SNL Transcripts: Sylvester Stallone: 09/27/97: Planet Hollywood


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 1

97a: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai

Planet Hollywood

…..Sylvester StalloneWaitress…..Molly Shannon
White fan…..Jim Breuer
Black fan…..Tracy Morgan

(Opens with an outside shot of Planet Hollywood in New York City. Cut to the inside where action mega-star Sylvester Stallone is getting up from a table.)

Waitress: On behalf of Planet Hollywood, I just want to thank you so much for coming. We were so excited to have you. Everyone was thrilled.

(shake hands)

Sylvester Stallone: It was my pleasure. And really, keep up the good work.

Waitress: Thank you so much. Thank you.

Sylvester Stallone: That´s ok.

(A guy in a jean jacket slaps Stallone´s back hard)

White Fan: Stallone!!! Oh, my God!, oh, my God!, oh, my God! Hold on, where´s my buddy?! JOEY! GET THE CAMERA! GET THE CAMERA!

Sylvester Stallone: No, no, no…I have to go, I have to go…

White Fan: Yo´! You don´t understand, man!! Yo´! Yo´! You know how many times I´ve seen “Rocky”?! You know how many times I´ve seen “Rocky”?! We´re talking like 46, man!!!

Sylvester Stallone: Really?

White Fan: You´re kidding me?! “Copland”? We are talking OSCAR!!!(raises fists up)

Sylvester Stallone: (embarrassed) Please, please, come on.

White Fan: Joey, get the camera!

Sylvester Stallone: Thank you very much but I really don´t have time for pictures.

White Fan: Joey, in the back! Get the camera! Yo´, I don´t mean this in a gay way….

Sylvester Stallone: No, nah…

White Fan: But you´re my idol!!!(puts arms up, hugs Stallone roughly) Dude, I cannot even believe that I´m talking to you, man!!!

Sylvester Stallone: I can´t believe it myself. Thank you. (forced laugh)

White Fan: I´ll be right back! Wait till my friend sees ya´! (runs out)

Sylvester Stallone: No,no,no. I´m not gonna be here, I´m not gonna be here.

Black Fan: AAAAHHH!! Rambo!! You´re better than Gumby dammit! Wait till I tell my wife who I saw! Rambo!!!

Sylvester Stallone: No,no,no.

Black man: Yo´,oh man! I love how you jumped out that tree and cut that pig! You should see how my wife cooks chitlins!

Sylvester Stallone: Really? Thank you very much but…

Black Fan: Aaahhh!!! Oh, man!! Hey yo´, hey yo´. Rambo, you got to do a brother a solid, you got to do a brother a solid! I live right around the block, man. Would you come to my house and kiss my wife for me?! You gotta go to my home and kiss my wife!

Sylvester Stallone: I can´t. I don´t even know you.

Black Fan: Oh, man. What you talkin´about? You can´t kiss my wife?

Sylvester Stallone: It has nothing to do with your wife, really.

Black Fan: Oh, man! Check it. Anyway, yo´, you was in the woods, right? You remember that? And you got a deep gash in your arm…

Sylvester Stallone: Yeah…

Black Fan: And you ended up sewing up your own wound…

Sylvester Stallone: Yeah…

Black Fan: Check it, I was in jail, right?

Sylvester Stallone: Yeah…

Black Fan: And a dude stabbed me…

Sylvester Stallone: Yeah…

Black Fan: Guess what I did?! (Stallone mimics sewing the wound) I sewed up my own wound!!! Rambo!!!

Sylvester Stallone: That´s great. Well, its really nice to meet you…

Black Fan: I´m punking on you!

Sylvester Stallone: I really, I got to go, I just really…

Black Fan: You see? Ho, ho, ho. That´s why I feel you, Rambo! That´s why I feel you, Mr. Rambo. Cause the police could not track you down!

(White fan comes back with a camera and jumps on Stallone almost making him fall)

White Fan: WHAAA!!!

Sylvester Stallone: Oh, hey, hey, hey.

White Fan: Yo´!, whoa, not for nothing…

Black Fan: Not for nothing…

White Fan: I gotta be honest, I thought you were bigger, man!!

Black Fan: Me too!! (grabbing Stallone´s arm) Make a muscle, make a muscle, make a muscle.

Sylvester Stallone: I don´t need to make a muscle.

White Fan: Dude, I told my wife: “I´m bigger than Rocky!” “I´m bigger than Rocky!” How much money you making? Crazy money?!

Sylvester Stallone: Wait a minute, enough, enough. Seriously, I´m not Rocky, I´m not Rambo. I´m just a regular guy with a family…and really, I have to go. So, thank you.

Black Fan: One minute. One thing. Let me see that hunting knife that you be carrying. Where you hiding it? (pats Stallone down)

White Fan: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Give me one “Paulie”. “Yo´Paulie!”

Sylvester Stallone: Why would you do that?

White Fan: “Yo´,Paulie!” “Yo´, Paulie!” “Yo´, Paulie!”

(Stallone is losing patience. Shakes black fan´s hand)

Sylvester Stallone: Nice meeting you, Seriously, thank you. I´m just asking you to get out of my way.

White Fan: What you talking about? You do it for millions of people, you can´t do one for me?! How hard can it be?

Sylvester Stallone: In the movie…

White Fan: “Yo´, Paulie!”, “Yo´, Paulie!”

Black Fan: What´s up with that weak handshake you just gave me, man? You ain´t no Rambo!(pushes Stallone) You ain´t no Rambo!

White Fan: (towering over Stallone) Shorty! Shorty!

Sylvester Stallone: (getting angry) Shorty?

White Fan: Shorty!

Black Fan: You ain´t no Rambo! (pushing Stallone)

Sylvester Stallone: You´re crossing the line, guys. You are crossing the line, all right.

Black Fan: You ain´t no Rambo, man! You are not no Rambo, man.

Sylvester Stallone: (very angry) You know, this is the reason why I don´t go out, because of guys like you, all right.

White Fan: Keep truckin´, RAMBUM!!

(The fans laugh at Stallone and he just fills with rage, turns around and jumps on the duo)

Sylvester Stallone: Aaaarrgghh!!!

(White fan´s camera clicks and scene freezes on the attack)

(Newspaper headline. Extra. Daily Press. Attack is front page news)

(“Stallone sued for billions is fan attack”)

(Another newspaper headline of the Daily Press)

(A photo of the two annoying fans smoking cigars and standing next to Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger is front page news)

(“Planet Hollywood announces new owners”)

(cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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