Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 1
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Cinder Calhoun…..Ana Gasteyer
Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald![dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald. Now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Ah, this Thursday in an Arlington, Virgina courtroom, sportscaster Marv Albert accepted a plea bargain in his trial on forcible sodomy charges. This following revelations of Albert’s compulsion for biting women, three-way sex, and wearing panties and garters. Said Albert about his decision, quote, “At least I’ve still got my dignity.”
Attorney General Janet Reno said this week that she is fed up with Republicans complaining to the press that she has not named an independent counsel to investigate President Clinton’s fundraising. Said Reno, quote, “If these people don’t like the way I’m doing my job, let them come talk to me man-to-man.”
Well, the White House is an empty nest this week, following Chelsea Clinton’s departure to begin her studies at Stanford University. A wistful President Clinton says that while it’s difficult to see his daughter grow up, at least now he’ll feel less guilty about hitting on her friends.
According to the U.S. Bureau of the Census, California’s population is expected grow nearly 18 million by the year 2025. Also by the year 2025, it will be much easier to find a vacant apartment in Mexico.
In international news, French president Jacques Chirac met this week with NATO Gener – NATO Secretary General Javiera Solona. [actually Javier Solana] During their meeting at the Elysee Palace, the two discussed possible reasons why Marv Albert would dress up in lingerie and bite women on the back while another guy watched. [delayed reaction, chuckles]
After closing out a successful first season, the WNBA is considering several changes to improve the level of play in the league next year. Among the proposals: extending the playoffs, increasing salaries, bringing back the three-point line, and replacing all the female players with guys.
Well, as you’re no doubt aware, Elton John’s musical tribute to Princess Diana, “Candle in the Wind ’97,” has become the fastest-selling CD in history. Well, in Dayton, Ohio, a local music chain had a wonderful idea to donate all its profits from the single to a local AIDS group. However, in a tragic piece of irony, “Weekend Update” has learned that the local AIDS group now plans to spend all of the money…on land mines.…What a world we live in….Dirty, dirty land mines!
Richard Thomas of Chicago is taking a novel approach to getting his wife Sally to quit smoking. He is suing her in U.S. District Court, asking a judge to order her to quit. Legal experts say they’re considering all factors. Mr. Thomas actually has a very good chance of never having sex with his wife again.
Well, last summer’s Lilith Fair tour marked the largest collection of female rock singers ever to tour together. Its opening act was a comedian. And here tonight is the headlining comic from that tour, Cinder Calhoun! Hi, Cinder.[pan over to Cinder, who wears a red jacket and orange-rimmed glasses]
Cinder Calhoun: Thanks, Norm. Um…I’m Cinder Calhoun. I’m not really still familiar with that label “stand-up comic,” um, I really consider myself more of a funny wordsmith folkist who came out of the uh, singer-songwriter tradition.
Norm: Yeah. So when did you, uh, discover that you were funny, Cinder?
Cinder: Um, actually, uh…it’s a funny story. I was backstage with Tracy Chapman at the Random Acts of Kindness Tour, uh, a couple years back, and…she was kind of down, sort of an emotional K-hole of sorts, you know. And…I really wanted to lift her spirits, so we decided to, you know, just take a ride down to the Juice Tent, um…and, so we get in her car, and I just turned to her and said, [singing] “You got a fast car.”…We practically peed our pants, we were laughing so hard, and…
Norm: Ohh. So that was your big start, huh?
Cinder: Well, right– well actually, uh, not in the same summer, uh, I was backstage with Tori Amos. She is hilarious! We were at Rage Against Incest, and…I was on – I was on a roll telling some pretty hardcore funny Palestinian folk tales, and…Fiona Apple walked up to me with an iced tea, and I just said in front of everybody, “Hey, who are you? Fiona Snapple?”…Anyway, after that, they immediately booked me as the opening comic on Lilith, so…
Norm: Well, that’s uh, that’s great. So are you gonna do, uh, you gonna do some of your act here for us tonight?
Cinder: Um, actually, I feel it’s my responsibility to really use this platform, uh, as a platform, you know, to really address a social issue.
Norm: Oh. Yeah, what would that be?
Cinder: Well, uh, I’ll tell you. Earlier today, um…I was going through my dream journal, and…I was, uh, pulling some jokes for my bit tonight, and I saw a [exaggerated Spanish accent] Latina woman, um…with a cart, selling beef franks. And…I guess I kind of was under the impression that we live in an evolved enough culture that doesn’t need to devour the murdered carcasses of innocent cows as a snack! So, um…[grabs her guitar] I hope you don’t mind, I wrote a song about it, and I’d like to share it, I think it’ll really move some people. It’s called, uh, “Sausage of Pain.” [song begins as she plays her guitar][croons wordlessly]
There’s a lot of fighting in the world
People getting killed with guns and tanks
But no one seems to care about the edible missile
Something called the all-beef frank
You look down on the Unabomber
But you eat beef franks like a poor man’s Jeffrey Dahmer
I relish your mustard
So cook them on a grill or boil them in water
And take them out into that sausage of slaughter
It’s a corn dog, kielbasa, hot tamale, or little hoagies, it don’t matter
If you cut ’em up and put ’em into your Spaghetti-O – O – O – O – O – Os
It’s slaughter, it’s slaughter
IT’S SLAUGHTER, IT’S SLAUGHTER
SLAUGHTER, A GREAT SAUSAGE SLAUGHTER!
