Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 1
Male Victim…..Norm MacDonald
Female Victim…..Ana Gasteyer
Other Driver…..Jim Breuer
[ Two cars crash into one another. Sylvester Stallone quickly rushes in to help after witnessing the horrific event. ]
Stallone: Sir? Are you alright?
Male Victim: [ groaning ] ..oh.. what happened..? I saw a white.. light.. I felt this inner peace, I thought I was going to heaven. But then that guy from that horrible movie “Rhinestone” showed up..
Stallone: [ confused ] What?
Female Victim: It’s Sly Stallone! He’s trying to help us!
Stallone: Look, you’ll be fine – you’re just a little shaken up! Okay?
Male Victim: [ groaning ] Great. I don’t know which is worse: being in this accident, or being helped by the star of “Judge Dredd”.
Stallone: [ somewhat exasperated ] Don’t move, there’s an ambulance coming.
Female Victim: Thank you so much. You’re very kind.
Male Victim: Ah.. he’s not that kind. Did you see “Cobra”?
Stallone: You know.. that movie actually got very screwed up in the, uh, editing, and..
Male Victim: [ screaming ] Aggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh….
Stallone: [ frightened ] What’s wrong? What’s wrong?!
Male Victim: ..gggghhhhhhh, I just remembered “Staying Alive”!
Stallone: Aw, hey, come on!
Female Victim: Listen, he’s trying to be nice..
Stallone: Alright, yeah, okay, fine. How are you doing, Madam?
Female Victim: My arm hurts!
Stallone: Oh, really? Can you move your fingers?
Female Victim: [ she moves her fingers a little, then screams ] Oh, God! “Paradise Alley” sucked! [ ashamed ] I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to say that!
Male Victim: Ah.. don’t be sorry – the guy stole two hours of your life!
Stallone: Aw, come on, that’s enough! I’m trying to help you!
Male Victim: [ groaning ] I’m getting.. I’m getting dizzy from the blood loss..
Stallone: Okay, let me just put the pressure on there.. [ massages male victim’s shoulders ] You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be O-KAY!
Male Victim: I’m bleeding pretty badly..
Stallone: Oh, everything’s going to be fine. I’m here for you!
Male Victim: Let me ask you something: What were you thinking when you made “Over The Top”?
Male Victim: “Over The Top”! I mean, you had to arm wrestle a guy for the custody of your son, for God’s sake!
Stallone: Please save your energy..
Male Victim: I mean, did you actually get that script and go around telling people, “Hey, this is a good one!”
Stallone: Oh, come on, just drop it! Please.
Male Victim: No, no, you’re right. You know, it was an excellent movie, now that I think about it. After all, you know, it does combine the emotional drama of a custody child hearing with, uh.. ARM WRESTLING!!
Stallone: [ angry ] That’s enough!! [ ambulance sirens in background ]
Male Victim: Whoa, hey! Hey, remember that movie “Kramer vs. Kramer”? Yeah, that was about child custody, too. Yeah, but it wasn’t that good. I don’t know, it was missing something, you know? Ah, what was it missing? I can’t.. oh, wait! I know! Arm wrestling!
Stallone: [ screaming] SHUT UP!! [ he punches the male accident victim, as a paramedic enters the scene ]
Paramedic: Hey! What the hell are you doing? You’re punching car accident victims!
Stallone: No, no, no, you don’t understand.. he was badmouthing my films!
Paramedic: The man is injured, and he happens to think “Tango & Cash” is jackass, so you hit him?!
Stallone: No, no. He didn’t mention “Tango & Cash”, okay?
Female Victim: Please! Somebody just help my husband! [ Male victim groans helplessly ]
Other Driver: [ in background ] I think this guy’s dying!
Paramedic: [ examining the male victim ] Alright, everyone clear! Now, I’m losing him!
Male Victim: Stop.. stop.. stop.. stop.. “Stop.. Or My Mom Will Shoot” sucked..
Paramedic: [ confused ] What? What did he say? I-I couldn’t hear him..
Female Victim: [ To Stallone ] Did you hear him?
Stallone: [ reluctantly ] Yeah..
Paramedic: What, what did he say?
Stallone: [ mumbling ] “‘Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot’ sucked.”
Paramedic: Wait, wait, wait! Everyone, sshhh! What did he say?
Stallone: He said, “‘Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot’ SUCKED!!“
Female Victim: It’s okay. Listen: you’ve comforted my husband in the last minutes of his life. That’s a noble thing. Don’t let “Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot” mar that experience..
Paramedic: [ still examining the male victim ] Wait, wait, everyone. He’s holding onto something.. it’s.. it’s a videotape. It’s “Rambo”. I guess he liked your work after all..
Stallone: [ surprised ] Really? That really means a lot to me.
Paramedic: [ pulling the tape free ] Oh, wait, wait, actually, no. It’s.. it’s a porn film. It’s “Rambone”. It’s “Rambone”. [ Stallone rolls his eyes ] Alright, let’s clear out, everyone! Nothing to see! [ Handing tape to Stallone ] You want this?..[ fade to black ]