Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 2
Space: The Infinite Frontier
Harry Caray…..Will Ferrell
Ronald Culberston…..Matthew Perry
Announcer: From the outermost reaches of the universe to the innermost planets of our solar system – This is Space: The Infinite Frontier. With your host, Chicago Cubs’ broadcaster, Harry Caray.
Harry Caray: Hi everybody! Harry Caray here! And welcome to Space: The Infinite Frontier. We’ve got a great show lined up for ya’. Joining us in the studio today is U.S. astronaut, Ronald Culbertson. Welcome to the show Ronald.
Ronald Culbertson: Well, thank you Harry. It’s a pleasure to be here.
Harry Caray: Now, Ronald, you’ve just returned from the troubled Russian space station Mir. What’s goin’ on up there?
Ronald Culbertson: Well, Harry, the first thing you have to understand is that the Mir space station is eleven years old and was only designed to-
Harry Caray: Now, Ronald, it must be fun dressing up like an astronaut: the helmet, the boots,….the ray gun.
Ronald Culbertson: Ray gun?
Harry Caray: It’s good to indulge your inner child, cause without that you got nothin’.
Ronald Culbertson: Harry, I’m a real astronaut. I don’t just play “dress-up.”
Harry Caray: Don’t be ashamed Ronald. Hell, last Halloween I dressed up like one of those Frankenstein monsters. Bolts in the neck….the whole nine yards.
Ronald Culbertson: Well,…that must have been fun for you.
Harry Caray: The effect was positively eerie. Really scared some folks. In fact, a buddy of mine died of a heart attack when he saw me.
Ronald Culbertson: I’m sorry to hear that.
Harry Caray: Yeah. So, technically, I’m a murderer.
(Uncomfortable pause. Ronald is searching for words.)
Harry Caray: Hey Ronald! Ya’ ever been sucked into a black hole?
Ronald Culbertson: No…
Harry Caray: I have. It’s an area of infinite gravity and density from which not even light can escape. It’s called,’A Weekend at My Mother-in-Law’s.’
Ronald Culbertson: That’s very funny, Harry.
Harry Caray: Hey, don’t raise your voice at me!
Ronald Culbertson: I…I didn’t.
Harry Caray: Well, just don’t do it.
(Another uncomfortable pause.)
Harry Caray: Hey Ronald! Did ya’ hear they cloned a sheep?
Ronald Culbertson: Yes, I did.
Harry Caray: Hey! What if they cloned a dinosaur?…Would ya’ eat it?
Ronald Culbertson: You know, I haven’t really given it much thought.
Harry Caray: I know I would. Char broiled dinosaur covered in gravy. Side of curly fries. I bet they’d call it the Dinosaur Special.
Ronald Culbertson: Yes, I guess they would.
Harry Caray: So how ’bout it Ronald? Would you eat a dinosaur?
Ronald Culbertson: What…What does this have to do with…
Harry Caray: Hey, don’t jerk me around Ronald! It’s a simple question! Would you eat a dinosaur?
Ronald Culbertson: I guess I would.
Harry Caray: I think you’ve made a wise choice. Boy, I wish those scientists would hurry up. I’m gettin’ hungry.
Ronald Culbertson: Well, Harry, I’m sure that kind of cloning is a long way off.
Harry Caray: I hope so, cuz’ when they start cloning humans…Sure it would be good for the species, but emotionally, we’d all be dead!
(Ronald is looking very perplexed.)
Harry Caray: Well, that’s all the time we have. Before we leave, one important program note: Next week we’ll be broadcasting from the center of the Sun.
(Stage hand leans in and whispers in Harry’s ear.)
Harry Caray: Oh, thanks Pete. Apparently, the center of the Sun is eight billion degrees. You probably knew that, Ronald.
Ronald Culbertson: Yes. I did.
Harry Caray: So I guess we’ll stay right here. That’s kind of a relief. See ya’ next time! Cubs win! Cubs win!
Submitted by: Jim Moore