Norm: Cinder Calhoun, everyone! [Cinder flashes the peace sign twice before leaving] She makes you laugh, she makes you think. She makes you think you’re laughing.
Well, according to published reports, Michael Jackson’s wife is now pregnant with the pop star’s second child. Asked why he decided to become a father again so soon, Jackson explained that his seven-month-old son is starting to lose his looks. [some boos]
Next month, the U.S. Postal Service will begin issuing stamps depicting Dracula, the Mummy, and Frankenstein’s monster. The stamps are part of a new series called, “People Who Abbott and Costello Have Met.”
According to new medical research, crack babies are as happy and healthy as normal children. You know, that’s amazing, you know. ‘Cause I thought they’d be much happier with all that crack in their system, you know, they…it’s crazy!
Former president Ronald Reagan is selling his Santa Barbara ranch to the federal government, which will turn it into a California state park. In what can best be described as a sweetheart deal for Reagan, he will get five million dollars for the 700-acre ranch, and he will still think he owns it. [shakes his head]…The rich get richer, you know? Ridiculous!
David Kaczynski, the brother who turned in Unabomber defendant Ted Kaczynski, said he plans to share the million-dollar reward money he will receive with the bombing survivors. He says roughly 400,000 dollars will go to the bombing victims, and the other 600,000 dollars he will blow on whores and cocaine.
And in central California, investigators have convened at the Tulane [actually Tulare] Canal to find out what killed sixteen hundred birds and over a million fish. Experts say ammonia poisoning is the probable cause, but if you ask me, what really killed them…was the paparazzi.
In a recent interview, Paul McCartney confessed that Bob Dylan turned the Beatles on to marijuana. In return, George Harrison turned Dylan on to looking old and haggard.
The terrorist bomb which exploded at the 1996 Summer Olympic Games in Atlanta may have claimed more than one victim. Shortly after the incident, the FBI falsely accused Atlanta security guard Richard Jewell of the crime, then waited a year to publicly clear his name. With us tonight to discuss his ordeal is Richard Jewell. Richard, thanks for coming on “Weekend Update.”[pan over to Richard]
Richard Jewell: My pleasure, Norm!
Norm: Now Richard, in the interest of, uh, full disclosure, I should point out that as a result of Tom Brokaw’s on-air statement that you were, in fact, the bomber, our network, NBC, was forced to pay you an undisclosed sum of money.
Richard: That’s correct, Norm.
Norm: Now Richard, I should point out that it is, uh, pretty unusual for Tom Brokaw to make a mistake, I mean, uh…nearly three-quarters of the time, like, 60, 70 percent of the time, his stories are accurate.
Richard: I understand that.
Norm: Yeah, but you’re telling us, though, that this happened to be one of those one in three or maybe one in 2.7 times that he got it wrong? Well, I guess I…just gotta believe you.
Richard: I didn’t do it, Norm.
Norm: I see. So in other words…here you got Tom Brokaw. He does a hundred stories a week, 53 of which are basically accurate….Only 47 containing major errors of fact. And you just have the unbelievably bad luck, you’re telling us, to be one of the 47?
Richard: Yes, I guess so.
Norm: Well, I guess anything’s possible….All right, Richard, let’s change the subject. Now, less than a month ago, the world was stunned by the auto accident that took the life of Princess Diana.
Richard: Yes, and the o – the other two people as – also, yeah.
Norm: [begins to suspect something] Two other people? Well, you seem to know a lot about the accident there, Richard….Is that another bizarre coincidence or, uh…
Richard: No. I just read the papers.
Norm: Oh, you read the papers, huh? You ever uh, did you read the papers perhaps, in France?…You ever been to France, Richard?
Richard: No, not…no, I’ve never been to F–
Norm and Richard: Never been to France.
Norm: Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like you’ve never been to France, the way you were stuttering there!…Well, I’d like to check your…passport! Okay, let me ask you one question. Let’s get off this whole Lady Di thing, I’ll ask you a question that I know everyone in the audience is thinking. Were you, Richard Jewell, in any way involved in the death of Mother Teresa?
Richard: No, Norm, I was not!
Norm: Well, all right, Richard. If you say that, I’m gonna have to believe you. Richard Jewell, everyone![dismissively] Ah…he did it, he killed her. I was lookin’ him right in the eye, I could tell. Killed her in cold blood. Mother Teresa.
Well, finally, our congratulations to musician Ike Turner, who recently got married for the 13th time….The ceremony marked the first time that a minister performing a wedding has ever asked, “Does anyone here not object?” [almost no reaction, grimaces]
And that’s the news, folks! Good night![dissolve to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic] [fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson