Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 2
[open in the Friends apartment, with Rachel and Pheobe watching TV]
Rachel: Oh my God, this show is so stupid, Pheobes. I mean, it’s just tapes of cats falling off things and men getting hit in the crotch!
Pheobe: Um, okay, I love this show, Rache.
Rachel: You would. Look, Pheobes, I have something to tell you.
Pheobe: Wow, that sounds really like [imitating trumpet herald] announcement!
Rachel: It kind of is. I met someone, Pheobes. A guy. I think this whole Ross and me thing is, like, over.
Pheobe: Um, congratulations, I think. Wow.[Monica and Ross enter]
Monica: You know, Ross, you totally offended me when you didn’t eat any of my quiche a la Monica. I mean, hello? I spent all day making it.
Ross: Well, I would’ve spent all night throwing it up.[Ross sees Rachel]
Ross: Oh, hi, Rachel.
Rachel: Hi, Ross.
Ross: Hey, I thought you were gonna call me. I spent all weekend beside the phone, in a fetal position. Moaning. A lot.
Rachel: Oh, Ross. There’s kind of a reason why I didn’t call.
Ross: Well, I was really hoping you would, Rache, cause I just wanted to ask you…will you marry me?[Everyone looks shocked while Joey enters]
Joey: Hey, yo. You guys wanna go shoot some pool or something?
Monica: Joey, shut up! Ross just totally popped the question!
Joey: Ho ho! What question!
Monica: Hello? THE question? The BIG one? HELLO?
Joey: Ho ho! …what question?[Chandler enters. While everyone up to this point has been imitating the Friends characters relatively accurately, Colin Quinn portrays Chandler as EXTREMELY effeminate]
Colin: Oh! What a HORRID day I’ve had![Matthew Perry looks puzzled, but tries to maintain his Joey impression]
Monica: Hi, Chandler.
Pheobe: Um, hi, Chandler.
Chandler: Oh my STARS, it’s a wonder I didn’t simply faint dead away! Heavens to Betsy!
Ross: I – I know this is sudden, Rachel, but there’s – there’s still this thing between us, you know, there’s kind of this thing, that, you know, it’s a good thing!
Rachel: Oh, Ross! Ross, marriage is such a big step!
Chandler: Marriage!? Marriage, my word, you mustn’t! My dear girl, you’ll be ruined, RUINED!
Pheobe: Um, okay, Chandler, I think you’re being, like, really negative right now. Like, marriage rules!
Monica: I know! I mean, marriage! Hello?! HELLO!?
Ross: Look, Rache, I still love you, I really do! Joey, tell her how much I talk about her!
Chandler: Heavens, yes, Joey, do tell, do tell![Matthew Perry stares at Colin Quinn in confusion. He’s clearly thinking about Colin now and not the sketch]
Joey: Well, yeah…you know…Ross says things…about…Rachel.
Chandler: Oh, bother, you’re all prattling away while I stand here half dead from thirst. I simply shall perish without a glass of buttermilk![Colin moves to the fridge, walking very effeminately. Matthew Perry follows him]
Joey: Hey, hold on a sec there, Chandler. You’re, uh, kinda out of character today, not your usual smart-alecky self. Is something wrong?
Chandler: Why, heavens, no, dear boy! I’m Chandler Bing, raconteur and sassy man-about-town! Now would you be a love and fetch me my shawl?
Matthew Perry [breaks character completely, addresses Colin directly] Alright, Colin, cut it out!
Colin Quinn: [tries to keep character] Dear me, I shan’t be spoken to in that tone, JOEY. It simply won’t do!
Matthew Perry: I’m serious! Cut it out!
Colin QuinnM: [breaks character] What are you doing, Matthew? You’re ruining the whole sketch!
Matthew Perry: What am I doing? What kind of an impression is this?! It doesn’t sound anything like me!
Chris Kattan: [still impersonating Ross as he speaks] Look, you – you shouldn’t second-guess him, you know? He’s an actor, and, you know, he made an acting choice.
Matthew Perry: Hey, Kattan, do yourself a favor and stick to characters that don’t speak![Chris Kattan, angry, sits down on the couch]
Matthew Perry: And Colin, I don’t play Chandler like some big gay foppish guy!
Colin Quinn: Look, Matthew, I’m sorry you didn’t like my impression. It’s just that I’m a huge fan. And your performance in that role always brings to mind classic character actors like Ed Win, Edward Everett Horton, and I tried to bring that to my performance. But I guess it was a bad call.
Matthew Perry: [suddenly intrigued] Well, not necessarily…[Perry looks upward, deep in thought. The scene switches to a picture of a studio lot, with the caption reading “Hollywood, California. A Few Weeks From Now.”] [The scene switches to the Friends’ apartment. Matthew Perry bounds into the room as Chandler, and he now plays Chandler as effeminately as Colin did]
Chandler: Oooooh, Chandler’s home! Joey, be a dear and fetch me my shawl! I’m rather chilly! Oooooooohhhh![Scene freezes and Friends music plays while Friends credits roll]
Transcribed by: Scott Bonner