SNL Transcripts: Matthew Perry: 10/04/97: The Golords


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

The Golords

Mike Golord…..Will Ferrell
Sissy Golord…..Ana Gasteyer
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Fake Bill Clinton
Madame Wong
Chung’s Hitman

[Opens with the Seal of the President of the UnitedStates. Bill Clinton is addressing the nation from theOval Office]

Announcer: And now a message from the President of theUnited States.

President Bill Clinton: My fellow Americans. Lately thisadministration has come under attack for acceptingcampaign contributions from foreigners. I’m here tosay there’s no truth behind this allegations andfurthermore my….

[Helicopter roars, two guys storm through the windowsbehind Clinton and open machine gunfire in alldirections]

President Bill Clinton: HOLY…!!!

[They hook Clinton up and helicopter carries him outof the Oval Office along with the two gunmen]


From a secret sattelite,
comes a gang that’s outta sight.
Captain Golord and his team,
they will fight out evil schemes,
helping save the earth below,
they are always on the go!

[Montage of the Golord’s adventures. Sattelite inspace,confronting bad guys, knocking down doors, Docon the phone in the lab, flying through space in theirspace mobile]


Announcer: The Golords.

[Sattelite in space, cut into it. Mike and Sissy intheir blue uniforms are sittting down while Doc in hislab coat and big glasses read a printout message]

Doc: Mike, Sissy, we’re getting an emergency message.Our sources have located the President!

Sissy: Where’s he at, Doc?

Doc: It says here that the culprits are holding thePresident in a brothel outside of Hong Kong.

[Mike is watching a Penthouse centerfold]

Mike: Let’s go!

[Caption: Hong Kong. Oriental music. City at night.Mike and Sissy are in front of a whorehouse, dooropens]

Madame Wong: Welcome to Madame Wong’s whorehouse! MikeGolord? Back so soon?

Mike:[Speaks chinese. Subtitled:Madame Wong, this ismy sister, so be cool with the “Mike Golord”stuff.]Hello, stranger. Have you seen this man aroundhere?

[Holds up photo of Bill Clinton]

Madame Wong: Uh, how about a quicky?

Mike: Sissy, wait here. I think Madame Wong may knowsomething.

[Madame Wong and Mike walk into a red lighted room,door closes. Door opens in one second, Madame Wong isnaked on the bed, Mike walks out]

Mike: Thanks, Wong.

Sissy: What did you find out Mike?

Mike: Not a thing. Let’s go to another whorehouse.

[Madame Wong attacks Mike with a knife]

Sissy: Mike, look out!

[Bang! bang!, bang! bang! Sissy shoots Madame Wong inthe face 4 times]

Mike: Thanks, Sissy. That was close. Let’s take a lookaround the rest of this place.

[Bang! Sissy shoots Wong one more time just to besure.] [Cut to President Clinton tied to a chair in awarehouse. Chung and his hitman are next to Clinton]

President Bill Clinton: I’ll tell you what. When my govermenthear about this there’s gonna be hell to pay.

Chung: Silence!

[Slaps Clinton in the face]

President Bill Clinton: [whimpering] Don’t hit me!

Chung’s Hitman: Silence!

[Another slap in the face of Clinton]

President Bill Clinton: The security codes are Delta, Alpha,Zebra….

Chung: Please, shut up. We are not interested incodes. Our top genetics scientists have been workingaround the clock to perfect this, our own PresidentBill Clinton.

[Chung takes hood off another guy tied to a chair thatlooks just like Clinton only that the white hair isuncombed]

President Bill Clinton: He looks just like me!

Fake Bill Clinton: I build bridges to 21st century.

Chung: It’s perfect. We don’t need to make campaigncontributions any longer. Now our President will makea new American policy and no one can stop us!

[Mike and Sissy burst through the door]

Mike: Hold it right there, Chung!

Sissy: Two completely identical Presidents. How can wetell them apart?

President Bill Clinton: It’s me!!

Fake Bill Clinton: Hey, I’m the guy!

Sissy: What do we do, Mike?

Mike: I’ve got it!

[Shows fake Bill Clinton a photo of Paula Jones]

Mike: Do you find this lady sexy?

Fake Bill Clinton: Oh, no. She not sexy. She make mesick.[throws up]

President Bill Clinton: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah![His horniness makeshis head spin wildly]

Mike: Suck on this!

[Mike shoots fake Bill Clinton in the forehead. Hisbrains splash into the wall]

Chung: Stop them!

Sissy: Hyah! Take that!

[Sissy punches Chung’s hitman in the chest and ripsout his still beating heart]

President Bill Clinton: Good Lord!

Sissy: Put this in your pipe and smoke it!

[Sissy knife in hand goes over to Chung and chops hishead clean off, head rolls around on the floor] [Back in the Oval Office]

President Bill Clinton: This country owes you Golords a greatdebt that can never be repaid.

Mike: No need Mr. President. I just hope you’velearned taking illegal contributions from foreignersis dangerous. It’s more safer and patriotic to letAmerican corporations to buy off our politicians.

[Bill Clinton fondles Sissy’s right breast]

President Bill Clinton: I couldn’t agree more. That is whytomorrow I’m gonna get started on tough new campaignfinance reform.

[Dishonest giggling from Clinton, Mike and Sissy joinin the giggling]

Announcer: GOLORDS!! GOLORDS!! GOOOO!!!!

The Golords logo.

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Edmund Pearson Jr.
Edmund Pearson Jr.
1 year ago

I wish they would bring the Golords back

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