SNL Transcripts: Matthew Perry: 10/04/97: Space: The Infinite Frontier


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2



97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Space: The Infinite Frontier

Harry Caray…..Will Ferrell
Ronald Culberston…..Matthew Perry

Announcer: From the outermost reaches of the universe to the innermost planets of our solar system – This is Space: The Infinite Frontier. With your host, Chicago Cubs’ broadcaster, Harry Caray.

Harry Caray: Hi everybody! Harry Caray here! And welcome to Space: The Infinite Frontier. We’ve got a great show lined up for ya’. Joining us in the studio today is U.S. astronaut, Ronald Culbertson. Welcome to the show Ronald.

Ronald Culbertson: Well, thank you Harry. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Harry Caray: Now, Ronald, you’ve just returned from the troubled Russian space station Mir. What’s goin’ on up there?

Ronald Culbertson: Well, Harry, the first thing you have to understand is that the Mir space station is eleven years old and was only designed to-

Harry Caray: Now, Ronald, it must be fun dressing up like an astronaut: the helmet, the boots,….the ray gun.

Ronald Culbertson: Ray gun?

Harry Caray: It’s good to indulge your inner child, cause without that you got nothin’.

Ronald Culbertson: Harry, I’m a real astronaut. I don’t just play “dress-up.”

Harry Caray: Don’t be ashamed Ronald. Hell, last Halloween I dressed up like one of those Frankenstein monsters. Bolts in the neck….the whole nine yards.

Ronald Culbertson: Well,…that must have been fun for you.

Harry Caray: The effect was positively eerie. Really scared some folks. In fact, a buddy of mine died of a heart attack when he saw me.

Ronald Culbertson: I’m sorry to hear that.

Harry Caray: Yeah. So, technically, I’m a murderer.

(Uncomfortable pause. Ronald is searching for words.)

Harry Caray: Hey Ronald! Ya’ ever been sucked into a black hole?

Ronald Culbertson: No…

Harry Caray: I have. It’s an area of infinite gravity and density from which not even light can escape. It’s called,’A Weekend at My Mother-in-Law’s.’

Ronald Culbertson: That’s very funny, Harry.

Harry Caray: Hey, don’t raise your voice at me!

Ronald Culbertson: I…I didn’t.

Harry Caray: Well, just don’t do it.

(Another uncomfortable pause.)

Harry Caray: Hey Ronald! Did ya’ hear they cloned a sheep?

Ronald Culbertson: Yes, I did.

Harry Caray: Hey! What if they cloned a dinosaur?…Would ya’ eat it?

Ronald Culbertson: You know, I haven’t really given it much thought.

Harry Caray: I know I would. Char broiled dinosaur covered in gravy. Side of curly fries. I bet they’d call it the Dinosaur Special.

Ronald Culbertson: Yes, I guess they would.

Harry Caray: So how ’bout it Ronald? Would you eat a dinosaur?

Ronald Culbertson: What…What does this have to do with…

Harry Caray: Hey, don’t jerk me around Ronald! It’s a simple question! Would you eat a dinosaur?

Ronald Culbertson: I guess I would.

Harry Caray: I think you’ve made a wise choice. Boy, I wish those scientists would hurry up. I’m gettin’ hungry.

Ronald Culbertson: Well, Harry, I’m sure that kind of cloning is a long way off.

Harry Caray: I hope so, cuz’ when they start cloning humans…Sure it would be good for the species, but emotionally, we’d all be dead!

(Ronald is looking very perplexed.)

Harry Caray: Well, that’s all the time we have. Before we leave, one important program note: Next week we’ll be broadcasting from the center of the Sun.

(Stage hand leans in and whispers in Harry’s ear.)

Harry Caray: Oh, thanks Pete. Apparently, the center of the Sun is eight billion degrees. You probably knew that, Ronald.

Ronald Culbertson: Yes. I did.

Harry Caray: So I guess we’ll stay right here. That’s kind of a relief. See ya’ next time! Cubs win! Cubs win!

Submitted by: Jim Moore

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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