albert: Fellow back-biter Mike Tyson in the crowd!

Mike Tyson: And I believe that Marv was provoked into biting that woman. I believe that. Youre a pretty good guy.

Marv Albert: Yesss, it’s true! The pizza head-butted me!

Oprah Winfrey: Okay, Marv.. now, what about this menage-a-trois business? I hear you like to get it on with a lady and another man.

Marv Albert: Well, I’m glad you brought that up, Oprah.. that is completely untrue, it was a very hurtful allegation. And the only thing that helped me through it was the support of my fiancee, Heather.. [ show Heather in the audience ] ..and our close family friend, Roddd.. [ show Rod in the audience, topless except for a bow tie ]

Oprah Winfrey: Yes.. well.. it is great to have the support of your fiancee..

Marv Albert: And it’s great to have the support of Roddd!

Oprah Winfrey: Well.. Marv.. this may be your last chance to call a live broadcast. Is there anything you’d like to say?

Marv Albert: Absolutely! “Live.. from New York.. it’ssss.. Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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