Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 2
The Ladies Man
Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Caller #1…..Molly Shannon
Caller #3…..Cheri Oteri
Caller #4…..Colin Quinn
Leon Phelps: I am Leon Phelps, and how y’all doing tonight? I am ready for the show, I’ve got some Courvoisier cognac, and my scented candles, and I’m ready to take your calls, so, uh, just dial the number that you see flashing below there, and you can talk to me, Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man. Alright. Go ahead, caller.
Caller #1: Hi. Is this The Ladies Man?
Leon Phelps: It’s a lady!
Caller #1: Yeah, uh, I got really drunk, and I had unprotected sex with this guy I met at a bar last night.
Leon Phelps: Well, that sounds alright.
Caller #1: No. I’m really scared. I mean, what if I get a disease?
Leon Phelps: Well, it’s cool, because, uh, you know, I have been with many fine ladies, and, uh, many of them were very skanky, and, consequently, The Ladies Man has had a few diseases. But I have rebounded every time. That’s why they call me The Ladies Man. So, Caller, never look back, and practice safe intercourse, okay? Alright, next caller?
Caller #2: Uh, hello, Ladies Man? Yeah, uh, I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few years now, and we like to have sex and all, but..
Leon Phelps: Hey, that sounds good to me!
Caller #2: It gets kind of boring, so is there any way we can, uh, spice up our love life?
Leon Phelps: Well, yes. There are a number of possibilities that you can pursue. Uh.. may I suggest you consider the butt?
Caller #2: [ quickly hangs up the phone, eager to takesuggestion ]
Leon Phelps: Hello? Alright, then, I’m going to take a sip off this Courvoisier, ’cause it’s getting chilly in here. [ sips Courvoisier ] Alright, then, next caller, go ahead. This is The Ladies Man.
Caller #3: Hello, Ladies Man.
Leon Phelps: Hey, it’s a lady! How you feeling tonight, lady?
Caller #3: Well, not so good. I’m having some problems with my self-esteem.
Leon Phelps: Your self-esteem. Yeah. Now, what is that?
Caller #3: Well.. I don’t feel good about myself.
Leon Phelps: Oh no, now, that’s not good. Uh, why do you feel that way?
Caller #3: Well, I have a bit of a weight problem, and it’s hard, you know, to meet guys.
Leon Phelps: Yeah, yeah, well, The Ladies Man is here to help you. Um.. so tell me, uh, how fat are you?
Caller #3: I’m like, 210.
Leon Phelps: Now, that is big. Um, I was not expecting you to say anything over 200 pounds. Uh, I was basically expecting, like, 130, 135.. yeah, you are a big woman. Um, my advice to you is to, uh, avoid any type of food product that your neighborhood supermarket might try to sell you. [tips glass] But here’s to you, Fat Lady. The Ladies Man loves you, but not in any type of sexual, or love-type way. [laughing] I see my stage manager Martell finds the plight of that last call amusing.
Martell: Hey, yo, Leon, whatchoo doing after the show tonight, man? You going to the club?
Leon Phelps: No, no, no, no. I’ve got some plans, man.
Martell: So, whatchoo gonna be doing then, bro?
Leon Phelps: Well, um, I don’t want to get into the particulars, um.. but I know that a bottle of Courvoisier and a lady will definitely be involved, you know what I mean?
Martell: Right on, then!
Leon Phelps: Yeah. Okay, next caller, go ahead. You got The Ladies Man.
Caller #4: Yeah, hi, Ladies Man. Sometimes when I’m in the shower at the gym, with a bunch of guys, I get aroused. Is that normal?
Leon Phelps: Yes, basically, that is a normal response. It’s natural to have those kind of feelings, but, uh, what I want to know is, uh, how a fine lady like yourself could have such a deep voice?
Caller #4: I’m a man.
Leon Phelps: Well, the first thing I would tell you is to keep that secret to yourself, you know? Um, that is something that you are going to have to live with for the rest of your life, and you can never tell. Thank you, Caller. Uh, listen, at this point, I feel that I should say to my viewers that, uh, The Ladies Man does not want any more calls like that. Okay? Because those calls, they disturb The Ladies Man, okay? Thanks very much. Well, I can tell by the empty bottle of Courvoisier that it is time to say goodnight. So, uh, look out, ladies, ’cause here comes Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man!