SNL Transcripts: Sylvester Stallone: 09/27/97: Car Accident


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 1

97a: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai

Car Accident

Male Victim…..Norm MacDonald
Female Victim…..Ana Gasteyer
Paramedic…..Will Ferrell
Other Driver…..Jim Breuer

[ Two cars crash into one another. Sylvester Stallone quickly rushes in to help after witnessing the horrific event. ]

Stallone: Sir? Are you alright?

Male Victim: [ groaning ] ..oh.. what happened..? I saw a white.. light.. I felt this inner peace, I thought I was going to heaven. But then that guy from that horrible movie “Rhinestone” showed up..

Stallone: [ confused ] What?

Female Victim: It’s Sly Stallone! He’s trying to help us!

Stallone: Look, you’ll be fine – you’re just a little shaken up! Okay?

Male Victim: [ groaning ] Great. I don’t know which is worse: being in this accident, or being helped by the star of “Judge Dredd”.

Stallone: [ somewhat exasperated ] Don’t move, there’s an ambulance coming.

Female Victim: Thank you so much. You’re very kind.

Male Victim: Ah.. he’s not that kind. Did you see “Cobra”?

Stallone: You know.. that movie actually got very screwed up in the, uh, editing, and..

Male Victim: [ screaming ] Aggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh….

Stallone: [ frightened ] What’s wrong? What’s wrong?!

Male Victim: ..gggghhhhhhh, I just remembered “Staying Alive”!

Stallone: Aw, hey, come on!

Female Victim: Listen, he’s trying to be nice..

Stallone: Alright, yeah, okay, fine. How are you doing, Madam?

Female Victim: My arm hurts!

Stallone: Oh, really? Can you move your fingers?

Female Victim: [ she moves her fingers a little, then screams ] Oh, God! “Paradise Alley” sucked! [ ashamed ] I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to say that!

Male Victim: Ah.. don’t be sorry – the guy stole two hours of your life!

Stallone: Aw, come on, that’s enough! I’m trying to help you!

Male Victim: [ groaning ] I’m getting.. I’m getting dizzy from the blood loss..

Stallone: Okay, let me just put the pressure on there.. [ massages male victim’s shoulders ] You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be O-KAY!

Male Victim: I’m bleeding pretty badly..

Stallone: Oh, everything’s going to be fine. I’m here for you!

Male Victim: Let me ask you something: What were you thinking when you made “Over The Top”?

Stallone: What?!

Male Victim: “Over The Top”! I mean, you had to arm wrestle a guy for the custody of your son, for God’s sake!

Stallone: Please save your energy..

Male Victim: I mean, did you actually get that script and go around telling people, “Hey, this is a good one!”

Stallone: Oh, come on, just drop it! Please.

Male Victim: No, no, you’re right. You know, it was an excellent movie, now that I think about it. After all, you know, it does combine the emotional drama of a custody child hearing with, uh.. ARM WRESTLING!!

Stallone: [ angry ] That’s enough!! [ ambulance sirens in background ]

Male Victim: Whoa, hey! Hey, remember that movie “Kramer vs. Kramer”? Yeah, that was about child custody, too. Yeah, but it wasn’t that good. I don’t know, it was missing something, you know? Ah, what was it missing? I can’t.. oh, wait! I know! Arm wrestling!

Stallone: [ screaming] SHUT UP!! [ he punches the male accident victim, as a paramedic enters the scene ]

Paramedic: Hey! What the hell are you doing? You’re punching car accident victims!

Stallone: No, no, no, you don’t understand.. he was badmouthing my films!

Paramedic: The man is injured, and he happens to think “Tango & Cash” is jackass, so you hit him?!

Stallone: No, no. He didn’t mention “Tango & Cash”, okay?

Female Victim: Please! Somebody just help my husband! [ Male victim groans helplessly ]

Other Driver: [ in background ] I think this guy’s dying!

Paramedic: [ examining the male victim ] Alright, everyone clear! Now, I’m losing him!

Male Victim: Stop.. stop.. stop.. stop.. “Stop.. Or My Mom Will Shoot” sucked..

Paramedic: [ confused ] What? What did he say? I-I couldn’t hear him..

Female Victim: [ To Stallone ] Did you hear him?

Stallone: [ reluctantly ] Yeah..

Paramedic: What, what did he say?

Stallone: [ mumbling ] “‘Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot’ sucked.”

Paramedic: Wait, wait, wait! Everyone, sshhh! What did he say?

Stallone: He said, “‘Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot’ SUCKED!!

Female Victim: It’s okay. Listen: you’ve comforted my husband in the last minutes of his life. That’s a noble thing. Don’t let “Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot” mar that experience..

Paramedic: [ still examining the male victim ] Wait, wait, everyone. He’s holding onto something.. it’s.. it’s a videotape. It’s “Rambo”. I guess he liked your work after all..

Stallone: [ surprised ] Really? That really means a lot to me.

Paramedic: [ pulling the tape free ] Oh, wait, wait, actually, no. It’s.. it’s a porn film. It’s “Rambone”. It’s “Rambone”. [ Stallone rolls his eyes ] Alright, let’s clear out, everyone! Nothing to see! [ Handing tape to Stallone ] You want this?..

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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