Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 2
[open on classroom with students, Mr. Bennett sits on a desk in front and drinks coffee]
Mr. Bennett: Oh, and class, whoever parked in my space, thank you. I enjoyed the walk.
Kevin: You’re welcome.
Mr. Bennett: Yeah, there’s nothing like an hour in the rain.
Jane: Oh, wait-wait-wait! Oh, I get it. You’re saying that because you don’t want him to park in your spot.
Mr. Bennett: Very good, you win the trip to Jamaica.
Kevin: Hey, wait a minute! You didn’t say there was a prize.
Mr. Bennett: Wow, could you be any stupider?
[Marissa enters through door]
Marissa: Excuse me, is this Sarcasm 101?
Mr. Bennett: No, it’s Lamaze class for men named Arthur.
Marissa: Oh, okay, sorry. [turns to exit]
Mr. Bennett: I’m kidding. It is Sarcasm 101. Be more gullible. Take any seat you want. [Marissa begins to sit at a desk near the front] Except that one. I’m kidding. Sit down.
Marissa: [sits] It’s really hard to tell.
Mr. Bennett: Thank you. What’s your name?
Mr. Bennett: Well done. Marissa has just learned what? Anyone, anyone, Bueller?
Brian: Good sarcasm is hard to distinguish from normal speech.
Tom: Could you be more of a teacher’s pet?
Mr. Bennett: Tom, I heard that. Good one. Okay, last week’s assignment was how you would describe the food in England. Jane?
Jane: The food is so good there.
Mr. Bennett: Excellent.
Tom: Boiling everything is a really super-smart way to cook everything.
Mr. Bennett: Well done. Kevin?
Kevin: When my dad eats, he sounds like a pig!
Mr. Bennett: No, no, that couldn’t be more wrong.
Mr. Bennett: And just so you know, Kevin, I don’t like it when you say things.
Kevin: My dad’s from England!
Mr. Bennett: See, I see your mouth moving and I hear all these sounds, but it’s just, like, coming out like, “Whooo, blah-be-boo, woo, my dad, my dad!” So you see, Marissa, England is famous for having awful food, so–
Marissa: Why do you have to criticize everybody? I mean, I’m sure they have some good food.
Mr. Bennett: Oh, let’s see. What was I going to say in response to that? Oh, right, “I don’t care.”
Marissa: See, now you’re just being rude.
Mr. Bennett: Be more sensitive.
Jane: Way to take a joke, Marissa.
Mr. Bennett: Good one.
Tom: Hey, Marissa. Marissa, whenever you talk I want to have sex with you even less.
Mr. Bennett: That’s not quite sarcasm, Tom, but an excellent try.
Marissa: You people are cruel!
Mr. Bennett: [mockingly] “You people are cruel!” That wasn’t sarcasm. I just enjoyed doing that. Okay, quick pop quiz for everybody, okay? You walk into a bar and you see a fat, ugly, disgusting guy in the corner. You turn to your friends and you say…what?
Brian: Could he be any larger?
Jane: Could he be any uglier?
Kevin: He looks like my dad!
Mr. Bennett: Whoah, Kevin, try again.
Kevin: He looks a great deal like my…dad!
Mr. Bennett: Class?
Class: Be more stupid?
Marissa: You’re not very nice!
Mr. Bennett: No, no, no, try saying it, “Could you be any meaner?”
Marissa: I don’t think you could be.
Mr. Bennett: Marissa, why did you come here?
Marissa: My mother says I have no sense of humor.
Mr. Bennett: Re-he-heally?
Brian: Mr. Bennett, I was wondering if we could waste more time catering to Marissa’s mommy issues instead of actually learning something?
Mr. Bennett: Excellent, Brian.
Marissa: I don’t see what’s so funny!
Tom: Now there’s a shocker.
Jane: I nominate Marissa for class president because of her incisive wit.
Marissa: You people just don’t know when to stop! [cries]
Brian: Why don’t you cry about it?
Mr. Bennett: Hey, hey, hey. [a beat] Great one.
Tom: Hey, Mr. Bennett, I think that’s enough, man. I think she’s really crying.
Jane: Yeah, Mr. Bennett, lay off now.
Kevin: I want to take a bath with Marissa! I mean, that is to say, could I want more to…to…Can I take a bath with Marissa?
[Marissa stops crying, stands, and walks to the front of the room]
Marissa: Brian, excellent. Jane, be weaker. Tom, be more of a baby. And, Kevin, no, you can not.
Mr. Bennett: Everybody, meet Marissa Langford, my teaching assistant.
Tom: She was faking?
Marissa: Catch on slower.
Kevin: Hey! I don’t think she’s really a student.
Marissa: Be a bigger moron.
Kevin: Can I still take a bath with you, or?
Mr. Bennett: All right, that’s time, people. Tonight’s assignment is to be glib to somebody you’re afraid of.
[students rise and exit the classroom]
Tom: Great. Hey, could this class suck more?
Brian: Could the teacher be any worse?
Kevin: Could she take a bath with me?!
Submitted by: DavidK93