SNL Transcripts: Matthew Perry: 10/04/97: Sarcasm 101


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Sarcasm 101

Teacher…Matthew Perry
Brian…Will Ferrell
Jane…Cheri Oteri
Tom…Tim Meadows
Kevin…Norm MacDonald
Marissa…Ana Gasteyer

[open on classroom with students, Mr. Bennett sits on a desk in front and drinks coffee]

Mr. Bennett: Oh, and class, whoever parked in my space, thank you. I enjoyed the walk.

Kevin: You’re welcome.

Mr. Bennett: Yeah, there’s nothing like an hour in the rain.

Jane: Oh, wait-wait-wait! Oh, I get it. You’re saying that because you don’t want him to park in your spot.

Mr. Bennett: Very good, you win the trip to Jamaica.

Kevin: Hey, wait a minute! You didn’t say there was a prize.

Mr. Bennett: Wow, could you be any stupider?

[Marissa enters through door]

Marissa: Excuse me, is this Sarcasm 101?

Mr. Bennett: No, it’s Lamaze class for men named Arthur.

Marissa: Oh, okay, sorry. [turns to exit]

Mr. Bennett: I’m kidding. It is Sarcasm 101. Be more gullible. Take any seat you want. [Marissa begins to sit at a desk near the front] Except that one. I’m kidding. Sit down.

Marissa: [sits] It’s really hard to tell.

Mr. Bennett: Thank you. What’s your name?

Marissa: Marissa.

Mr. Bennett: Well done. Marissa has just learned what? Anyone, anyone, Bueller?

Brian: Good sarcasm is hard to distinguish from normal speech.

Tom: Could you be more of a teacher’s pet?

Mr. Bennett: Tom, I heard that. Good one. Okay, last week’s assignment was how you would describe the food in England. Jane?

Jane: The food is so good there.

Mr. Bennett: Excellent.

Tom: Boiling everything is a really super-smart way to cook everything.

Mr. Bennett: Well done. Kevin?

Kevin: When my dad eats, he sounds like a pig!

Mr. Bennett: No, no, that couldn’t be more wrong.

Kevin: But–

Mr. Bennett: And just so you know, Kevin, I don’t like it when you say things.

Kevin: My dad’s from England!

Mr. Bennett: See, I see your mouth moving and I hear all these sounds, but it’s just, like, coming out like, “Whooo, blah-be-boo, woo, my dad, my dad!” So you see, Marissa, England is famous for having awful food, so–

Marissa: Why do you have to criticize everybody? I mean, I’m sure they have some good food.

Mr. Bennett: Oh, let’s see. What was I going to say in response to that? Oh, right, “I don’t care.”

Marissa: See, now you’re just being rude.

Mr. Bennett: Be more sensitive.

Jane: Way to take a joke, Marissa.

Mr. Bennett: Good one.

Tom: Hey, Marissa. Marissa, whenever you talk I want to have sex with you even less.

Mr. Bennett: That’s not quite sarcasm, Tom, but an excellent try.

Marissa: You people are cruel!

Mr. Bennett: [mockingly] “You people are cruel!” That wasn’t sarcasm. I just enjoyed doing that. Okay, quick pop quiz for everybody, okay? You walk into a bar and you see a fat, ugly, disgusting guy in the corner. You turn to your friends and you say…what?

Brian: Could he be any larger?

Jane: Could he be any uglier?

Kevin: He looks like my dad!

Mr. Bennett: Whoah, Kevin, try again.

Kevin: He looks a great deal like my…dad!

Mr. Bennett: Class?

Class: Be more stupid?

Marissa: You’re not very nice!

Mr. Bennett: No, no, no, try saying it, “Could you be any meaner?”

Marissa: I don’t think you could be.

Mr. Bennett: Marissa, why did you come here?

Marissa: My mother says I have no sense of humor.

Mr. Bennett: Re-he-heally?

Brian: Mr. Bennett, I was wondering if we could waste more time catering to Marissa’s mommy issues instead of actually learning something?

Mr. Bennett: Excellent, Brian.

Marissa: I don’t see what’s so funny!

Tom: Now there’s a shocker.

Jane: I nominate Marissa for class president because of her incisive wit.

Marissa: You people just don’t know when to stop! [cries]

Brian: Why don’t you cry about it?

Mr. Bennett: Hey, hey, hey. [a beat] Great one.

Tom: Hey, Mr. Bennett, I think that’s enough, man. I think she’s really crying.

Jane: Yeah, Mr. Bennett, lay off now.

Kevin: I want to take a bath with Marissa! I mean, that is to say, could I want more to…to…Can I take a bath with Marissa?

[Marissa stops crying, stands, and walks to the front of the room]

Marissa: Brian, excellent. Jane, be weaker. Tom, be more of a baby. And, Kevin, no, you can not.

Mr. Bennett: Everybody, meet Marissa Langford, my teaching assistant.

Tom: She was faking?

Marissa: Catch on slower.

Kevin: Hey! I don’t think she’s really a student.

Marissa: Be a bigger moron.

Kevin: Can I still take a bath with you, or?

Mr. Bennett: All right, that’s time, people. Tonight’s assignment is to be glib to somebody you’re afraid of.

[students rise and exit the classroom]

Tom: Great. Hey, could this class suck more?

Brian: Could the teacher be any worse?

Kevin: Could she take a bath with me?!

Submitted by: DavidK93

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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