Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 1
The Roxbury Guys
Rocky Balboa…..Sylvester Stallone
Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell
Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan
Mr. Arturo…..Darrell Hammond
Jogger #1…..Jim Breuer
Jogger #2…..Ana Gasteyer
FADE IN:[ EXT. PHILADELPHIA – MORNING ] [ MUSIC: “ROCKY” THEME ] [ Rocky Balboa, wearing his trademark fedora and sweats, jogs the streets of Philly. A jogger jogs right up next to him. ]
Jogger #1: You’re the best, Rocky!!
Rocky Balboa: Oh thanks![ Rocky punches the jogger in the upper arm. He falls to the ground. A female jogger jogs up to Rocky. ]
Jogger #2: I love you, Rocky!!
Rocky Balboa: Oh thanks![ Rocky punches her in her arm and she falls back onto an oncoming OFF-SCREEN vehicle. The car’s horn blares. ]
Rocky Balboa: Sorry about the car![ The Butabi Bros. sandwich Rocky between them. ] [ MUSIC: “WHAT IS LOVE?” ]
Doug Butabi: Hey! How you doing!? Good to see you!
Steve Butabi: Yeah!
Doug Butabi: C’mon…[ The guys grab hold of Rocky and take him away. ] [ EXT. TIMES SQAURE – NIGHT ] [ SUPER: TIMES SQUARE ] [ INT. BUTABI CAR – NIGHT ] [ The guys are bobbing their heads to Haddaway with Rocky in the front with them. Steve’s driving. The guys do their odd nose wipe. Doug demonstrates the wipe to Rocky, who studies him without interest. Doug does the wipe on Rocky’s nose. Rocky elbows Doug in the nose. ] [ Doug applies pressure to his nose to prevent bleeding. Rocky realizes he had boogers and wipes them on his sweats. The guys resume head-bobbing. ] [ EXT. CHINA CLUB – NIGHT ] [ INT. CHINA CLUB ] [ Clubgoers dance away. The crowd parts down the middle to REVEAL Rocky now dressed like Doug & Steve at the bar. The guys are downing Budweiser. Doug jumps to the front of the crowd. ]
Doug Butabi: Heeeey! Wanna dance? No? Okay, don’t worry about it![ He returns to the bar. Steve jumps to the front of the crowd. ]
Steve Butabi: Hey, you wanna dance? No? Alright.[ Doug returns to the bar. Rocky faces the crowd. He cracks open a raw egg and dispenses it into a Tom Collins glass. He gulps it. ]
Steve Butabi: Go ahead…
Doug Butabi: Yeah! Go dance! C’mon…[ Rocky modestly agrees and a woman steps forward to dance with him. He struts a few moves then starts trying to jab her with upper cuts. ]
The Roxbury Guys: No, no…[ The woman takes off. “What is Love?” stops playing. Rocky throws his hands up. ]
Rocky Balboa: I CAN’T DO IT! I CAN’T DANCE!![ Rocky drops to the ground. The guys approach Rocky slow. ]
Doug Butabi: It’s okay…
Steve Butabi: It’s alright everybody…
Doug Butabi: You didn’t see anything…
Steve Butabi: It’s okay…[ The guys lift Rocky up and make a swift exit with him while head-bobbing . ]
Steve Butabi: You’re gonna be alright…
Doug Butabi: You’re gonna be okay…[ “What is Love?” resumes. The crowd filters onto the dance floor. ] [ INT. BUTABI CAR – NIGHT ] [ The guys are bobbing their heads. Rocky grimaces. He punches his finger into the CD player. ] [ MUSIC: “EYE OF THE TIGER” ] [ Rocky rocks out to the song. The guys wince. ]
Rocky Balboa: [singing]“It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the cream of the fight
Risin’ up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor – “
Mr. Arturo: YOU GOT IT! YOU GOT IT!!
Rocky Balboa: I GOT IT!!!
The Roxbury Guys: SCORE![ Rocky takes off. The Butabis bounce Mr. Arturo across each others’ chest. ]
Doug Butabi: Thank you, old man!
Steve Butabi: Thank you very much![ EXT. NYC – NIGHT ] [ Rocky jogs bobbing his head. Several young children in club suits join him. ] [ EXT. CHINA CLUB – NIGHT ] [ SUPER: THE CHINA CLUB ] [ INT. CHINA CLUB ] [ Rocky and the guys are bobbing their heads at the bar. They face the crowd. ]
All: Me!? Him!? Me!? Him!? Me!? Him!?
Rocky Balboa: Guys… IT’S ME!![ Rocky dances out to the floor, doing everything from disco to breakdancing at an expert level. The children from earlier and the club crowd filter onto the dance floor. ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs