SNL Transcripts: Matthew Perry: 10/04/97: Sarcasm 101

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Sarcasm 101

Teacher…Matthew Perry
Brian…Will Ferrell
Jane…Cheri Oteri
Tom…Tim Meadows
Kevin…Norm MacDonald
Marissa…Ana Gasteyer

[open on classroom with students, Mr. Bennett sits on a desk in front and drinks coffee]

Mr. Bennett: Oh, and class, whoever parked in my space, thank you. I enjoyed the walk.

Kevin: You’re welcome.

Mr. Bennett: Yeah, there’s nothing like an hour in the rain.

Jane: Oh, wait-wait-wait! Oh, I get it. You’re saying that because you don’t want him to park in your spot.

Mr. Bennett: Very good, you win the trip to Jamaica.

Kevin: Hey, wait a minute! You didn’t say there was a prize.

Mr. Bennett: Wow, could you be any stupider?

[Marissa enters through door]

Marissa: Excuse me, is this Sarcasm 101?

Mr. Bennett: No, it’s Lamaze class for men named Arthur.

Marissa: Oh, okay, sorry. [turns to exit]

Mr. Bennett: I’m kidding. It is Sarcasm 101. Be more gullible. Take any seat you want. [Marissa begins to sit at a desk near the front] Except that one. I’m kidding. Sit down.

Marissa: [sits] It’s really hard to tell.

Mr. Bennett: Thank you. What’s your name?

Marissa: Marissa.

Mr. Bennett: Well done. Marissa has just learned what? Anyone, anyone, Bueller?

Brian: Good sarcasm is hard to distinguish from normal speech.

Tom: Could you be more of a teacher’s pet?

Mr. Bennett: Tom, I heard that. Good one. Okay, last week’s assignment was how you would describe the food in England. Jane?

Jane: The food is so good there.

Mr. Bennett: Excellent.

Tom: Boiling everything is a really super-smart way to cook everything.

Mr. Bennett: Well done. Kevin?

Kevin: When my dad eats, he sounds like a pig!

Mr. Bennett: No, no, that couldn’t be more wrong.

Kevin: But–

Mr. Bennett: And just so you know, Kevin, I don’t like it when you say things.

Kevin: My dad’s from England!

Mr. Bennett: See, I see your mouth moving and I hear all these sounds, but it’s just, like, coming out like, “Whooo, blah-be-boo, woo, my dad, my dad!” So you see, Marissa, England is famous for having awful food, so–

Marissa: Why do you have to criticize everybody? I mean, I’m sure they have some good food.

Mr. Bennett: Oh, let’s see. What was I going to say in response to that? Oh, right, “I don’t care.”

Marissa: See, now you’re just being rude.

Mr. Bennett: Be more sensitive.

Jane: Way to take a joke, Marissa.

Mr. Bennett: Good one.

Tom: Hey, Marissa. Marissa, whenever you talk I want to have sex with you even less.

Mr. Bennett: That’s not quite sarcasm, Tom, but an excellent try.

Marissa: You people are cruel!

Mr. Bennett: [mockingly] “You people are cruel!” That wasn’t sarcasm. I just enjoyed doing that. Okay, quick pop quiz for everybody, okay? You walk into a bar and you see a fat, ugly, disgusting guy in the corner. You turn to your friends and you say…what?

Brian: Could he be any larger?

Jane: Could he be any uglier?

Kevin: He looks like my dad!

Mr. Bennett: Whoah, Kevin, try again.

Kevin: He looks a great deal like my…dad!

Mr. Bennett: Class?

Class: Be more stupid?

Marissa: You’re not very nice!

Mr. Bennett: No, no, no, try saying it, “Could you be any meaner?”

Marissa: I don’t think you could be.

Mr. Bennett: Marissa, why did you come here?

Marissa: My mother says I have no sense of humor.

Mr. Bennett: Re-he-heally?

Brian: Mr. Bennett, I was wondering if we could waste more time catering to Marissa’s mommy issues instead of actually learning something?

Mr. Bennett: Excellent, Brian.

Marissa: I don’t see what’s so funny!

Tom: Now there’s a shocker.

Jane: I nominate Marissa for class president because of her incisive wit.

Marissa: You people just don’t know when to stop! [cries]

Brian: Why don’t you cry about it?

Mr. Bennett: Hey, hey, hey. [a beat] Great one.

Tom: Hey, Mr. Bennett, I think that’s enough, man. I think she’s really crying.

Jane: Yeah, Mr. Bennett, lay off now.

Kevin: I want to take a bath with Marissa! I mean, that is to say, could I want more to…to…Can I take a bath with Marissa?

[Marissa stops crying, stands, and walks to the front of the room]

Marissa: Brian, excellent. Jane, be weaker. Tom, be more of a baby. And, Kevin, no, you can not.

Mr. Bennett: Everybody, meet Marissa Langford, my teaching assistant.

Tom: She was faking?

Marissa: Catch on slower.

Kevin: Hey! I don’t think she’s really a student.

Marissa: Be a bigger moron.

Kevin: Can I still take a bath with you, or?

Mr. Bennett: All right, that’s time, people. Tonight’s assignment is to be glib to somebody you’re afraid of.

[students rise and exit the classroom]

Tom: Great. Hey, could this class suck more?

Brian: Could the teacher be any worse?

Kevin: Could she take a bath with me?!

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts